How to Navigate the Ache for Partnership

Kate Harlow: 00:00:00

And here's the thing, if loneliness is the part

Kate Harlow: 00:00:03

of you that is dating, if loneliness is the part of you

Kate Harlow: 00:00:06

that's choosing a partner that's trying to find love, you are not

Kate Harlow: 00:00:10

going to attract a healthy relationship. Why? Because

Kate Harlow: 00:00:14

that's a saboteur setup for a saboteur relationship. Because

Kate Harlow: 00:00:17

loneliness is simply a feeling that you feel because you're

Kate Harlow: 00:00:21

believing a story, that the state that you're in and what

Kate Harlow: 00:00:25

you're experiencing right now is not right, that it's not

Kate Harlow: 00:00:28

aligned, that it's not good enough, and that you like you

Kate Harlow: 00:00:32

need someone else to make you feel better. That's a little

Kate Harlow: 00:00:36

girl needs someone else to make you feel better. The only time

Kate Harlow: 00:00:40

we feel lonely is when we are not connected to ourselves.

Kate Harlow: 00:00:43

Hello, beautiful. Kate Harlow here tuning in from the other

Kate Harlow: 00:00:47

side of my Kenyan coastal holiday. Last episode, if you

Kate Harlow: 00:00:50

listen to it, I was going on a spontaneous trip that was booked

Kate Harlow: 00:00:54

the night before and flying out to Diani Beach, a coastal town

Kate Harlow: 00:00:58

in Kenya. And if you don't know, I mean, I didn't know a lot

Kate Harlow: 00:01:02

about Kenya before living here, Kenya's coast is absolutely

Kate Harlow: 00:01:06

beautiful. It's like white sand, turquoise water. The ocean is

Kate Harlow: 00:01:09

the Indian Ocean. It is the warmest ocean in the world. It

Kate Harlow: 00:01:13

typically can get really hot there, but actually it was quite

Kate Harlow: 00:01:17

windy, so it didn't get too hot. It was like the perfect amount

Kate Harlow: 00:01:21

of humidity. We had our glow on, and I had the most extraordinary

Kate Harlow: 00:01:25

time with my dear friends, rose and Jonathan. And it was such a

Kate Harlow: 00:01:29

beautiful trip. And I did a post about it yesterday. If you're

Kate Harlow: 00:01:33

not on socials, I'll share the post. I did share some photos

Kate Harlow: 00:01:36

from the trip so you can go check it out at the unscripted

Kate Harlow: 00:01:40

woman on Instagram. But I was just reflecting at when I got

Kate Harlow: 00:01:44

back, my heart was so full, and I was like, Oh my gosh, my

Kate Harlow: 00:01:47

friend's boyfriend basically treated us both like we were his

Kate Harlow: 00:01:51

queens, like he took us on surprise dates. We went for

Kate Harlow: 00:01:54

sunrise swims. It was this beautiful experience. Never once

Kate Harlow: 00:01:58

did I feel like a third wheel. Never once did I feel like the

Kate Harlow: 00:02:02

odd one out, or like, oh my god, I shouldn't be here. They're on

Kate Harlow: 00:02:06

a couple's trip, even though it was a working holiday that we

Kate Harlow: 00:02:10

all planned very spontaneously. And I realize it's because it's

Kate Harlow: 00:02:13

the same idea as how I've told you before that I don't identify

Kate Harlow: 00:02:17

with being single, like I'm just me, whether I'm in relationship

Kate Harlow: 00:02:21

or not. Same concept here. It's like, even when I'm in a

Kate Harlow: 00:02:25

relationship, I'm not like, a couple. You know, back in the

Kate Harlow: 00:02:28

day, used to be a couple and be like, we what are we doing? Who

Kate Harlow: 00:02:32

are we hanging out with? What couples are we going to dinner

Kate Harlow: 00:02:36

with? And I feel like that's so rampant still. It's like people

Kate Harlow: 00:02:40

identify so strongly with their relationship status, and then we

Kate Harlow: 00:02:44

go into the single woman who's like, Oh God, I'm the only

Kate Harlow: 00:02:48

single woman at the party at the event. Like, I don't want to be

Kate Harlow: 00:02:52

the only single person there. Why do we constantly separate

Kate Harlow: 00:02:55

ourselves from each other with these relational labels? It

Kate Harlow: 00:02:59

makes no sense, but it's part of the program, and we all just

Kate Harlow: 00:03:03

kind of are programmed, and then we just live from the program,

Kate Harlow: 00:03:07

without realizing we're in the program, until we wake up from

Kate Harlow: 00:03:10

the program. So I'm here to wake you up from the program. You are

Kate Harlow: 00:03:14

you? Are you? Whether you're in relationship or not, whether

Kate Harlow: 00:03:18

you're married, divorced, widowed, it doesn't matter you

Kate Harlow: 00:03:22

are you? And I'm pretty sure I said this last episode. I

Kate Harlow: 00:03:25

vaguely recall saying this very recently, but I think it's such

Kate Harlow: 00:03:29

an important point to drill home, because I don't experience

Kate Harlow: 00:03:33

separating myself ever from anyone, never. I'm not like, oh,

Kate Harlow: 00:03:36

I mean Kenya, and I'm not a Kenyan person, like, I'm never

Kate Harlow: 00:03:40

separating myself from people. I'm connecting. I'm connecting

Kate Harlow: 00:03:44

with everyone and starting with myself. And because of that, I

Kate Harlow: 00:03:48

experienced experiences like this, where I can go have an

Kate Harlow: 00:03:51

epic weekend with my friends that are a couple, and not feel

Kate Harlow: 00:03:55

like a weirdo that's on a in a throuple. Not that there's

Kate Harlow: 00:03:59

anything wrong with being in a throttle if you're into that,

Kate Harlow: 00:04:02

but like, not feel like the third wheel, right? That's such

Kate Harlow: 00:04:06

a saying. Well, I'm the third wheel. I don't want to be the

Kate Harlow: 00:04:10

third wheel. Like we constantly separate ourselves with labels.

Kate Harlow: 00:04:14

So that's what I'm going to share. First, secondly, I'm just

Kate Harlow: 00:04:17

thinking about our minds and how much our minds try and take us

Kate Harlow: 00:04:21

out of what's aligned for us. So my mind the night before was

Kate Harlow: 00:04:25

like, No, this is irresponsible. You shouldn't make a decision so

Kate Harlow: 00:04:29

last minute, and I'm so glad I did. We had the most amazing

Kate Harlow: 00:04:33

time. I came back feeling so replenished and and rejuvenated.

Kate Harlow: 00:04:36

And I still worked while I was there, but I can work from

Kate Harlow: 00:04:40

anywhere because I set it up that way. And now I'm going back

Kate Harlow: 00:04:44

to olapangi Farm. My mom and dad are coming to Kenya in a few

Kate Harlow: 00:04:48

days. They're actually on a plane right now, flying to

Kate Harlow: 00:04:51

London, and now I'm getting to go back to Ola pengi

Kate Harlow: 00:04:54

replenished. So part of me was like, Oh, I don't want to leave

Kate Harlow: 00:04:58

Nairobi. I'm only here for two weeks. But that was such a heart

Kate Harlow: 00:05:02

Yes, in the moment that I followed that instead of all the

Kate Harlow: 00:05:05

logical reasons why I should have stayed. So I had a similar

Kate Harlow: 00:05:09

experience with this again. Today I had a Swahili lesson,

Kate Harlow: 00:05:13

and I haven't had a lesson since, I think before Christmas,

Kate Harlow: 00:05:16

maybe, or at least since December. And I get on with my

Kate Harlow: 00:05:20

teacher, and I said to her, Listen, I'm so busy. My parents

Kate Harlow: 00:05:24

are coming. Then I'm doing a workshop on Valentine's Day at

Kate Harlow: 00:05:27

olupengi, and then I'm doing a retreat at olopengi. I just

Kate Harlow: 00:05:31

can't do Swahili right now, like, I think I need to move our

Kate Harlow: 00:05:35

lessons to march and get back into it then. And she's like, No

Kate Harlow: 00:05:38

problem. Do you want to cancel today? And I said, No, let's do

Kate Harlow: 00:05:42

today, and then we won't do anything till March. And I what

Kate Harlow: 00:05:46

was actually coming up was fear. I was having struggles with my

Kate Harlow: 00:05:50

Swahili, feeling like it was getting hard, and my saboteur

Kate Harlow: 00:05:53

got so sneaky and tried to take me out, but instead today we did

Kate Harlow: 00:05:57

the lesson, and I asked her to review stuff, and we and I was

Kate Harlow: 00:06:01

like, conjugating verbs, and like doing all these putting

Kate Harlow: 00:06:05

sentences together, and it was so much fun. It was the opposite

Kate Harlow: 00:06:09

of what my mind said it was going to be and as soon as we

Kate Harlow: 00:06:12

finished, I was like, You know what? Don't listen to me anymore

Kate Harlow: 00:06:16

every time I try and talk myself out of it, talk me back into it,

Kate Harlow: 00:06:20

or just let me go through my wave. And I ended up doing

Kate Harlow: 00:06:24

booking a class for next week. Even though my parents are here,

Kate Harlow: 00:06:28

I can still get on an hour long Swahili class on Zoom. So

Kate Harlow: 00:06:31

anyways, just two examples of two things that my saboteur

Kate Harlow: 00:06:35

tried to take me out of because she's sneaky, right? She like,

Kate Harlow: 00:06:38

I've been on this path for 20 years, and I'm pretty good at

Kate Harlow: 00:06:42

listening to my heart and my compass. But it doesn't mean

Kate Harlow: 00:06:46

that the saboteur thoughts aren't still there. And it's

Kate Harlow: 00:06:49

like, how do you listen to them? How do you negotiate with them.

Kate Harlow: 00:06:53

How like do you let that part of you take you out? Because every

Kate Harlow: 00:06:57

time you do something new, it's going to feel uncomfortable,

Kate Harlow: 00:07:01

right? Swahili is new. So the part of me that got shamed and

Kate Harlow: 00:07:05

shut down in school, that got that got told I was stupid, or

Kate Harlow: 00:07:08

inferred I was stupid, or put into a stupid group, like you

Kate Harlow: 00:07:12

know how they do at school. So they make some people, some kids

Kate Harlow: 00:07:16

feel really smart, and some kids feel really stupid. I left the

Kate Harlow: 00:07:20

school system feeling like an idiot, and so every time I feel

Kate Harlow: 00:07:24

like I don't know something, my system gets a bit flooded, and

Kate Harlow: 00:07:27

my saboteur wants to run for the hills. That's what just

Kate Harlow: 00:07:31

happened. But when I leaned into the discomfort, instead of

Kate Harlow: 00:07:35

letting the running for the hills happen, I ended up having

Kate Harlow: 00:07:38

an amazing lesson and realized how smart I actually am. So

Kate Harlow: 00:07:42

these protective mechanisms were just there because at the time,

Kate Harlow: 00:07:46

we were treated poorly, we were controlled, we were treated

Kate Harlow: 00:07:49

unfairly, and we were shamed, and that lives in the body

Kate Harlow: 00:07:53

still. So yeah, get uncomfortable. Anyways, let's

Kate Harlow: 00:07:56

get into the episode so how to navigate the ache for

Kate Harlow: 00:07:59

partnership when you are single, and everything I said about

Kate Harlow: 00:08:03

labels is so relevant to this episode. So first thing I want

Kate Harlow: 00:08:07

to acknowledge is how real the ache is. I get it. My loves. I

Kate Harlow: 00:08:11

get it. I know. And I know there are some of you who listen to

Kate Harlow: 00:08:14

the new truth, who've been single forever, and maybe you're

Kate Harlow: 00:08:18

like, Oh my God, is he ever coming? Will I ever have love?

Kate Harlow: 00:08:22

Maybe I'll be alone forever. And I know how frustrating that can

Kate Harlow: 00:08:26

be. In fact, I walked alongside one of my best friends was

Kate Harlow: 00:08:29

single for like, 13 years, pretty much since we met, she

Kate Harlow: 00:08:33

had a couple, like, really short, kind of toxic

Kate Harlow: 00:08:36

relationships in our long friendship, but she was in deep

Kate Harlow: 00:08:39

ache about being single, not not really about being single.

Kate Harlow: 00:08:43

Actually, let me reframe that she really loved her life and

Kate Harlow: 00:08:47

had had created so much for herself, but there was this,

Kate Harlow: 00:08:50

like deep desire for partnership. Because I think on

Kate Harlow: 00:08:53

a soul level, she knew that there was a big partnership

Kate Harlow: 00:08:57

coming. And sure enough, I don't know, three years ago, she got

Kate Harlow: 00:09:01

married in 2024

Kate Harlow: 00:09:03

but three years ago, she met the greatest love of her life, I'll

Kate Harlow: 00:09:07

say, because I don't think that there's necessarily just one,

Kate Harlow: 00:09:11

but the greatest love that she's had thus far in this man. I have

Kate Harlow: 00:09:14

no doubt that they'll keep growing and evolving together.

Kate Harlow: 00:09:17

That's absolutely possible, but they are so aligned and so

Kate Harlow: 00:09:22

matched in partnership. When I met him, I was like, Oh, there

Kate Harlow: 00:09:26

you are. And I always knew that she would have it one day. And I

Kate Harlow: 00:09:30

remember at the time whenever she would be suffering around

Kate Harlow: 00:09:33

it, just saying, like, trust me, it's coming at the right time,

Kate Harlow: 00:09:37

at the perfect time, and it can't come a moment sooner,

Kate Harlow: 00:09:41

because she had to become the woman that she is now, and he

Kate Harlow: 00:09:45

had to become the man he is now. And if we look at their life

Kate Harlow: 00:09:48

trajectory, I mean so many things inside of them had to

Kate Harlow: 00:09:51

change for them to even be a match if they had met five years

Kate Harlow: 00:09:55

earlier. First of all, he was married with kids, so it

Kate Harlow: 00:09:57

wouldn't have they wouldn't have met. And. And neither of them

Kate Harlow: 00:10:01

were in a healthy, thriving, beautiful place to have an

Kate Harlow: 00:10:05

aligned partnership with each other, so they probably wouldn't

Kate Harlow: 00:10:09

even have liked each other. We actually joke about this a lot.

Kate Harlow: 00:10:11

They're like I don't think I would have liked you if I met

Kate Harlow: 00:10:13

you when you were like that, because they both were so deeply

Kate Harlow: 00:10:17

on their path of evolution. So it's not to say when you're

Kate Harlow: 00:10:19

growing that you can't attract love. You're going to attract it

Kate Harlow: 00:10:24

when you're meant to attract it. You're going to attract it at

Kate Harlow: 00:10:26

the perfect time on your timeline. And your timeline is

Kate Harlow: 00:10:30

not the scripted timeline I'm talking about, like the soul

Kate Harlow: 00:10:33

timeline that the universe has in store for you. And you're not

Kate Harlow: 00:10:37

going to attract aligned love until a moment sooner. But if

Kate Harlow: 00:10:40

you're in a hurry for love and you're aching for partnership

Kate Harlow: 00:10:43

and you're trying to control love or trying to get it, you

Kate Harlow: 00:10:45

certainly can attract saboteur love. You'll attract more

Kate Harlow: 00:10:49

lessons and more hard, challenging relationships that

Kate Harlow: 00:10:52

that allow you to reveal your patterns more and and you know

Kate Harlow: 00:10:56

where you get to learn more about what's happening

Kate Harlow: 00:10:58

underneath the surface, what part of you is leading. You can

Kate Harlow: 00:11:01

have that for sure, but I didn't even plan to say this. It's

Kate Harlow: 00:11:06

really like it's not up to us when we attract love. And you

Kate Harlow: 00:11:11

know, looking at my besties journey, it actually was really

Kate Harlow: 00:11:15

beautiful to witness. And she said, in retrospect, like, God,

Kate Harlow: 00:11:18

I wish I could have enjoyed that time more. I wish, on some

Kate Harlow: 00:11:22

level, I could have just known, you know, this year your love is

Kate Harlow: 00:11:25

going to show up, because they have such a beautiful love, and

Kate Harlow: 00:11:28

doesn't come without challenges, but they're just super aligned

Kate Harlow: 00:11:31

partnership and but she's like, I wish I didn't waste all those

Kate Harlow: 00:11:35

years on my own. I wish I lived them up and loved being with

Kate Harlow: 00:11:40

myself knowing that I was also going to be with a partner one

Kate Harlow: 00:11:43

day. So this story feels so important for you to hear and

Kate Harlow: 00:11:48

really let it sink in, because the ache is real, the desire for

Kate Harlow: 00:11:52

partnership is real, although part of that comes from our

Kate Harlow: 00:11:55

programming, right? I think that there's part of it that's

Kate Harlow: 00:11:59

biological, where we desire intimacy and closeness with

Kate Harlow: 00:12:03

other people, and so much of the push and the rush and the

Kate Harlow: 00:12:07

attachment and the trying to control the timing and or or

Kate Harlow: 00:12:11

like pushing love away all together out of fear that you're

Kate Harlow: 00:12:14

not lovable or not good enough underneath whatever your story

Kate Harlow: 00:12:19

is, all of that to be said, there is a divine time for

Kate Harlow: 00:12:24

everything, and it's actually not your job, nor is it in your

Kate Harlow: 00:12:28

control, to figure out when love is coming. So I just want to

Kate Harlow: 00:12:32

validate your ache and tell you I love you and I see you and I

Kate Harlow: 00:12:35

feel you. And number one, most important thing is for you to

Kate Harlow: 00:12:41

let yourself feel the ache in the moments it's there, but

Kate Harlow: 00:12:45

relinquish the story about it, the story that even the story

Kate Harlow: 00:12:52

like, if I could go back and help my bestie back in the day,

Kate Harlow: 00:12:56

it's like, and she would agree with all of this, because She's

Kate Harlow: 00:13:00

like, damn, I wish I enjoyed that time. Like, let go of the

Kate Harlow: 00:13:03

story that you're even a single woman. You see how this label

Kate Harlow: 00:13:07

keeps you feeling like you're in a temporary state. You're in a

Kate Harlow: 00:13:11

holding pattern, waiting for the next relationship to come,

Kate Harlow: 00:13:15

waiting for this temporary position to be over. And it

Kate Harlow: 00:13:19

becomes this time of suffering for most women only because of

Kate Harlow: 00:13:23

our conditioning, because the reality is, you can experience

Kate Harlow: 00:13:26

so much love and intimacy in your life without a partner. You

Kate Harlow: 00:13:29

can experience so much love and intimacy in your life without a

Kate Harlow: 00:13:33

partner and not need a relationship. And when you are

Kate Harlow: 00:13:37

experiencing so much love and intimacy in your life and not

Kate Harlow: 00:13:41

needing a relationship, not from a place of being shut down, but

Kate Harlow: 00:13:45

from a place of, like, you're so alive and satiated and turned on

Kate Harlow: 00:13:49

and lit up the you don't need a partnership, that you're just

Kate Harlow: 00:13:53

like, so happy within yourself. That's when you attract aligned

Kate Harlow: 00:13:56

love. All of my clients do when they get to that place like,

Kate Harlow: 00:13:59

Okay, I won't say all when the time is right, right, but I've

Kate Harlow: 00:14:02

attracted I've worked with so many women over the years who

Kate Harlow: 00:14:06

have been in that state of aching and, you know,

Kate Harlow: 00:14:10

frustration and agony and judgment and shame about being

Kate Harlow: 00:14:14

single, like they have some plague, like there's some

Kate Harlow: 00:14:17

disease, it's something wrong with them. And when they meet

Kate Harlow: 00:14:20

me. They're like, I just want to find him. And I'm like, my love.

Kate Harlow: 00:14:25

If you are aching for something outside of yourself and you

Kate Harlow: 00:14:29

haven't activated it inside of yourself, you are being misled,

Kate Harlow: 00:14:35

because the ache never goes away, even when you get love,

Kate Harlow: 00:14:39

then your mind will find something else to ache for. It's

Kate Harlow: 00:14:42

going to ache for the for the move in, for the I Love You, for

Kate Harlow: 00:14:46

the ring, for the house, for the kids, for the picket fence. It's

Kate Harlow: 00:14:49

going to it's going to ache for all of those things and then,

Kate Harlow: 00:14:52

and once you're done there, it's like, oh, I need a new job. Oh,

Kate Harlow: 00:14:55

I need a new need to lose 10 pounds. It's not going to ever

Kate Harlow: 00:14:58

stop knocking on. Door and aching for something, because

Kate Harlow: 00:15:02

it's a fantasy. There is an absolute bullshit fantasy story

Kate Harlow: 00:15:07

that once you have love, you won't feel lonely anymore. Once

Kate Harlow: 00:15:11

you have love, you won't feel not good enough anymore. You

Kate Harlow: 00:15:16

won't feel unworthy anymore or unlovable, all the all that

Kate Harlow: 00:15:20

murky stuff, that little version of you underneath is feeling,

Kate Harlow: 00:15:25

but the truth is, wherever you go, there you are. That is a

Kate Harlow: 00:15:28

book. I don't know the author's name, but I'm sure I've said

Kate Harlow: 00:15:30

that before. Wherever you go, there you are. You are bringing

Kate Harlow: 00:15:33

all of that into your relationship. Your relationship

Kate Harlow: 00:15:37

is not the answer. Partnership is not the answer. So how to

Kate Harlow: 00:15:44

navigate the ache is first, to let yourself be with the

Kate Harlow: 00:15:48

feelings when they arise, without feeding the story. Now

Kate Harlow: 00:15:52

we've talked about this a million times, but to learn to

Kate Harlow: 00:15:56

actually just feel the ache, feel it. Put on some music, do

Kate Harlow: 00:16:01

some interpretive dance. Pretend you're a, oh, that's when, when

Kate Harlow: 00:16:05

they used to do the, what was that dance reality TV show? So

Kate Harlow: 00:16:09

You Think You Can Dance. Whenever they did contemporary

Kate Harlow: 00:16:11

dances, and they were it was like, really emotional, like a

Kate Harlow: 00:16:14

breakup dance, and they'd be like, Oh, I just love those

Kate Harlow: 00:16:17

where they be playing out the emotion through movement. Go do

Kate Harlow: 00:16:20

some to contemporary dance class. I actually forgot about

Kate Harlow: 00:16:23

contemporary till this moment. Go take some contemporary dance

Kate Harlow: 00:16:26

classes and learn how to how to express your emotion through

Kate Harlow: 00:16:29

movement. Do some online. Go to one. Go to some in person. Like,

Kate Harlow: 00:16:34

how powerful would that be to be able to actually just act out

Kate Harlow: 00:16:37

your feelings through movement? Right? That's a great

Kate Harlow: 00:16:41

opportunity. Or sing like I talked about singing Celine Dion

Kate Harlow: 00:16:45

all by myself. Or sing lonely, I am so lonely. Remember that

Kate Harlow: 00:16:51

song, I think all by myself is more powerful because it's so

Kate Harlow: 00:16:54

intense. But there's so many alone songs that you could sing,

Kate Harlow: 00:16:58

I'm a creep. No, I'm a creep that's not alone. I don't know.

Kate Harlow: 00:17:01

There's lots of alone songs so you find them, but it's like,

Kate Harlow: 00:17:04

ham it up. Sing it at the top of your lungs. Let yourself cry

Kate Harlow: 00:17:09

your eyes out. Write about it. Move your body, move the energy,

Kate Harlow: 00:17:12

welcome the feeling, welcome the ache, but don't feed the story.

Kate Harlow: 00:17:17

Okay? And let go of the labels. You got to let go of the label.

Kate Harlow: 00:17:23

Like, let's abolish this label of single altogether. Next time

Kate Harlow: 00:17:27

someone says, How are you still single, or are you single, say,

Kate Harlow: 00:17:31

No, I'm just me, or I'm I'm Kate, are you single? No, I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:17:37

Kate. Like, find little

Kate Harlow: 00:17:39

ways to or if someone says, How are you still single? Ask, how

Kate Harlow: 00:17:43

are they they still married? I did a I did an Instagram that my

Kate Harlow: 00:17:46

first reel, and I haven't done many since, but one of the only

Kate Harlow: 00:17:49

reels I ever did little skits was me playing two different

Kate Harlow: 00:17:53

women. And one said, How are you still single? You're such a

Kate Harlow: 00:17:56

catch. And then the other version of me said, How are you

Kate Harlow: 00:17:59

still married? Because, like, that's a real question, you

Kate Harlow: 00:18:02

know, I guarantee. I mean, there's been countless studies

Kate Harlow: 00:18:05

done about single women being the happiest, single women over

Kate Harlow: 00:18:09

40 being the happiest people on Earth, and men that are married

Kate Harlow: 00:18:13

are the happiest on earth because they don't have to worry

Kate Harlow: 00:18:15

about anything. So there's studies that show that single

Kate Harlow: 00:18:18

women are happier, and yet all married women want single women

Kate Harlow: 00:18:22

to be married or to be in relationship like again, feeding

Kate Harlow: 00:18:25

that story that it's the plague. If you're single and you got to

Kate Harlow: 00:18:28

get rid of it, you got to get rid of this state. So let go of

Kate Harlow: 00:18:32

the label altogether. Because even the label of being a

Kate Harlow: 00:18:35

couple, you're you, you're not even your name, you're you,

Kate Harlow: 00:18:40

you're a soul, you're infinite, and we, we just limit ourselves

Kate Harlow: 00:18:45

so much with all of this bullshit, all of the

Kate Harlow: 00:18:49

programming, all of the codependent love, the the

Kate Harlow: 00:18:52

majority of the love, the relationships, I won't even call

Kate Harlow: 00:18:55

it love, the relationships that exist on planet Earth are

Kate Harlow: 00:18:57

codependent, like most relationships, are codependent,

Kate Harlow: 00:19:01

but something else is available to you when you stop looking to

Kate Harlow: 00:19:06

someone else to be your source, when you stop externally

Kate Harlow: 00:19:09

sourcing your love, your turn on, your joy, your your beauty,

Kate Harlow: 00:19:18

right? If we're always looking to the external world to tell us

Kate Harlow: 00:19:21

if we're enough. That's coming from your wound now you're in a

Kate Harlow: 00:19:24

wound mate relationship, right? The only way you're going to

Kate Harlow: 00:19:28

attract healthy, thriving, Soul level love is when you're

Kate Harlow: 00:19:34

embodying it. So actually, I'll make the first plug right now

Kate Harlow: 00:19:37

for my workshop coming up. I have a new workshop that I just

Kate Harlow: 00:19:41

created for Valentine's Day. It will be on February 8, so it'll

Kate Harlow: 00:19:46

be the weekend before Valentine's Day, to set you up

Kate Harlow: 00:19:48

for success for the week. But it's called embodied love, and I

Kate Harlow: 00:19:52

love that title so much. And I'm going to guide you where we'll

Kate Harlow: 00:19:57

be live on Zoom. It's only $22 it can be. About two and a half

Kate Harlow: 00:20:00

hours on a Sunday morning, and I would love to meet you. Loved

Kate Harlow: 00:20:05

for you to join me and the group of amazing women, even if you're

Kate Harlow: 00:20:09

in a relationship and you're just longing for more love,

Kate Harlow: 00:20:13

aching for more meaningful love and connection, this is the

Kate Harlow: 00:20:16

place to be, but I'm going to guide you through practices and

Kate Harlow: 00:20:19

through a process to help you become embodied in love, because

Kate Harlow: 00:20:24

it's not outside of you. And I know that, like the whole

Kate Harlow: 00:20:29

premise of the new truth is this, and yet we have to hear

Kate Harlow: 00:20:33

this message 10 million times, because guess what? The message

Kate Harlow: 00:20:36

that love is going to one day rescue you or save you or it's

Kate Harlow: 00:20:42

going to come sweep you off your feet. That messaging is

Kate Harlow: 00:20:46

everywhere. It's everywhere. It's in the water you drink.

Kate Harlow: 00:20:50

It's in the air you breathe. Every time you turn on Netflix,

Kate Harlow: 00:20:52

every time you turn on turn on the TV, every time you watch a

Kate Harlow: 00:20:57

movie, every time you listen to the radio, it is everywhere.

Kate Harlow: 00:21:02

Everyone is feeding the fantasy story about love and that it it

Kate Harlow: 00:21:07

somehow gives us something and saves us and rescues us.

Kate Harlow: 00:21:10

Instagram, social media, like, God, all the Instagrams are

Kate Harlow: 00:21:13

people like, look at our relationship, and then inside

Kate Harlow: 00:21:16

the relationship, they're not having sex, they're not having

Kate Harlow: 00:21:19

meaningful conversations. They're not talking about what's

Kate Harlow: 00:21:22

really going on. They're having affairs like whatever. Like so

Kate Harlow: 00:21:25

many relationships are so dysfunctional because

Kate Harlow: 00:21:28

everybody's just trying to keep up the facade that they have the

Kate Harlow: 00:21:31

fantasy love and the fantasy life, but it's not real. Why?

Kate Harlow: 00:21:36

Because it's not out there. And this doesn't mean that you're

Kate Harlow: 00:21:39

not going to attract when your time is right, when it's the

Kate Harlow: 00:21:43

perfect time in your time lifetime line you're not going

Kate Harlow: 00:21:47

to know until you experience it. You are going to have the most

Kate Harlow: 00:21:53

amazing love, but the but the most important thing is you

Kate Harlow: 00:21:57

won't be able to receive it if you don't deepen the love within

Kate Harlow: 00:22:02

yourself before it comes. And also, if you're in a

Kate Harlow: 00:22:05

relationship, of course, you can do it then too. But it's like

Kate Harlow: 00:22:08

when the idea is when love comes, then I will feel a

Kate Harlow: 00:22:11

certain way. No, it's the other way around, feel a certain way.

Kate Harlow: 00:22:15

Create a life that feels a certain way. Activate these

Kate Harlow: 00:22:18

parts of yourself that you long for to be met in another person,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:22

and you will then become a magnet to that caliber of

Kate Harlow: 00:22:26

person. It's called being met in relationship, right? We think we

Kate Harlow: 00:22:30

need like this kind of man and that kind of man and this kind

Kate Harlow: 00:22:33

of man, what you are, woman, whatever you're into, that what

Kate Harlow: 00:22:36

we actually need in relationship is the person who's an energetic

Kate Harlow: 00:22:40

match to who we are, and you can't know from your mind what

Kate Harlow: 00:22:44

that even is, and the person who's going to expand you beyond

Kate Harlow: 00:22:48

anything you've experienced before. Expanded love means love

Kate Harlow: 00:22:52

that grows you, love that expands possibility, that

Kate Harlow: 00:22:57

challenges what you thought you wanted and needed. Like expanded

Kate Harlow: 00:23:00

love is not going to look how you thought it was going to

Kate Harlow: 00:23:03

look, but it's going to feel 10 million times better. But you

Kate Harlow: 00:23:06

got to start with expanding within. So the last point is

Kate Harlow: 00:23:10

become the become the love. Become the one, because you are

Kate Harlow: 00:23:16

the one, and stop looking for him out there. Stop aching for

Kate Harlow: 00:23:20

something out there that's a fantasy. If you're laying in bed

Kate Harlow: 00:23:24

every night like, oh, I don't want to be single anymore.

Kate Harlow: 00:23:26

You're going to a wedding, and you're like, Oh my God, when

Kate Harlow: 00:23:28

it's going to be my turn? If you're in that fantasy story,

Kate Harlow: 00:23:32

and you just keep pumping it up and giving it more material and

Kate Harlow: 00:23:35

more material, you're feeding yourself a lie. Because my love

Kate Harlow: 00:23:39

and I'm going to tell you this over and over and over and over

Kate Harlow: 00:23:42

again, and you're you're going to get it and forget and get it

Kate Harlow: 00:23:44

and forget, so don't worry about it, but

Kate Harlow: 00:23:48

you will not find it out there. You will think you did right?

Kate Harlow: 00:23:52

Your saboteur be like, Oh my God, we've arrived. Here he is,

Kate Harlow: 00:23:54

and you'll have an amazing month until he doesn't text you, or

Kate Harlow: 00:23:58

until something goes wrong, or still some behavior changes. And

Kate Harlow: 00:24:00

then little girl gets activated, and she's like, wait, the ops

Kate Harlow: 00:24:04

gone. Is he coming back? And you're you'll be hooked and

Kate Harlow: 00:24:06

hooked and hooked. And in that roller coaster dynamic,

Kate Harlow: 00:24:09

avoidant, anxious little girl, teenage boy, like, ooh, it's

Kate Harlow: 00:24:13

that is, like, so exhausting. And you are a queen, and I see

Kate Harlow: 00:24:18

so much more for you. So you can keep doing that if you want. You

Kate Harlow: 00:24:22

can keep thinking it's out there. You can keep feeding that

Kate Harlow: 00:24:26

story that you have to have a partner. Where is he? You can

Kate Harlow: 00:24:30

keep feeding Carrie Bradshaw. There you go. That was her

Kate Harlow: 00:24:33

story, right? We all watched that growing up, and it

Kate Harlow: 00:24:36

programmed the neuro pathways in our brain to think that that's

Kate Harlow: 00:24:39

normal and that Mr. Big, who is actually a narcissist, is

Kate Harlow: 00:24:43

somewhere out there going to rescue us from our lives and

Kate Harlow: 00:24:46

give us that romantic can't live without each other, love that

Kate Harlow: 00:24:50

we've all been longing for. Ah, it's not real. But guess what?

Kate Harlow: 00:24:55

The real thing is like, way juicier than that is way better

Kate Harlow: 00:24:59

than that. I. Promise you. And the reality is, you do. You feel

Kate Harlow: 00:25:03

it all the time, not just when you're with your partner or when

Kate Harlow: 00:25:06

you're on a date. You get to feel it all the time when you

Kate Harlow: 00:25:10

become it. So you have to become essentially the partner that

Kate Harlow: 00:25:14

you're longing for and aching for, and become that to

Kate Harlow: 00:25:19

yourself. So here's some practices. What do you want

Kate Harlow: 00:25:24

someone to do for you in a loving connection, if you were

Kate Harlow: 00:25:27

in a new partnership and it was so juicy and so meaningful and

Kate Harlow: 00:25:31

so loving and so supportive and exactly the type of love you

Kate Harlow: 00:25:36

desire, what would be happening inside of it? Would you be going

Kate Harlow: 00:25:39

on date nights? Would you be going on trips? Would you be

Kate Harlow: 00:25:43

would he be writing you love letters? I say He fill in the

Kate Harlow: 00:25:46

blank? Would he be surprising you with gifts? What I mean?

Kate Harlow: 00:25:50

These are all the love languages. But what would you

Kate Harlow: 00:25:53

want to be romanced by this human now? Turn it inward, all

Kate Harlow: 00:26:00

of those things that you desire. Do it to yourself, put on music

Kate Harlow: 00:26:03

every day, every time you come home, serenade yourself with the

Kate Harlow: 00:26:07

most romantic music, like candles. Do some dancing, make

Kate Harlow: 00:26:11

yourself the most beautiful dinner, and imagine you're

Kate Harlow: 00:26:14

making it with with someone else. Write yourself love

Kate Harlow: 00:26:18

letters like give yourself that love. Become the partner that

Kate Harlow: 00:26:22

you long for. And then, when little you arises and you're

Kate Harlow: 00:26:25

deeply emotional, become the divine mama that she needs,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:28

right? Be all of these things to yourself, there is no greater

Kate Harlow: 00:26:33

power you can access than becoming her, becoming the one.

Kate Harlow: 00:26:39

And then, oh my gosh, everything is so much brighter and more

Kate Harlow: 00:26:44

beautiful. You're, you know, there it will open up so many

Kate Harlow: 00:26:50

more possibilities for love, and you will become so much more

Kate Harlow: 00:26:55

attractive to high quality partners, because you're

Kate Harlow: 00:26:59

sovereign, because you take responsibility not just for your

Kate Harlow: 00:27:03

pain, but also for your pleasure, right? If a man shows

Kate Harlow: 00:27:06

up and he doesn't have to make you happy, he's going to be a

Kate Harlow: 00:27:11

lot happier, and it's going to be a lot more easeful and easy

Kate Harlow: 00:27:15

to have a deeply inspiring, beautiful, meaningful

Kate Harlow: 00:27:18

relationship with you, right? He's going to be a lot more open

Kate Harlow: 00:27:21

to intimacy when you're not looking for him to give you

Kate Harlow: 00:27:25

something. It is a game changer. So there is so much more

Kate Harlow: 00:27:32

available for you to experience when you stop looking for that

Kate Harlow: 00:27:36

person to rescue you, when you stop looking for that person to

Kate Harlow: 00:27:41

save you from your pain. It's not going to save you from your

Kate Harlow: 00:27:44

pain. And here's the thing, if loneliness is the part of you

Kate Harlow: 00:27:50

that is dating, if loneliness is the part of you that's choosing

Kate Harlow: 00:27:54

a partner that's trying to find love, you are not going to

Kate Harlow: 00:27:59

attract a healthy relationship. Why? Because that's a saboteur

Kate Harlow: 00:28:03

setup for a saboteur relationship. Because loneliness

Kate Harlow: 00:28:07

is simply a feeling that you feel because you're believing a

Kate Harlow: 00:28:11

story, that the state that you're in and what you're

Kate Harlow: 00:28:13

experiencing right now is not right, that it's not aligned,

Kate Harlow: 00:28:18

that it's not good enough, and that you like you need someone

Kate Harlow: 00:28:23

else to make you feel better. That's a little girl needs

Kate Harlow: 00:28:26

someone else to make you feel better. The only time we feel

Kate Harlow: 00:28:28

lonely is when we are not connected to ourselves. A dear

Kate Harlow: 00:28:34

friend of mine shared she was at this experience in Kenya, at

Kate Harlow: 00:28:38

this amazing resort, and it was like a really, really, really

Kate Harlow: 00:28:42

high end resort with the wealthiest people in the world.

Kate Harlow: 00:28:45

And the thing she said to me is, I cannot believe how

Kate Harlow: 00:28:48

disconnected all of these people are. I can't believe how to

Kate Harlow: 00:28:52

nobody even smiles. And these people have everything, right?

Kate Harlow: 00:28:55

There's another fantasy, once you have more money and more

Kate Harlow: 00:28:58

success and more this, more that, then you'll be happy.

Kate Harlow: 00:29:00

These people are experiencing the most profound traveling

Kate Harlow: 00:29:05

journeys in Africa, where they're getting to go to, like

Kate Harlow: 00:29:07

crazy resorts that are privately owned, just on a conservation

Kate Harlow: 00:29:12

you have to fly in a helicopter to get there, like over the top

Kate Harlow: 00:29:15

wealth. And they're so disconnected. Those people, I

Kate Harlow: 00:29:19

guarantee, are lonely, right? There's a lot of women who are

Kate Harlow: 00:29:22

married to the quote, unquote, love of their life, even loving

Kate Harlow: 00:29:25

healthy relationships, and they're lonely A F, because

Kate Harlow: 00:29:31

they're not home inside of themselves, right? So we've

Kate Harlow: 00:29:34

bought into this lie and this illusion that I'll stop being

Kate Harlow: 00:29:37

lonely when I have a partner, or I'll stop being lonely when I

Kate Harlow: 00:29:40

have better friends, or I'll stop being lonely when I live

Kate Harlow: 00:29:44

with people. Maybe I should get some roommates and stop being

Kate Harlow: 00:29:46

lonely, and then all of a sudden, you want to kill all

Kate Harlow: 00:29:48

your roommates because they're driving you crazy, because

Kate Harlow: 00:29:51

people aren't the answer to your loneliness. Coming home to

Kate Harlow: 00:29:55

yourself is actually the only answer to loneliness, coming

Kate Harlow: 00:29:58

home to yourself. Reconnecting with your own heart and your own

Kate Harlow: 00:30:02

soul and living from that place, because when you live from your

Kate Harlow: 00:30:05

heart and soul, you won't feel lonely anymore, because you'll

Kate Harlow: 00:30:07

be home. What you're actually lonely for is you. What you're

Kate Harlow: 00:30:12

actually aching for, plot twist is you. You're not aching for

Kate Harlow: 00:30:17

someone else. Yes, it feels nice to snuggle and to make love, but

Kate Harlow: 00:30:21

it feels a whole lot nicer when you can actually receive it

Kate Harlow: 00:30:24

because you're home and you can satiate it, and you can actually

Kate Harlow: 00:30:27

appreciate it, but not be holding on to it so tightly that

Kate Harlow: 00:30:30

you need more, more, more, more like you can have these

Kate Harlow: 00:30:33

beautiful life experiences and fully receive them without

Kate Harlow: 00:30:36

holding on to them so tightly because that person cannot

Kate Harlow: 00:30:42

satiate that part of you. The only part of you that feels

Kate Harlow: 00:30:45

lonely is the Wounded Little girl. Why? Because she's not

Kate Harlow: 00:30:50

home. And why is she not home? Because when you were a kid, you

Kate Harlow: 00:30:53

were pulled away from the truth of who you are. You were pulled

Kate Harlow: 00:30:57

away from yourself. That's why you feel lonely, because you've

Kate Harlow: 00:31:00

been living in your fake, conditioned self, your your

Kate Harlow: 00:31:03

saboteur, all of these years, thinking it's you and then

Kate Harlow: 00:31:06

chasing all of these things to feel good. And nothing ever

Kate Harlow: 00:31:09

makes you feel good long term, right under at the end of the

Kate Harlow: 00:31:12

day, you keep going to bed feeling not good enough, like

Kate Harlow: 00:31:15

you're not enough, you're not beautiful enough, you're not

Kate Harlow: 00:31:17

smart enough, you're not worthy enough, you're not lovable

Kate Harlow: 00:31:20

enough, you don't belong. All of that shit goes on because you

Kate Harlow: 00:31:23

were pulled away from the truth of who you are. But when you

Kate Harlow: 00:31:26

become rooted in the truth of who you are, rooted in the true,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:29

sovereign heroine, woman that you are, and you become the

Kate Harlow: 00:31:33

heroine, the leading lady of your own life, loneliness is a

Kate Harlow: 00:31:37

fleeting feeling that you will very rarely feel and it will

Kate Harlow: 00:31:41

only be an indicator that you're not home. It is you that you

Kate Harlow: 00:31:45

ache for. It is your own heart and your own soul that you long

Kate Harlow: 00:31:50

for. It is not someone else. You will absolutely enjoy

Kate Harlow: 00:31:54

relationships and meaningful sisterhood, connections,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:57

friendships, you know, as you deepen into your relationship

Kate Harlow: 00:32:01

with yourself. As you come home to yourself, you will absolutely

Kate Harlow: 00:32:04

get to satiate in all of the connections and intimacy, but

Kate Harlow: 00:32:09

you won't be attached to it. So when I was in my saboteur all

Kate Harlow: 00:32:14

the time, when I lived from the place of sacrifice and people

Kate Harlow: 00:32:18

pleasing and over functioning and trying to pretend I was

Kate Harlow: 00:32:22

perfect, and faking it, and shape shifting, and all of the

Kate Harlow: 00:32:27

all of these things, hiding how I really felt in fantasy that I

Kate Harlow: 00:32:31

was going to be rescued when I lived from that place, I was

Kate Harlow: 00:32:33

lonely all the time. I remember sitting in a room full of my

Kate Harlow: 00:32:36

friends who I loved to the moon, and I felt like I didn't belong,

Kate Harlow: 00:32:40

and I felt like I wasn't enough, and I felt like I was alone

Kate Harlow: 00:32:44

inside of this room full of people gonna go home and feel

Kate Harlow: 00:32:47

even lonelier

Kate Harlow: 00:32:49

because I just wasn't home inside of myself. So come home,

Kate Harlow: 00:32:54

join us for a beautiful workshop on Sunday, February the eighth,

Kate Harlow: 00:32:59

embodied love, so you can bring the feeling of embodied love

Kate Harlow: 00:33:04

into your Valentine's week and rewrite that story completely,

Kate Harlow: 00:33:09

that old, scripted, old, outdated Valentine's story, that

Kate Harlow: 00:33:13

if you're a single woman on Valentine's Day, you're you

Kate Harlow: 00:33:16

know, you're a loser, you better find love quick. And if you're a

Kate Harlow: 00:33:20

woman in relationship, on Valentine's Day, your man better

Kate Harlow: 00:33:23

show up and do all these things for you so that he proves his

Kate Harlow: 00:33:27

love to you. And if not, you're going to feel worth worthless

Kate Harlow: 00:33:31

and not good enough, not lovable, and all those things.

Kate Harlow: 00:33:33

That's the old paradigm of Valentine's Day. You know, this

Kate Harlow: 00:33:36

commercial holiday that I believe in love and love is

Kate Harlow: 00:33:39

actually, I am a teacher of love. Love is my nature. It's

Kate Harlow: 00:33:43

who I am in every sense of the word. I bring love everywhere I

Kate Harlow: 00:33:46

go. I embody love in my life, and I therefore sprinkle love

Kate Harlow: 00:33:51

everywhere I go. Actually, a friend of mine at Ola pangi said

Kate Harlow: 00:33:56

to me, she's like, I feel like probably everyone at Ola pangi

Kate Harlow: 00:34:00

thinks they're in a relationship with you, because I call them

Kate Harlow: 00:34:02

all my love, and I have a close relationship with all of those,

Kate Harlow: 00:34:06

like 45 staff, and I'm really close to all of them, because I

Kate Harlow: 00:34:09

spent so much time there. And I was like, Yeah, that's probably

Kate Harlow: 00:34:11

true, but like, you can be the embodiment of love. That is the

Kate Harlow: 00:34:17

nature of who we are. And so let's rewrite this Valentine's

Kate Harlow: 00:34:22

story, because love is a beautiful thing. You don't have

Kate Harlow: 00:34:24

to be like, Oh, fuck, Valentine's Day. That's

Kate Harlow: 00:34:26

ridiculous. That's a commercial holiday. You know? That's one

Kate Harlow: 00:34:29

side of the pendulum. The other side of the pendulum is like, Oh

Kate Harlow: 00:34:31

my God, I hope my partner proposes, or hope he does

Kate Harlow: 00:34:33

something romantic so I feel worthy and good enough. Or I

Kate Harlow: 00:34:37

hope I attract love by Valentine's Day. Or how am I

Kate Harlow: 00:34:40

single again? Another Valentine's Day on my own, I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:34:43

such a loser like these are the tapes that most women play on

Kate Harlow: 00:34:47

Valentine's Day. And here is an opportunity. This is the month

Kate Harlow: 00:34:52

of love. Actually, every month is the month of love, but let's

Kate Harlow: 00:34:55

hone in on it. This month, February is the month of love.

Kate Harlow: 00:34:58

So why do. You join us for this two and a half hour workshop.

Kate Harlow: 00:35:02

It's only $22 and meet us on Zoom. Meet a whole bunch of

Kate Harlow: 00:35:06

empowered women who are ready to do love differently and and get

Kate Harlow: 00:35:11

some activations to become more embodied in love this week. So

Kate Harlow: 00:35:15

you can bring the energy of love into work. You can bring the

Kate Harlow: 00:35:18

energy of love into your connections, into everything you

Kate Harlow: 00:35:22

do, and especially into your relationship with yourself so

Kate Harlow: 00:35:26

you can pour love into yourself have a romantic Valentine's Day

Kate Harlow: 00:35:29

by being the partner that you desire to have, by being that

Kate Harlow: 00:35:33

partner to yourself, and by romancing yourself and giving

Kate Harlow: 00:35:37

yourself everything that you want to get from someone else so

Kate Harlow: 00:35:41

that your cup is overflowing. You're overflowing with love,

Kate Harlow: 00:35:45

you're overflowing with with pleasure, you're overflowing

Kate Harlow: 00:35:48

with connection and intimacy and the life in the universe can can

Kate Harlow: 00:35:53

now, you know, deliver you whatever experiences you're

Kate Harlow: 00:35:57

meant to have from that place. It is so much more fun to date

Kate Harlow: 00:36:01

and have relationships. And, you know, do everything in life from

Kate Harlow: 00:36:05

the energy of love. So many people just take life so

Kate Harlow: 00:36:08

seriously. It's like, got to be professional now, got to be the

Kate Harlow: 00:36:11

mom now, got to be the this, now got to be the that. And it's

Kate Harlow: 00:36:14

like, what we all need is a lot more love. The Beatles had it

Kate Harlow: 00:36:18

right all along. All we need is love, but like real love, which

Kate Harlow: 00:36:22

is being the embodiment of love, so join us in the workshop. Link

Kate Harlow: 00:36:27

is below this episode. You can go to my website, the unscripted

Kate Harlow: 00:36:30

woman.com, and sign up there, and I can't wait to see you

Kate Harlow: 00:36:34

there. Share this message in this episode with all your

Kate Harlow: 00:36:36

friends you know who are aching and longing for love, and would

Kate Harlow: 00:36:39

love to have them join us for the workshop too. I will see you

Kate Harlow: 00:36:43

there. Send me a message if you have any questions at all, and

Kate Harlow: 00:36:47

we'll see you next week. Happy. Love Day.