The #1 Thing Women Over 40 Need to Know with Dr. Valerie Rein

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Dr. Valerie Rein: So all these restrictions have been in place

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for many, many years and imprinted, literally imprinted

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in our consciousness, imprinted in our psyches, in our

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subconscious, and transmitted as a survival instruction from

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great grandmothers to grandmothers to their daughters,

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to their daughters, etc, because the survival was predicated on

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being accepted and being, frankly, pleasing and desirable

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to men, because men were the only way for women to survive.

Kate Harlow: 00:00:46

Hello, my loves. I am very excited for you to hear

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this week's episode with a dear friend of mine, soul sister and

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author of patriarchy stress disorder, Dr Valerie Rein is in

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the house to help all you women over 40 who have a very

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important message that you're about to hear. Dr Valerie was on

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the podcast a few years ago, so this is the second time she's

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been on the new truth. And she's the author of the book

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patriarchy stress disorder. Now this is a game changing book.

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She also coined the term patriarchy stress disorder after

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a couple of decades of working in New York City as a therapist,

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she worked with so many women, and she kept seeing the same

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burnout, the same issues, and she realized that women were

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traumatized from living and working and being raised inside

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of a patriarchal system that teach it, that treats them like

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they're men. And so as she wrote this book, it's absolutely

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phenomenal. I've given it to lots of clients. I've read it

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many times myself. I highly encourage you to get this book.

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And since she and her husband Jeffrey, have developed a system

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called the thriving method to help women break free and heal

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from patriarchy stress disorder, which so many women have. So she

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talks all about it in this episode. Dr Valerie has been on

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NBC, ABC, PBS, Psychology Today, she's done tons of media found

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on many podcasts. She's an absolute legend. She's so

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beautiful, she's so sweet, she's so just real and and and open

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hearted and, but absolutely freaking brilliant. And this is

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the work that she developed. So I'm so excited to share it with

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you today. Share it with all of the women you need to know who

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are over 40, and if you're not over 40, this episode is for

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you, because one day you will be over 40. But there's so much

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that we need to know going into this transition, and I hope you

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enjoy and spread the word. Of course, you Hello, beautiful.

Kate Harlow: 00:02:47

I'm so excited for this episode. I have back a dear, dear friend

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of mine, soul sister from well, I guess we go. We go way back,

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way back. It was a while ago. I was almost going to say, like

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five years ago, but no, this is like, way back. I'm so happy to

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have you here again and to share your magic and your wisdom and

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your incredible gifts with my community, this community and

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yeah, just to unpack this very important conversation for women

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over 40? If you're not a woman over 40, this is still relevant

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for you, because you, one day will be a woman over 40, so

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definitely stay stay tuned. But I'm so happy to be with you

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again. Dr Valerie was on the podcast like three years ago,

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maybe a while ago, and we promoted your book, and we'll

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talk all about that today too.

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Dr. Valerie Rein: But welcome back. Thank you. I'm thrilled to

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be here, and yeah, we go back. I want to say at least a decade.

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Yeah, it felt like a heartbeat, and so much magic unfolded when

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we met, and so much magic unfolded since, and I'm thrilled

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to be meeting as this at this very important juncture. It

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feels like an hour work in the conversations that are unfolding

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through us and what's happening in the world right now, what's

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unfolding feels like a very catalytic, powerful moment to be

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connecting and having this conversation so grateful for you

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and grateful for everyone who is in this conversation with us.

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Me too. Yeah, I was actually thinking so we went to

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mama Gina's weekend together, the weekend of Donald Trump's

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inauguration when he was president the first time. That's

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when it was and we met before that, but that's when we went to

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that weekend together. Isn't that wild? And here we are

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again.

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Dr. Valerie Rein: Yeah? Chills, and here we are again. Oh my

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gosh.

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Who would have thought it would happen twice?

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Not our podcast, Donald Trump being the president. I. Wow,

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yeah, today our conversation is going to be about the number one

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thing women over 40 need to know. And this is, like, this is

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your jam and your book. I mean, I've given your book to so many

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women. It is such it's like a Bible with every woman. So it's

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called patriarchy, stress disorder. But do you want to

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where do you want to start? Do you want to share? Like, I'm

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sure you'll weave stories all the way through, but do you want

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to just reveal it now, or leave them hanging?

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Or about the number one thing,

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you're in charge. You're in charge. Oh my gosh,

Kate Harlow: 00:05:30

no. Or some lead up, yeah.

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Dr. Valerie Rein: So what happens right when we are in our

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late 30s and that that's that. That was that period of time in

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my life when you and I met, and the things that unfolded from

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there have been so, so powerful. I really felt like my life, and

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you were just reflecting on that when we chatted pre recording,

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that I was feeling stuck. I was feeling stuck in my life, and

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that was my reason for seeking and going places. You and I met

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when you were on stage and you just you had such beautiful,

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beautiful, powerful energy, and I just felt like I needed to

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connect with you, and I'm so happy that I followed that

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guidance and wonderful things unfolded from there. So I think

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this is one of the first thing I want to share when you're

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feeling stuck, when you're feeling confused, when you have

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this even small, little voice that maybe there is more to your

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life, maybe there is more to discover. Trust that you may not

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know it. Oh gosh, I did not know anything at all, like what it's

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going to look like, where the path is taking me. It's just the

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next right thing. And what is the right thing is what feels

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right in the moment we connected. It felt exciting and

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felt enlivening, and felt like I just wanted to have a

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conversation with you, and that conversation led to hanging out

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together that weekend in New York City that sent other

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dominoes forward, and that's what I want to really share with

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women, because I know there is so much conditioning surrounding

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us, always, every step of the way our entire lives, about how

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we should be, how we should be, how we should look, how we

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should act, how we should be in every role. And I feel midlife

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is that magical period in our lives when that we begin to

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question, that that begins to crack, that begins to peel back,

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and it may feel disorienting. It may feel even sometimes, like a

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crisis, as something's gotta give, something's gotta go. And

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I want to share this message of perhaps hope. Don't be afraid of

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that. Don't be afraid of the earth quaking. Don't be afraid

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that things are opening up and feeling disorienting. Follow

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that thread of enlivening excitement, even if it's really,

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really small. Follow that little spark, and don't be afraid to

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discover what it has for you. And we can talk about all, all

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the possibilities there that we can get to in this time

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together. Yeah, you

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know, it's interesting, because when I

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think about so that you're talking about this. 40s is like

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a potent portal. It's a powerful time. And 50s, you know, it's

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midlife really, when we start to no longer give a fuck. That's

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not exactly how you phrased it, but you were a little bit more

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close enough the softer version of that, but the no longer give

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a fuck energy. It's so interesting because, isn't it

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when patriarchy, which is your your specialty, your secret

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sauce, isn't it when patriarchy starts to devalue women and

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women now women are, you know, freezing their faces and not

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allowed to age and gotta look a certain way. I mean, we've

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always had to look a certain way according to patriarchy, but

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like, all these standards in its 40s, all of a sudden there's all

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this pressure, because our value goes down in patriarchy, and our

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value goes down. Then why? Because we actually come into

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our power then, like, isn't that? Is that like that for a

Kate Harlow: 00:09:35

reason?

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Dr. Valerie Rein: Yeah, you expressed it so eloquently.

Kate Harlow: 00:09:42

Yeah, it just had this visual of the stock market right when the

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value like, there's the red line trending down, down, down.

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That's the woman's value after quote, unquote, a certain age,

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in the eyes of the patriarchy and. Hidden there. What's not

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visible on that cultural chart is the opportunity for this, the

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actual value, the authentic value, to skyrocket. But we need

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to pull back the veil. We need to see through the delusion of

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this cultural programming, and it's easy said than done. So

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this is, this is what I've been unfolding. What has been

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unfolding through me, my journey has been this awareness that the

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impact of patriarchy over 5000 years? 10,000 years, different

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people put a different number on it. But how long patriarchy has

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been the way of life in this culture? We now know from the

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research in the science of epigenetics that trauma is

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genetically transmitted, and if we accept that oppression is

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traumatic, that for women to not even own our bodies for the bulk

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of that time, not own our bodies, Not own our destinies,

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not own, the means of production, aka not being able

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to make our own money or to even have our own bank account, which

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was the case even in the United States up until just a few

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decades ago, or Up until late 80s, a woman could not borrow

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money

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for her 60s, late 80s,

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Dr. Valerie Rein: late 80s, yeah, yeah. Without a male

Kate Harlow: 00:11:52

cosigner, a woman could not take out a business loan. So all

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these restrictions have been in place for many, many years, and

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imprinted, literally imprinted in our consciousness, imprinted

Kate Harlow: 00:12:10

in our psyches, in our subconscious, and transmitted as

Kate Harlow: 00:12:16

a survival instruction from great grandmothers to

Kate Harlow: 00:12:22

grandmothers, to their daughters, to their daughters,

Kate Harlow: 00:12:26

etc, because the survival was predicated on being accepted and

Kate Harlow: 00:12:34

being, frankly, pleasing and desirable to men. Because men

Kate Harlow: 00:12:40

were the only way for women to survive.

Kate Harlow: 00:12:43

Oh my gosh. I've never heard anyone phrase it

Kate Harlow: 00:12:46

like that before, unless you said it last time, and I don't

Kate Harlow: 00:12:49

remember that hit me so deep. Can you say that again?

Kate Harlow: 00:12:52

Dr. Valerie Rein: Yeah, men have been the only way for women to

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survive, aka being pleasing to men, being approved by by men,

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being desired by men.

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It was survival before, and now we're doing it,

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and we don't actually have to do it, but it's still ingrained in

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us to do it. And actually like survival because you had no

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rights, no voice, no money, no and no power, no

Kate Harlow: 00:13:21

Dr. Valerie Rein: legal rights, oh, my God, and no right to

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vote, no right to own property, no legal rights to own children.

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And up until 1960s or so, 50s, 60s in both us in the UK, and I

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imagine other countries as well, a husband could send his wife to

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mental asylum just because, just because, like, maybe he was

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having an affair and she was being disagreeable,

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unreasonable, so he could lock her away. It's unconscionable,

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right? When we start peeling back those layers, and why do

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that? Some women may say, Well, why do this? Because things are

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different now. We can make our own money, we can decide our own

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destiny, and we don't even have to if we're not straight, we

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don't have to pass for straight to survive. We have the freedom

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of sexual expression. We have all that right and and it is

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amazing that we do. It's beautiful that we do. It's

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important to recognize, even if we don't believe any of that BS,

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that we need a man to survive, we need anybody to approve of us

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at all, to survive, to be accepted, to thrive, to be okay,

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to be loved, to belong, we may not consciously believe any of

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that what drives our. Our thoughts, our emotions and

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actions, behaviors, is our subconscious. It is our

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subconscious that drives it, and in our subconscious imprinted

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are those survival instructions. They have not been updated and

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upgraded because they they're rooted very, very deeply, and

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our survival programming is not changed just because the

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environment changes. And even that is kind of questionable

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right now, like the changes in the environment right now, what

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we have the political climate right now. Is that really

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conducive to women feeling safe and relaxed and free? We Yeah,

Kate Harlow: 00:15:51

we can consider that too. So it's kind of it's a mixed bag of

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news, good news, bad news, good news is also like, yes, this

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awareness may sound like bad news, but it's not. Your freedom

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begins at this point of awareness, understanding that

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whatever is holding you back that you might have been trying

Kate Harlow: 00:16:12

to, quote, unquote fix, with therapy, with personal

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development, work, reading self help books, doing all that good

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stuff. I'm sure you've benefited from it. It has all been helpful

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for your growth, but maybe you haven't felt like yourself,

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fully yourself. I can you. You can fully be free, unencumbered,

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unbound, in your life, in your relationships, in your work, in

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the world, it is not your fault. It's not because you've been

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failing at that. It's not because you haven't worked hard

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enough. It is because there's something deeper. There's this

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missing piece that most frameworks don't consider,

Kate Harlow: 00:16:54

therapy doesn't consider for the most part. Maybe there are a

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handful of outlier therapists that work with that, but not in

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general, right? So understanding that missing piece is there,

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perhaps can help you get yourself let yourself off the

Kate Harlow: 00:17:16

hook of, oh, I have failed. I cannot do this and consider,

Kate Harlow: 00:17:23

well, I haven't really addressed this yet, great, and it does not

Kate Harlow: 00:17:30

dissolve just because we are aware of it. That's another

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piece.

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And hold on, is the missing piece? Specifically,

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just to be clear, patriarchy, stress disorder, would you say?

Kate Harlow: 00:17:39

Is that or the impact of patriarchy. That's the missing

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piece.

Kate Harlow: 00:17:43

Dr. Valerie Rein: Yeah, I I've come to call it patriarchy

Kate Harlow: 00:17:45

stress disorder. That's the wording that came through, yes,

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when I was becoming aware of that and working on the book.

Kate Harlow: 00:17:53

You can call it whatever you want to call it. Really, it's

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understanding that there are intergenerational patterns,

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intergenerational and collective patterns that affect us, of and

Kate Harlow: 00:18:05

they're seated in the subconscious. They didn't start

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with us. We're not responsible for creating them, but they

Kate Harlow: 00:18:13

affect our thoughts, emotions and behavior, because that the

Kate Harlow: 00:18:17

subconscious drives the bus. The subconscious drives the bus. No

Kate Harlow: 00:18:20

matter what we think up there, the subconscious always wins. So

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knowing what's there and not just saying, Oh, I don't believe

Kate Harlow: 00:18:28

that, but actually looking at, well, what are my thoughts, what

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are my emotions, what are my actions? And if there is a gap

Kate Harlow: 00:18:39

between how you desire your life to be and how it actually is,

Kate Harlow: 00:18:43

consider maybe you haven't been failing. Maybe it's been your

Kate Harlow: 00:18:46

subconscious driving the bus in a different direction, and

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perhaps it's not your fault, but it doesn't mean that it's not

Kate Harlow: 00:18:57

within your reach, and I would even say your responsibility now

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that you know that to heal it, to heal it for yourself, because

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we also know this from epigenetics, that we can heal

Kate Harlow: 00:19:09

this trauma. And there are practices that have been you

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know that they've been tested and practiced, and we've

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collected everything we could get our hands on me and my

Kate Harlow: 00:19:22

husband, we work together on that in we've collected it in

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the system that we call the thriving method. And there are

Kate Harlow: 00:19:30

other methods as well that work with intergenerational

Kate Harlow: 00:19:34

collective trauma. We just happen to specialize in PSD,

Kate Harlow: 00:19:39

because that has been the thing that had not been unpacked

Kate Harlow: 00:19:43

before, and we're just in the very beginning of who sending

Kate Harlow: 00:19:50

that healing and awareness through the world, because it

Kate Harlow: 00:19:53

needs to happen. It has to happen. That's why I say it is

Kate Harlow: 00:19:56

our responsibility, because we have the privilege of having

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access to. To this information, to the science, to these

Kate Harlow: 00:20:04

practices, I feel it is our responsibility to set ourselves

Kate Harlow: 00:20:09

free from the inside out, and by doing that, we create more

Kate Harlow: 00:20:13

freedom in the world. We create more freedom for others,

Kate Harlow: 00:20:17

regardless of gender. Yeah, and that's the beauty of it, healing

Kate Harlow: 00:20:21

the collective trauma we and all participate in

Kate Harlow: 00:20:24

it, exactly. And though, I think the only way,

Kate Harlow: 00:20:27

you know, there's still so much you know, trying to change the

Kate Harlow: 00:20:29

systems externally, but I think the systems will only change

Kate Harlow: 00:20:32

when we change parts, when we stop participating in them

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internally, and do the healing internally. I have a couple of

Kate Harlow: 00:20:40

questions for you. So first, I would love for you to define

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patriarchy for it, because it's a word that gets thrown around a

Kate Harlow: 00:20:47

lot. I feel like some women might not even fully grasp the

Kate Harlow: 00:20:51

concept, and then following that we talked about when we first

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reconnected today, you you mentioned, like, it's worse than

Kate Harlow: 00:21:01

ever, right now. You know it's like, we think, Oh, we've kind

Kate Harlow: 00:21:04

of let me too movement. We've, like, healed everything. We're

Kate Harlow: 00:21:06

good, like, we've changed. We've changed. Women have rights, yay.

Kate Harlow: 00:21:09

But like, how it's actually sneakily, like, infiltrated

Kate Harlow: 00:21:13

everything now. So let's talk about both those two things.

Kate Harlow: 00:21:16

Dr. Valerie Rein: Awesome. Yeah. Great question, Kate, what is

Kate Harlow: 00:21:19

patriarchy? There are many definitions, and to give like a

Kate Harlow: 00:21:24

life kind of snapshot, like, if you Google patriarchy, I don't

Kate Harlow: 00:21:28

know if it's still the case. I don't know what AI will bring

Kate Harlow: 00:21:32

up, but it used to be, last time I did it, a couple of years ago,

Kate Harlow: 00:21:37

that Google would bring up the first match would be something

Kate Harlow: 00:21:40

along the lines of, it's a boogeyman that feminists

Kate Harlow: 00:21:45

invented to blame all their shortcomings on what? And that,

Kate Harlow: 00:21:51

in a sense, that is a meta right answer to that question, what is

Kate Harlow: 00:21:57

patriarchy? This is patriarchy. That patriarchy is a system of

Kate Harlow: 00:22:01

oppression that historically has owned everything. Has owned

Kate Harlow: 00:22:09

information. We could talk about how you know it's being infused

Kate Harlow: 00:22:17

in AI, etc, etc, has owned morality, what's right and

Kate Harlow: 00:22:23

wrong,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:23

go into that. Go into everything,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:30

Dr. Valerie Rein: not my field directly, but one, one of our

Kate Harlow: 00:22:33

brilliant clients, actually brought our attention to it,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:37

because she's been one of the leaders in it, in information

Kate Harlow: 00:22:43

technology, for years, and she saw that coming years ago, that

Kate Harlow: 00:22:48

patriarchy and racism are being literally coded into AI and,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:57

yeah, what does that mean? I mean, we're just in the very

Kate Harlow: 00:23:02

beginning stages of finding out what that might mean. But I

Kate Harlow: 00:23:07

don't want to spell out doom and gloom, because I I am

Kate Harlow: 00:23:10

optimistic. I do feel that the more we are aware and the more

Kate Harlow: 00:23:15

we even communicate with AI, and the more we put out our thoughts

Kate Harlow: 00:23:20

out there. We can tip that scale. We can tip that balance.

Kate Harlow: 00:23:23

I am optimistic. It's just predicated on us using our

Kate Harlow: 00:23:27

voices, right? And that that comes down to doing our own work

Kate Harlow: 00:23:33

internally and finding that voice. So, yeah, patriarchy is a

Kate Harlow: 00:23:37

system, is a system of oppression, where, historically,

Kate Harlow: 00:23:40

all the power, the power financial power, political

Kate Harlow: 00:23:44

power, religious power, the power of information, legal, all

Kate Harlow: 00:23:51

kinds of power has been in the hands of men, with The exclusion

Kate Harlow: 00:23:57

of other groups

Kate Harlow: 00:24:00

and the exclusion of caretakers, that's women.

Kate Harlow: 00:24:05

Dr. Valerie Rein: And I also want to put a sidebar, an

Kate Harlow: 00:24:11

important sidebar there is that I'm not seeing women as I Oh,

Kate Harlow: 00:24:24

it's a tricky one, because I know women have resistance.

Kate Harlow: 00:24:27

Also, oftentimes I get this question, or I get this

Kate Harlow: 00:24:30

pushback, like women don't want to see themselves as victims.

Kate Harlow: 00:24:34

And on the one hand, I fully agree with that. We're not like

Kate Harlow: 00:24:37

I don't, you know, I I'm not in favor of any victim mentality

Kate Harlow: 00:24:43

and blaming all. Let's sit around and blame men. This is

Kate Harlow: 00:24:47

not about blaming men at all, or blaming other women who support

Kate Harlow: 00:24:55

this patriarchal establishment, unconsciously or consciously by

Kate Harlow: 00:24:59

you. We can talk about why women do that, again, comes down to

Kate Harlow: 00:25:04

survival, but there are so many expressions that we consciously

Kate Harlow: 00:25:07

or unconsciously participate in, or we are pained by when we see

Kate Harlow: 00:25:11

that in other women, this is not about blame. This is about

Kate Harlow: 00:25:15

clarity of recognizing the historical impact and trauma

Kate Harlow: 00:25:19

created and perpetrated across the board, across the gender

Kate Harlow: 00:25:24

spectrum, men have been harmed by patriarchy as well, in

Kate Harlow: 00:25:30

different ways. Patriarchy has put men in boxes where the only

Kate Harlow: 00:25:36

emotions allowed for men are anger, competitiveness, if

Kate Harlow: 00:25:41

that's an emotion. So essentially, all the qualities

Kate Harlow: 00:25:45

that patriarchy consists considers to be more feminine,

Kate Harlow: 00:25:49

qualities like nurturing, compassion, connected community,

Kate Harlow: 00:25:56

right? More softer values. They have been pretty much eradicated

Kate Harlow: 00:26:04

from what a good, good participant of club patriarch, a

Kate Harlow: 00:26:12

male participant of club patriarch is allowed to express

Kate Harlow: 00:26:17

and that severely harms men that limits their wholeness as beings

Kate Harlow: 00:26:23

as it limits our wholeness as beings, as women and everyone

Kate Harlow: 00:26:27

across the gender spectrum. It really. It doesn't really, I

Kate Harlow: 00:26:31

want to say it doesn't really matter. It's a paradox. Yes, it

Kate Harlow: 00:26:37

matters where you fall on the gender spectrum in terms of

Kate Harlow: 00:26:40

privilege, because you have been traumatized differently. And

Kate Harlow: 00:26:44

that's why it doesn't matter, because we all have trauma from

Kate Harlow: 00:26:47

it, even people who are really privileged through patriarchy.

Kate Harlow: 00:26:53

And we could, can include racism and white white supremacy in

Kate Harlow: 00:26:57

that as well, because it's a similar effect, even those who

Kate Harlow: 00:27:03

benefit from it are still traumatized by it, although

Kate Harlow: 00:27:07

these people have more privilege, so it's complicated.

Kate Harlow: 00:27:11

What we can agree on is, perhaps, or this is my thesis,

Kate Harlow: 00:27:17

anyway, that as human beings, the systems of oppression have

Kate Harlow: 00:27:21

traumatized us all, even though some people have more privilege

Kate Harlow: 00:27:26

under them, right, and that privilege is also harmful. Yes,

Kate Harlow: 00:27:32

yes. Differently. It harms people differently. Harms people

Kate Harlow: 00:27:36

with more privilege differently, with than people with less

Kate Harlow: 00:27:39

privilege, no doubt about that. So I don't want to, like, dilute

Kate Harlow: 00:27:43

it, yeah, pretend like we're all, like, equal etc, etc. But

Kate Harlow: 00:27:48

there is the common humanity that is harmed, and it's harmed

Kate Harlow: 00:27:52

differently for people across the spectrum of

Kate Harlow: 00:27:55

I'm seeing like I'm really feeling it, just the

Kate Harlow: 00:27:58

imbalance, like, you know that all everything being masculine,

Kate Harlow: 00:28:01

without the feminine and without women, that hurts men too,

Kate Harlow: 00:28:05

because they need the feminine, and we need the feminine and and

Kate Harlow: 00:28:08

just thinking about how I mean, it's all it, and we often look

Kate Harlow: 00:28:13

at it through the US against you, men, against women,

Kate Harlow: 00:28:16

division, which the fear based systems keep us divided, Keep us

Kate Harlow: 00:28:20

fighting against each other. But actually, when we look at the

Kate Harlow: 00:28:23

animal kingdom, like speaking, we were talking about Africa

Kate Harlow: 00:28:25

before, the animals are so interconnected. All the the

Kate Harlow: 00:28:30

masculine, the feminine, the the and the women are the ones who

Kate Harlow: 00:28:35

are the most powerful, like the female lions are the ones out

Kate Harlow: 00:28:37

hunting and killing like they're that they're actually and that's

Kate Harlow: 00:28:40

true, it's all backwards in nature to how we've learned from

Kate Harlow: 00:28:44

patriarchy, but the interconnectedness is, is

Kate Harlow: 00:28:47

everything to the harmony of life. So you see how, like, I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:28:52

just getting this for the first time, just hearing you talk,

Kate Harlow: 00:28:54

it's like I'm seeing that the destruction of the world happens

Kate Harlow: 00:28:59

because of the the loss of the feminine, yeah, the repression

Kate Harlow: 00:29:03

of the feminine, yeah.

Kate Harlow: 00:29:05

Dr. Valerie Rein: I'm going to blow some minds right now,

Kate Harlow: 00:29:08

because my mind was blown. Maybe I am a, you know, slow learner,

Kate Harlow: 00:29:14

which I tend to be, but here it is anyway. So as this download,

Kate Harlow: 00:29:20

this awareness came to me about patriarchy, stress disorder,

Kate Harlow: 00:29:25

this intergenerational trauma, I started working with that my

Kate Harlow: 00:29:28

husband and I both working with that we're working with our

Kate Harlow: 00:29:31

clients. And then little by little, I started getting into

Kate Harlow: 00:29:36

working with animals and working with plants and working with

Kate Harlow: 00:29:42

nature in these deep healing ways, and this awareness

Kate Harlow: 00:29:47

deepened for me that perhaps the fundamental split began in terms

Kate Harlow: 00:29:56

of systems of oppression began with species. Ism, when humans

Kate Harlow: 00:30:01

decided that humans are not an equal and interconnected part of

Kate Harlow: 00:30:08

everything in nature, but somehow we are superior. We are

Kate Harlow: 00:30:12

the quote, unquote, top of the food chain. And that was the

Kate Harlow: 00:30:17

fundamental split. And if somebody you know has a

Kate Harlow: 00:30:22

different take on it, I would love to hear that. Maybe I'm not

Kate Harlow: 00:30:25

looking far enough. But to me, this is, this is where my

Kate Harlow: 00:30:30

awareness is at right now, speciesism, positioning

Kate Harlow: 00:30:37

ourselves as humans in the center of the universe or above

Kate Harlow: 00:30:41

everything else, or separate from everything else, is

Kate Harlow: 00:30:45

extremely harmful, and all other systems of oppression became

Kate Harlow: 00:30:48

possible because of that mentality. Well, if I as a human

Kate Harlow: 00:30:54

being somehow have the right to abuse or exploit animals, right

Kate Harlow: 00:31:02

for for gain, for profit, for my convenience, and plants and the

Kate Harlow: 00:31:08

earth, then I can decide, and that's, that's how racism came

Kate Harlow: 00:31:13

about, as white people decided to dehumanize people with darker

Kate Harlow: 00:31:20

skin color and say, well, they're they're like animals.

Kate Harlow: 00:31:23

They literally had to dehumanize humans to because there was a

Kate Harlow: 00:31:28

precedent with animals, because we are abusing animals so we can

Kate Harlow: 00:31:32

abuse other humans. And that's what Hitler then did. Also like

Kate Harlow: 00:31:36

further dividing, like the Aryan race versus all other races, the

Kate Harlow: 00:31:41

Aryan race, being pure, all others not being good enough,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:45

dehumanizing them, right, so that those atrocities and abuses

Kate Harlow: 00:31:50

became palatable and possible. So it sounds kind of crazy, but

Kate Harlow: 00:31:58

if we look at that right, that that healing that divide needs

Kate Harlow: 00:32:04

to start or go to like healing our separation from everything

Kate Harlow: 00:32:10

that is and restoring our place in the family of things as an

Kate Harlow: 00:32:14

interconnected being. And I will go further and suggest that even

Kate Harlow: 00:32:20

our epidemic of not belonging, loneliness, that that is so

Kate Harlow: 00:32:28

present right now, and perhaps covid really highlighted that,

Kate Harlow: 00:32:34

and and now The advances in technology right have been,

Kate Harlow: 00:32:39

unfortunately driving, driving that as well, or supporting that

Kate Harlow: 00:32:45

as well, I feel that can also be healed by healing that original

Kate Harlow: 00:32:53

divide and separation and remembering who we truly,

Kate Harlow: 00:32:56

authentically are Beyond all conditioning again, even if we

Kate Harlow: 00:33:01

don't believe it, like you and I may not believe that we are

Kate Harlow: 00:33:06

somehow top of the food chain, and we can, you know, we're

Kate Harlow: 00:33:09

separate from everything else, but that conditioning is so old

Kate Harlow: 00:33:14

and it lives there, and we need to uncover it with compassion

Kate Harlow: 00:33:19

and create opportunities to healing like for me. You know

Kate Harlow: 00:33:23

animals like I work with horses in equine facilitated therapy,

Kate Harlow: 00:33:28

in equine facilitated learning formats. I learned so much about

Kate Harlow: 00:33:31

myself from horses because they hold such a clear mirror. I was

Kate Harlow: 00:33:38

able to go deep into my humanity and then with plants also. So

Kate Harlow: 00:33:44

anyway, healing opportunities are many. Healing opportunities

Kate Harlow: 00:33:49

are many. And what you referenced before is that right

Kate Harlow: 00:33:54

now, patriarchy is like patriarchy and racism and the

Kate Harlow: 00:33:58

abuses of the earth that is all escalating. I can say it's worse

Kate Harlow: 00:34:05

than it's ever been. We still have made progress, but I can

Kate Harlow: 00:34:11

pretty confidently say it's worse than it was when you and I

Kate Harlow: 00:34:15

had our previous interview. The pendulum went all the way to the

Kate Harlow: 00:34:22

other side in terms of women's rights, the rights of people

Kate Harlow: 00:34:27

with darker skin color. What's going on right now in the US is

Kate Harlow: 00:34:33

just beyond, fill in the word beyond, whatever so many words

Kate Harlow: 00:34:43

cross my mind, and certainly beyond what I thought, and many

Kate Harlow: 00:34:50

people thought would be possible in this day and age, and yet

Kate Harlow: 00:34:52

here, here we are, right in terms of our collective

Kate Harlow: 00:34:55

consciousness, that is what is happening. So he. Healing is

Kate Harlow: 00:35:00

parabound right now, and for those, I also understand

Kate Harlow: 00:35:05

privilege in a way that if we have the privilege of access to

Kate Harlow: 00:35:10

this information, if we have the privilege of time and resource

Kate Harlow: 00:35:18

to participate in this healing in whatever way we can right? It

Kate Harlow: 00:35:23

is, you know, I feel it's like walking if we only give to

Kate Harlow: 00:35:30

others. When we're walking with one leg forward, right, we'll be

Kate Harlow: 00:35:33

walking around in circles. If we only give to ourselves, we'll be

Kate Harlow: 00:35:37

walking around in circles. We have to pour into ourselves, we

Kate Harlow: 00:35:41

have to then spread it around and share with us. We can only

Kate Harlow: 00:35:47

share as as much as we've experienced ourselves. We can't

Kate Harlow: 00:35:52

leapfrog that. So I'm a fan of walking in a balanced way so we

Kate Harlow: 00:35:59

can actually move forward in our own life experience and in our

Kate Harlow: 00:36:05

cultural consciousness.

Kate Harlow: 00:36:07

Yes, so, so in terms of women over 40 and

Kate Harlow: 00:36:12

patriarchy, what do you see? How do you see it impacting women

Kate Harlow: 00:36:16

over 40 and this big transition you're talking about that you've

Kate Harlow: 00:36:20

been going through, and how like, where we can focus on

Kate Harlow: 00:36:25

taking our power back or shifting?

Kate Harlow: 00:36:30

Dr. Valerie Rein: Yeah, okay. I'm so glad we're talking about

Kate Harlow: 00:36:33

this. This is a very powerful time. I almost said exciting

Kate Harlow: 00:36:38

time, but I want to be sensitive to all the challenges that come

Kate Harlow: 00:36:42

up for us in our 40s, and it's the time most of us, if not all

Kate Harlow: 00:36:47

of us, are in perimenopause, which happens for years before

Kate Harlow: 00:36:55

we even start seeing changes to our monthly menstrual period, it

Kate Harlow: 00:37:01

can still be regular. We may not even be tuned into from that

Kate Harlow: 00:37:05

perspective to anything changing. So it may sound

Kate Harlow: 00:37:08

strange, but experts now say that if you're over 35 and some

Kate Harlow: 00:37:14

experts say even over 30, those hormonal changes have already

Kate Harlow: 00:37:18

begun, right? But we we're very busy in our 30s. We're very

Kate Harlow: 00:37:23

active. We're building our lives, building our careers. So

Kate Harlow: 00:37:28

maybe we're not as focused on other aspects, some women maybe,

Kate Harlow: 00:37:34

and some women were just so out there in the world, serving,

Kate Harlow: 00:37:41

giving, creating. And then there comes a time when our biology

Kate Harlow: 00:37:47

itself begins to pull us back, sometimes gently and sometimes

Kate Harlow: 00:37:52

not so gently, when these changes begin to show up in our

Kate Harlow: 00:37:56

thyroid function. For some women, they show up as

Kate Harlow: 00:37:59

autoimmunity, chronic fatigue, some physical expressions come

Kate Harlow: 00:38:06

up that may really pull the rug from under us, or personal

Kate Harlow: 00:38:10

losses. For me, it was the loss of my mother in that, yeah,

Kate Harlow: 00:38:17

occurred when I was 43 and that, that was the big domino that

Kate Harlow: 00:38:25

sent, sent me on this journey. What is this journey? And yeah,

Kate Harlow: 00:38:33

I just wanted to name a few other circumstances that can

Kate Harlow: 00:38:37

happen. Can be a career change. You may feel stuck in your

Kate Harlow: 00:38:42

career, and it's time for a change, and maybe your kids are

Kate Harlow: 00:38:46

at the age when they don't need you as much anymore. So your

Kate Harlow: 00:38:51

role is changing as a parent. Maybe your marriage feels stuck,

Kate Harlow: 00:38:56

um, or maybe you've gone through a divorce, or maybe you just

Kate Harlow: 00:39:01

feel lonely in your partnership, and feels like you know, is that

Kate Harlow: 00:39:08

all there is right? Or is there a possibility for a great

Kate Harlow: 00:39:13

unfolding? Or maybe you just have feel like everything is

Kate Harlow: 00:39:16

good in your life, but you feel there could be more. There could

Kate Harlow: 00:39:19

be more, and you feel guilty or ungrateful because, well, look

Kate Harlow: 00:39:23

at you, you have everything anyone would want to trade their

Kate Harlow: 00:39:27

lives with you, but you're still kind of restless. And I feel

Kate Harlow: 00:39:30

these are the gifts of 40s, because life delivers that call

Kate Harlow: 00:39:36

to adventure in different ways. It can be in a way, of this

Kate Harlow: 00:39:39

longing, right excitement for a new adventure. It can be in the

Kate Harlow: 00:39:43

way of feeling dull and and bored, frankly, with some

Kate Harlow: 00:39:48

things, or in a crisis, health crisis, or a loss of a loved

Kate Harlow: 00:39:53

one, or a relationship, or a career changes, integration, so

Kate Harlow: 00:39:59

so many. Things can call us on this adventure. And what is this

Kate Harlow: 00:40:03

adventure really about? I feel 40s is this magical portal. When

Kate Harlow: 00:40:09

we are full grown adults, we've done things in life, we've tried

Kate Harlow: 00:40:18

things in life. We've gone down these shiny paths and learned

Kate Harlow: 00:40:24

what we learned, and maybe, frankly, we're a little bit

Kate Harlow: 00:40:27

disillusioned, like I thought, like making more money will make

Kate Harlow: 00:40:31

me happy. We've followed that path and we learned what we

Kate Harlow: 00:40:34

learned. I thought, you know, being in the relationship will

Kate Harlow: 00:40:39

make me happy. Well, I followed that path. I learned what I

Kate Harlow: 00:40:42

learned. I thought being a parent or not being a parent

Kate Harlow: 00:40:46

will be that part of my identity that will make me feel authentic

Kate Harlow: 00:40:52

and make me happy. We learned what we learned, right? Etc,

Kate Harlow: 00:40:55

etc. We learned a lot of things by the time when you know

Kate Harlow: 00:40:58

happily ever after line, it's like, as if happy is

Kate Harlow: 00:41:01

some destination.

Kate Harlow: 00:41:05

Dr. Valerie Rein: So we kind of, we know, we know a lot, and

Kate Harlow: 00:41:08

that's great. And we'll also have because of also these

Kate Harlow: 00:41:14

biological changes, they're magical. And I don't want women

Kate Harlow: 00:41:17

to be mad at me. It's okay if you do get mad at me. I do say

Kate Harlow: 00:41:22

it with compassion. I've gone through these experiences

Kate Harlow: 00:41:25

myself, because the biology can can get really become a rough

Kate Harlow: 00:41:31

ride, a rough ride. And I've had days and weeks when I couldn't

Kate Harlow: 00:41:37

get out of bed, you know, on this ride, felt very desperate

Kate Harlow: 00:41:42

physically, like my body feeling unrecognizable to me in terms of

Kate Harlow: 00:41:48

everything, the looks and the function and the energy and the

Kate Harlow: 00:41:52

motivation, like everything was changing. And so with all this

Kate Harlow: 00:41:58

compassion, I say our biology is also supporting this journey of

Kate Harlow: 00:42:03

transformation in this wonderful way, because it pulls the rug

Kate Harlow: 00:42:07

from under us, and it makes it so what we used to tolerate

Kate Harlow: 00:42:15

becomes intolerable. What we used to tolerate and tell

Kate Harlow: 00:42:20

ourselves, my life is good enough. This is normal. Nobody

Kate Harlow: 00:42:24

has a perfect marriage, nobody has a perfect career. Most

Kate Harlow: 00:42:29

people don't have it even like as good as I do. It's normal,

Kate Harlow: 00:42:34

and that that kind of has been causing us to settle, to quiet

Kate Harlow: 00:42:39

down, to not make waves, and then life pulls the rug from

Kate Harlow: 00:42:45

under us, and our whole biology goes, No, I can't fucking

Kate Harlow: 00:42:49

tolerate that shit anymore, whatever that is, whatever that

Kate Harlow: 00:42:53

is. And that is a call to adventure. Yes, it needs this

Kate Harlow: 00:42:57

adventure needs to be navigated with a lot, I feel a lot of

Kate Harlow: 00:43:02

support, yes, having these enlightening conversations, as I

Kate Harlow: 00:43:06

hope this one is, in some ways enlightening for some listeners,

Kate Harlow: 00:43:11

and also having tangible support, reaching out for that

Kate Harlow: 00:43:16

support. You know, having your support on the medical and

Kate Harlow: 00:43:23

wellness side, and also having your support through this

Kate Harlow: 00:43:28

journey of transformation. I feel that this is something that

Kate Harlow: 00:43:33

is overlooked in this conversation about midlife right

Kate Harlow: 00:43:36

now. They're not as many voices, or not as many voices elevated

Kate Harlow: 00:43:43

to, like, really high platforms with a lot of reach. I hope it

Kate Harlow: 00:43:47

will be changing. It is changing now that talk about the inner

Kate Harlow: 00:43:52

journey, the inner journey of transformation that our physical

Kate Harlow: 00:43:58

health symptoms, mental health symptoms, relational symptoms,

Kate Harlow: 00:44:01

etc, may be pointing at there is an increase in conversation

Kate Harlow: 00:44:05

about our hormones and what we need to pay attention to, in

Kate Harlow: 00:44:09

terms of our diet changes, physical activity changes, etc.

Kate Harlow: 00:44:14

It is all very important because there was no conversation about

Kate Harlow: 00:44:18

it before. And it's not the whole picture. It's an important

Kate Harlow: 00:44:25

part of it, but it's not the whole picture. And for me and

Kate Harlow: 00:44:31

for so many of our clients who came to us during this period of

Kate Harlow: 00:44:35

time, their symptoms began to shift when we they really

Kate Harlow: 00:44:48

started listening to those symptoms and following them as

Kate Harlow: 00:44:51

guides, not as nuisance to be got rid of not not kill. The

Kate Harlow: 00:45:00

messengers? Yeah, we're not here to kill the messengers. Symptoms

Kate Harlow: 00:45:05

are messengers, yes, sometimes they're wrecking havoc. I'm not

Kate Harlow: 00:45:08

saying just sit here and listen and do nothing, right, but

Kate Harlow: 00:45:13

approach them holistically with all due support and respect, but

Kate Harlow: 00:45:18

not only medically. Okay, because there is a lot more, and

Kate Harlow: 00:45:24

I feel we owe it to ourselves, because I feel our entire

Kate Harlow: 00:45:28

biology is set up so beautifully, our

Kate Harlow: 00:45:33

transformational journey is encoded in our biology from

Kate Harlow: 00:45:37

prepubescent then going into our puberty and development when we

Kate Harlow: 00:45:45

get our period, and then as we go through different stages of

Kate Harlow: 00:45:49

our life, our cyclical nature has so much wisdom. And when

Kate Harlow: 00:45:58

that begins to change in our 30s and our 40s, that has profound

Kate Harlow: 00:46:05

wisdom as well. This is not just to be silenced. This is not just

Kate Harlow: 00:46:10

let's get rid of those symptoms and then go on as if we were

Kate Harlow: 00:46:14

still in our 20s. That's not the goal. Well, at least that's not

Kate Harlow: 00:46:20

the goal for me, it's maybe the goal for somebody. But this is

Kate Harlow: 00:46:24

also the danger of this fork in the road. If we are not aware of

Kate Harlow: 00:46:28

how the psych, the patriarchal programming, is affecting us, in

Kate Harlow: 00:46:33

our subconscious, the fork in the road is okay, take the red

Kate Harlow: 00:46:39

pill, whatever color it actually is, but take the red pill. Just

Kate Harlow: 00:46:44

focus on anti aging,

Kate Harlow: 00:46:48

or not aging,

Kate Harlow: 00:46:50

Dr. Valerie Rein: not aging and and just die trying, essentially

Kate Harlow: 00:46:59

right fight tooth and nail to look younger and everything, and

Kate Harlow: 00:47:09

that's that's the red pill, and patriarchy wants us to be lost

Kate Harlow: 00:47:14

in this land of distraction. And it's a multi, multi, multi,

Kate Harlow: 00:47:19

multi, multi, multi billion dollar industry, all anti aging

Kate Harlow: 00:47:23

crap, and the philosophy that guides it is playing right into

Kate Harlow: 00:47:30

the hands of patriarchal power structure or The blue pill,

Kate Harlow: 00:47:38

which is okay, let's look through this. And actually, this

Kate Harlow: 00:47:44

is the greatest opportunity we've ever had to begin this

Kate Harlow: 00:47:49

journey or continue this journey, take it to the next

Kate Harlow: 00:47:51

level, the journey toward our authentic selves, to find our

Kate Harlow: 00:47:55

truth, that new truth, right of who we actually truly are, and

Kate Harlow: 00:48:01

that's a journey that doesn't take, that doesn't, you know,

Kate Harlow: 00:48:05

it's not an instant hack. It's not just like you listen to this

Kate Harlow: 00:48:08

podcast or read a book and something shifted for you, yes,

Kate Harlow: 00:48:12

a little bit, maybe, hopefully shifted, but you're not going to

Kate Harlow: 00:48:16

be there for me. It continues every day. I discover more

Kate Harlow: 00:48:21

hidden programming. And I go, Oh, my God, I'm the mother of

Kate Harlow: 00:48:25

PSD, patriarchy, stress disorder. I had no idea I had

Kate Harlow: 00:48:29

this. I had no idea it was affecting my thoughts, emotions

Kate Harlow: 00:48:33

and behaviors. And it's always humbling to discover another one

Kate Harlow: 00:48:36

of those. My husband and I will work together. He discovers the

Kate Harlow: 00:48:39

shit within himself too, and we go, oh my god, humbling and

Kate Harlow: 00:48:45

liberating. So that's, that's the blue pill journey. And, you

Kate Harlow: 00:48:51

know, don't, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying just like, oh

Kate Harlow: 00:48:55

yeah. Don't be concerned at all with like, how you look, how you

Kate Harlow: 00:48:59

feel physically, not at all, but do it

Kate Harlow: 00:49:03

from love. Do it for love. From love. I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:49:08

talking, I'm imagining, like, what's gonna I just imagining

Kate Harlow: 00:49:11

all these little girls who are, like, talking to these grandmas

Kate Harlow: 00:49:15

that look like they're 25 but they're like, 75 like, what are

Kate Harlow: 00:49:18

we doing here? What are we doing? Like, we need elders. We

Kate Harlow: 00:49:23

like the just and I think that, I mean this whole conversation,

Kate Harlow: 00:49:29

this is so powerful. I'm so happy that we're doing this. I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:49:32

just like, so so much is happening over here. I'm just

Kate Harlow: 00:49:34

sitting back, like, taking this all in. I think this is why I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:49:38

so called to Africa. Because in Africa, I don't even look in the

Kate Harlow: 00:49:42

mirror. I don't even like there. I didn't have a mirror in my

Kate Harlow: 00:49:47

tent, and I spend all my time in nature, and I feel more the

Kate Harlow: 00:49:52

reality is I feel more people are like, Whoa. You're the most

Kate Harlow: 00:49:54

beautiful you've ever been when you're in Africa. Because I'm in

Kate Harlow: 00:49:57

alignment, because I'm in sync with nature, because. I'm eating

Kate Harlow: 00:50:00

from the land it it. So it's like, that's what we actually

Kate Harlow: 00:50:05

need, and that's where all the lessons are in the medicine, as

Kate Harlow: 00:50:07

I loved when you shared that part about your journeys and and

Kate Harlow: 00:50:13

Peru and your travels and your like, the medicine is in the

Kate Harlow: 00:50:18

interconnectedness that we are not separate from nature. I've

Kate Harlow: 00:50:21

had that thought so many times the last couple of years, just

Kate Harlow: 00:50:24

before consuming Zach Bush videos and like, I just was

Kate Harlow: 00:50:27

like, Wait a second, why do we think we're separate from

Kate Harlow: 00:50:30

nature? We're the same. We have the same the birds flying to be

Kate Harlow: 00:50:33

and their sea is affected by the moon. Like we're so

Kate Harlow: 00:50:36

interconnected, but people are so far away from themselves and

Kate Harlow: 00:50:40

their bodies and our interconnectedness with nature.

Kate Harlow: 00:50:43

So oh my gosh, this is amazing. And I think when you say

Kate Harlow: 00:50:50

reconnecting with into always rediscovering our authentic

Kate Harlow: 00:50:53

selves, your authentic self is like who you are today and and

Kate Harlow: 00:50:59

may you be vibrant and alive and and radiant, because you're

Kate Harlow: 00:51:03

you're loving yourself, and you're caring for yourself, and

Kate Harlow: 00:51:06

you're learning about yourself you care. Like, even just

Kate Harlow: 00:51:09

hearing you about this phase is like, I loved when you kept

Kate Harlow: 00:51:12

calling it. I kept getting goosebumps, a call to adventure.

Kate Harlow: 00:51:15

Like, what a reframe, rather than all the women that are

Kate Harlow: 00:51:18

like, Oh, I'm in perimenopause now, and like, Oh yeah, I'm a

Kate Harlow: 00:51:21

victim of all these things, and I'm just gonna go to the doctor

Kate Harlow: 00:51:24

and take all these pills and I'm, you know, just going

Kate Harlow: 00:51:26

through this phase and life just sucks, versus like, or you could

Kate Harlow: 00:51:30

do the death and rebirth thing, and like, actually go through

Kate Harlow: 00:51:33

the portal and awaken to the next level of your wisdom and

Kate Harlow: 00:51:39

Your power and your sexuality, and her sensuality, and all the

Kate Harlow: 00:51:43

things that come with going into the darkness, which I think so

Kate Harlow: 00:51:47

many people fear. So can you speak on that? How do we do it?

Kate Harlow: 00:51:49

How do we do it?

Kate Harlow: 00:51:51

Dr. Valerie Rein: My gosh, oh my gosh. How to make the descent? I

Kate Harlow: 00:52:01

don't know. I don't know. I feel that like you know when you're

Kate Harlow: 00:52:08

cold, and I can just say it, I feel this journey is not for

Kate Harlow: 00:52:16

everyone. Not everyone is going to take this journey. Not

Kate Harlow: 00:52:21

everyone is going to say yes to the call to adventure, not in

Kate Harlow: 00:52:25

this lifetime. And that's okay. That's just how it is. And I

Kate Harlow: 00:52:31

feel also when you hear the call to adventure, that's privilege

Kate Harlow: 00:52:37

right there. And I'm not saying privilege in a negative sense,

Kate Harlow: 00:52:41

because it has gotten that connotation, right? White

Kate Harlow: 00:52:45

privilege, etc, like we're somehow ashamed of our

Kate Harlow: 00:52:49

privilege. No, it is privilege. Acknowledge it and leverage it

Kate Harlow: 00:52:55

in a way that is beneficial for everyone, for you, for everyone,

Kate Harlow: 00:53:02

right again, we go to that non separateness. If you're only

Kate Harlow: 00:53:07

using privilege to benefit you as a separate being, whatever

Kate Harlow: 00:53:13

that is, nobody is a separate being. But if you're functioning

Kate Harlow: 00:53:16

in that, in that way, then it is incorrect, and there's going to

Kate Harlow: 00:53:22

be undesirable, uh, consequences, right? But use

Kate Harlow: 00:53:29

that privilege with the awareness that you're

Kate Harlow: 00:53:32

interconnected with everyone, and your healing is also there

Kate Harlow: 00:53:37

to heal, to promote the healing of our cultural consciousness,

Kate Harlow: 00:53:41

our interconnectedness, our relationship with nature, with

Kate Harlow: 00:53:45

animals, with plants, with each other, with the soil, every

Kate Harlow: 00:53:49

right. So it's not for everyone. And when you get that call to

Kate Harlow: 00:53:54

adventure, it is privilege. Recognize it, and if you have

Kate Harlow: 00:53:58

capacity to answer yes, oh my god. Oh my God. Now we're

Kate Harlow: 00:54:03

talking that also is privilege, because you have that capacity.

Kate Harlow: 00:54:08

You have the capacity of courage, you have the capacity

Kate Harlow: 00:54:12

of that desire for that adventure. Well, even if you

Kate Harlow: 00:54:18

feel you're being dragged on that adventure, you you don't

Kate Harlow: 00:54:21

want to go. You still, you know, you still have capacity to

Kate Harlow: 00:54:25

participate in it. You have sources of support, or you have

Kate Harlow: 00:54:31

capacity to reach out and build your support crew in that your

Kate Harlow: 00:54:37

fellow journeys. And we do our best to do that because it's not

Kate Harlow: 00:54:44

a journey to undertake on your own. Again, back to that

Kate Harlow: 00:54:48

delusion of a lone wolf or like a lone cowboy, whatever a self

Kate Harlow: 00:54:56

made person perpetrated in this culture. It is such a delusion.

Kate Harlow: 00:55:02

It's actually for women. We need other women. We

Kate Harlow: 00:55:05

need community.

Kate Harlow: 00:55:06

Dr. Valerie Rein: We need community. And I like to say

Kate Harlow: 00:55:09

that collective trauma requires collective healing, and I

Kate Harlow: 00:55:13

recognize that so many of our wounds originated in the

Kate Harlow: 00:55:19

collective because it has been so infected by all all the

Kate Harlow: 00:55:24

poisons in our society, right, all the traumas and some women

Kate Harlow: 00:55:30

are very hesitant to even approach a community of women.

Kate Harlow: 00:55:33

So we've been very deliberate about cultivating a community of

Kate Harlow: 00:55:38

women who are all on this journey together, who are all

Kate Harlow: 00:55:42

working on that, healing for themselves, for others, and that

Kate Harlow: 00:55:47

is a very different experience, that's different from an

Kate Harlow: 00:55:50

experience I've ever had in my life, and and it means it's

Kate Harlow: 00:55:57

possible. So I'm just putting it out there. It is possible. And

Kate Harlow: 00:56:01

if you do go on this journey, yeah, it's not going to be all

Kate Harlow: 00:56:05

rainbows and sunshine. And I think you already know that,

Kate Harlow: 00:56:09

because you're listening to this, you probably have a sense

Kate Harlow: 00:56:13

that there's going to be challenges, there's going to be

Kate Harlow: 00:56:16

meeting wounding, wounded parts. There's going to be going into

Kate Harlow: 00:56:22

dark places and with support, with love, with compassion, with

Kate Harlow: 00:56:27

the tools that go beyond just how we think about things, but

Kate Harlow: 00:56:32

they actually help rewire our nervous system, reprogram our

Kate Harlow: 00:56:37

subconscious, so that we can move that intergenerational

Kate Harlow: 00:56:41

collective trauma out of our systems for good and create that

Kate Harlow: 00:56:46

shift in our collective experience. You can do that.

Kate Harlow: 00:56:50

So tell us about your community, so you and

Kate Harlow: 00:56:52

Jeffrey have a community and how so if I was a woman who's ready

Kate Harlow: 00:56:57

to burn the patriarchy and heal these old traumas and and start

Kate Harlow: 00:57:03

to live my life and actually listen to that call to adventure

Kate Harlow: 00:57:06

and heal through this time instead of stay stuck. What?

Kate Harlow: 00:57:11

What would, what would working with you both look like?

Kate Harlow: 00:57:16

Dr. Valerie Rein: Thank you for asking and sharing that vision.

Kate Harlow: 00:57:20

A good place to start is with checking out my book, because

Kate Harlow: 00:57:27

there, there's so much there that can actually show you, also

Kate Harlow: 00:57:31

with stories and experiences practices that are there in the

Kate Harlow: 00:57:37

book and also on my website that you can download and follow,

Kate Harlow: 00:57:41

that can show you what it might feel like, that, what it might

Kate Harlow: 00:57:45

look like and Dr valerie.com, that's D, R, V, A, L, E, R, I,

Kate Harlow: 00:57:51

a.com, forward slash book. That's where you can find the

Kate Harlow: 00:57:56

book. You can download the first chapter, free to just check it

Kate Harlow: 00:58:01

out, kind of dip your toes in, see if that resonates with you.

Kate Harlow: 00:58:05

I also have it on audio, and you'll get both PDF and audio

Kate Harlow: 00:58:11

versions there. It's also on Amazon as hard copy, if you

Kate Harlow: 00:58:14

prefer that. And on the website, you can download the practices

Kate Harlow: 00:58:19

that are there in the book, and this way you're kind of in our

Kate Harlow: 00:58:23

ecosystem. You can also read our newsletter, see what we have

Kate Harlow: 00:58:28

going on, what community events we have coming up, and

Kate Harlow: 00:58:32

opportunities to work together that start with easy entry level

Kate Harlow: 00:58:39

journeys that you can go on for just a few weeks and see if it's

Kate Harlow: 00:58:43

for you, and then we have more in depth immersion programs for

Kate Harlow: 00:58:49

a few months a year. Some clients have been with us for

Kate Harlow: 00:58:53

multiple years. Kind of evolving right, evolving together. And

Kate Harlow: 00:58:58

this is what motivates me, very, very deeply. It's not only their

Kate Harlow: 00:59:03

spectacular transformations, but it's that they have found their

Kate Harlow: 00:59:12

best friends for life in this community. To me, this is

Kate Harlow: 00:59:18

everything, because also female friendships have been so just

Kate Harlow: 00:59:23

torn apart from us by patriarchy because it has instilled all

Kate Harlow: 00:59:28

this kind of self hate that we carry in our subconscious

Kate Harlow: 00:59:32

comparison, like feeling like we don't belong, or

Kate Harlow: 00:59:38

competitiveness, or whatever it is, even if we don't believe any

Kate Harlow: 00:59:42

of that crap, we may share this experience of not always feeling

Kate Harlow: 00:59:46

at ease in groups of women, because that is just so tends to

Kate Harlow: 00:59:51

be so present outside, even outside of what we believe in.

Kate Harlow: 00:59:57

And so it's nobody's fault you. There is this real opportunity

Kate Harlow: 01:00:01

to uncover what's in our subconscious and heal it so we

Kate Harlow: 01:00:05

can have a community and doesn't have to be an exclusively

Kate Harlow: 01:00:10

feminine community, it can be an inclusive community. As we bring

Kate Harlow: 01:00:18

those values out into the world, we've seen massive changes in

Kate Harlow: 01:00:22

women's relationships with their male partners and female

Kate Harlow: 01:00:26

partners and gender fluid partners, and in their

Kate Harlow: 01:00:30

relationships with their kids and co workers and their

Kate Harlow: 01:00:34

business is going to the next level, even though that was not

Kate Harlow: 01:00:38

even the goal, right? The goal was feeling there was something

Kate Harlow: 01:00:43

more for her, in her authenticity, in her expression.

Kate Harlow: 01:00:47

And it's just once we tap into that things just organically

Kate Harlow: 01:00:52

blossom. It's like plants that are allowed to be in fertile

Kate Harlow: 01:00:58

soil with the amount of sun and water and air that they need to

Kate Harlow: 01:01:02

thrive and the space, all of a sudden, they kind of surprise us

Kate Harlow: 01:01:08

with, yeah, I've seen the same plants that we may have here,

Kate Harlow: 01:01:13

like Jasmine arrived little flowers, and I would Go to the

Kate Harlow: 01:01:18

jungle, and I saw jasmine in that in that area where, like in

Kate Harlow: 01:01:24

the womb of the mother, huge flowers with massive flavor. And

Kate Harlow: 01:01:29

I was like, What is this plant? It smells so familiar. It's

Kate Harlow: 01:01:33

Jasmine. I would have never recognized it like flowers like

Kate Harlow: 01:01:37

like this. And so we can surprise ourselves what's with

Kate Harlow: 01:01:43

what's possible with the right conditions, the right support,

Kate Harlow: 01:01:47

the right nurturing and removing those blockages to our growth

Kate Harlow: 01:01:52

that a lot of that comes from that intergenerational

Kate Harlow: 01:01:55

collective trauma that I've come to call patriarchy, stress

Kate Harlow: 01:01:58

disorder. We can call it whatever we want, but that

Kate Harlow: 01:02:04

invisible, little something or big something, right that maybe

Kate Harlow: 01:02:09

has not shifted through all your valiant work on your patterns,

Kate Harlow: 01:02:16

which I'm sure all your listeners have been engaged in,

Kate Harlow: 01:02:20

as have I for a long time,

Kate Harlow: 01:02:23

yes, yeah. And it's just another layer. And I feel

Kate Harlow: 01:02:25

like when a woman is has entered her 40s and beyond, it's like

Kate Harlow: 01:02:29

we're actually ready to face it. Because you're such a byproduct

Kate Harlow: 01:02:33

of it still when you're in your maiden years, that it's like,

Kate Harlow: 01:02:35

kind of, you know, it's, it's more challenging to face it, but

Kate Harlow: 01:02:39

once you get to the it's so fascinating how that happens

Kate Harlow: 01:02:43

after 40 where it's like, no longer give a fuck, or even if

Kate Harlow: 01:02:46

you still are giving a fuck, there's like, this voice inside

Kate Harlow: 01:02:49

the screaming, like, I don't want to give a fuck, like rebel

Kate Harlow: 01:02:54

comes out and we're ready to burn it all to the ground and

Kate Harlow: 01:02:58

and, you Know, be the phoenix rising.

Kate Harlow: 01:03:01

Dr. Valerie Rein: So it's a gift, it's an opportunity. And

Kate Harlow: 01:03:04

again, I say it with compassion, because I know there are also a

Kate Harlow: 01:03:08

host of challenges, but perhaps, if it resonates like, give this

Kate Harlow: 01:03:15

framework, give this just like 1% of a chance that this may be

Kate Harlow: 01:03:20

true, right? Just open that door just a little bit, that it's not

Kate Harlow: 01:03:24

all doom and gloom and it's just something that perimenopause

Kate Harlow: 01:03:28

until we go through menopause, and we're postmenopausal, we

Kate Harlow: 01:03:32

just need to hold our breath for a decade or 15 years or 20

Kate Harlow: 01:03:36

years, however long it takes, and then it will

Kate Harlow: 01:03:39

get better. And then you die because you hold

Kate Harlow: 01:03:40

your

Kate Harlow: 01:03:43

Dr. Valerie Rein: breath Exactly.

Kate Harlow: 01:03:45

That's the irony. Yeah, it like he'd heed the call

Kate Harlow: 01:03:50

and, and, yeah, oh my gosh. It's, I just think, like coming

Kate Harlow: 01:03:55

back to nature, just, nature just is in its cycles. It's

Kate Harlow: 01:03:59

never, it's never denying the natural cycles and rhythms and

Kate Harlow: 01:04:04

seasons and how we constantly are in at odds with and fighting

Kate Harlow: 01:04:11

and denying these natural transitions and seasons and

Kate Harlow: 01:04:14

changes. But when you actually embrace them, it makes me think

Kate Harlow: 01:04:18

of the quote, a miracle is a shift in perception, like when

Kate Harlow: 01:04:22

you when you actually just are willing to look through a

Kate Harlow: 01:04:25

different lens. And you know, on the this, this self love healing

Kate Harlow: 01:04:31

journey, you have to learn to embrace pain, you know, and to

Kate Harlow: 01:04:34

be willing to feel and welcome all of it, because you can't

Kate Harlow: 01:04:38

grow without it. And you know. And then when you embrace the

Kate Harlow: 01:04:43

pain and the feelings around it and you you just embrace going

Kate Harlow: 01:04:47

through the rebirth cycle like actually birthing all the way,

Kate Harlow: 01:04:53

what's on the other side is magic. And then you're connected

Kate Harlow: 01:04:56

to your own magic, and the next version of you, the. Newest

Kate Harlow: 01:05:01

version of you, because we're always becoming new and new and

Kate Harlow: 01:05:04

new and new. There's so many versions of ourselves we get to

Kate Harlow: 01:05:07

be. Isn't that the beauty of life and patriarchy wants us to

Kate Harlow: 01:05:10

just be one dimensional, carby version that doesn't ever

Kate Harlow: 01:05:14

change.

Kate Harlow: 01:05:15

Dr. Valerie Rein: It is the beauty. It is the beauty and

Kate Harlow: 01:05:17

and, you know, after a certain age, whatever the age, you know,

Kate Harlow: 01:05:22

a Saturday Night Live. I think it was in the SNL context, or

Kate Harlow: 01:05:26

maybe outside of that context. But like Tina Fey and the bunch

Kate Harlow: 01:05:32

of them, right, had had this kid called the last fuckable day

Kate Harlow: 01:05:38

where they were, like, celebrating the last or

Kate Harlow: 01:05:42

grieving, or whatever, the last day, like of whatever age,

Kate Harlow: 01:05:46

right? The patriarchy puts its stamp on again, this is it, and

Kate Harlow: 01:05:50

after that, you're no longer of interest to us, because you're

Kate Harlow: 01:05:54

not producing babies and you're not producing without

Kate Harlow: 01:05:58

questioning, like whatever widgets, right? We want you to

Kate Harlow: 01:06:02

produce it, whatever volume we want you to produce, etc, etc,

Kate Harlow: 01:06:05

etc. So, yeah, I mean, that is it. That is a journey. Do you

Kate Harlow: 01:06:11

call that a Phoenix, right? A Phoenix time. And it is, in a

Kate Harlow: 01:06:16

sense, like allowing those old identities, working with these

Kate Harlow: 01:06:20

old identities to disintegrate, to essentially be burned down to

Kate Harlow: 01:06:26

the ground. It doesn't have to be a violent process. It can be

Kate Harlow: 01:06:31

a supported, conscious process. And I feel the more willing we

Kate Harlow: 01:06:35

are, perhaps, you know, the more productive and hopefully fun it

Kate Harlow: 01:06:42

can be especially with support in a community, when human women

Kate Harlow: 01:06:50

are one of the very few species who stop their reproductive

Kate Harlow: 01:06:56

ability before the end of their lives, only like a couple of

Kate Harlow: 01:07:00

other species in in the entire natural world. Wow, that have

Kate Harlow: 01:07:08

that. So that points at something really important, like

Kate Harlow: 01:07:12

we essentially die. Like that version of us dies, in a way,

Kate Harlow: 01:07:20

and is reborn into another creature. I had, another being

Kate Harlow: 01:07:25

with gifts and magic and capacities and wisdom and fun

Kate Harlow: 01:07:32

and love and yes, sexuality and adventure,

Kate Harlow: 01:07:41

the call to adventure and the I just think,

Kate Harlow: 01:07:44

like, this is what's going to heal the world. This is what

Kate Harlow: 01:07:47

patriarchy needs, like Matri, matriarchy is not women running

Kate Harlow: 01:07:51

the world. It is everyone together, collaboration. We are

Kate Harlow: 01:07:55

all there is no hierarchical systems. We are all in

Kate Harlow: 01:07:59

collaboration, in harmony, like nature interconnected. That's

Kate Harlow: 01:08:04

matriarchy. So women being in their power, like women actually

Kate Harlow: 01:08:10

coming home to our gifts and owning who the fuck we are,

Kate Harlow: 01:08:13

instead of pretending to be something else, is what will

Kate Harlow: 01:08:17

heal the world, and that's what the world needs mount now more

Kate Harlow: 01:08:19

than ever, more than love, sweet love.

Kate Harlow: 01:08:25

Dr. Valerie Rein: Thank you for speaking to that. That's also

Kate Harlow: 01:08:27

like sometimes I hear this kind of objection to the

Kate Harlow: 01:08:30

conversation. Well, do we want to just replace patriarchy with

Kate Harlow: 01:08:33

matriarchy, where women are oppressing men? No, no, and you

Kate Harlow: 01:08:37

spoke to it so well. It is about restoring the natural harmony.

Kate Harlow: 01:08:42

It's not about replacing one system of oppression with

Kate Harlow: 01:08:45

another system of oppression. No, this is not a coup, okay,

Kate Harlow: 01:08:50

yeah, overthrowing one dictator and replacing it with another.

Kate Harlow: 01:08:54

Because women don't oppress. We're the hearts. The

Kate Harlow: 01:08:57

feminine is the heart, like we don't, we wouldn't oppress.

Kate Harlow: 01:09:01

That's not like that's that's the thing. We've been oppressed,

Kate Harlow: 01:09:05

but it would be a very different world if more women were

Kate Harlow: 01:09:08

influential in bigger

Kate Harlow: 01:09:10

Dr. Valerie Rein: ways. I just want to put a caveat on that,

Kate Harlow: 01:09:13

because I can also feel that, you know, we've all had

Kate Harlow: 01:09:17

experiences of being oppressed and abused by women as well,

Kate Harlow: 01:09:21

yes, yes. So I just want to put a caveat on that right that

Kate Harlow: 01:09:28

patriarchy has also been very powerfully upheld and

Kate Harlow: 01:09:34

perpetrated by women, consciously or unconsciously by

Kate Harlow: 01:09:40

living out that programming, not questioning that programming,

Kate Harlow: 01:09:44

just playing the game we were handed. This is how you succeed.

Kate Harlow: 01:09:49

These are the rules, the oppression, the domination, etc,

Kate Harlow: 01:09:53

etc. Again, nobody's fault, but I do believe it is our.

Kate Harlow: 01:10:00

Responsibility, yes, that yeah, and make a dent in that. So yes,

Kate Harlow: 01:10:05

I agree with you that it's core, neither pure masculine nor pure

Kate Harlow: 01:10:10

feminine, like as pure energies, right?

Kate Harlow: 01:10:14

Yeah, they from the heart. Well, it's the feminine

Kate Harlow: 01:10:16

like Living from the heart. And I mean women leading who are in

Kate Harlow: 01:10:20

their hearts, not women leading who are in Man suits, in the in

Kate Harlow: 01:10:23

the patterns and the the protection, but, but it's the

Kate Harlow: 01:10:28

same with men, too. Men being more connected to their

Kate Harlow: 01:10:31

feminine, like the it's the interconnectedness that will

Kate Harlow: 01:10:34

heal the planet.

Kate Harlow: 01:10:35

Dr. Valerie Rein: Yeah, I fully agree with you. When we're

Kate Harlow: 01:10:37

outside of these patterns, when we dismantle these patterns,

Kate Harlow: 01:10:40

neither the feminine nor the masculine is actually interested

Kate Harlow: 01:10:44

in oppressing, dominating, you know, screwing anyone over, but

Kate Harlow: 01:10:52

everybody is interested in this ecstatic union, right? Ecstatic

Kate Harlow: 01:10:56

union, whatever that looks like, right, just living our lives in

Kate Harlow: 01:11:01

full expression, yeah, like nature does when left to its own

Kate Harlow: 01:11:06

devices.

Kate Harlow: 01:11:07

Yes, oh my gosh. That's so beautiful. Living our

Kate Harlow: 01:11:10

lives in our fullest expression like nature does. I love that

Kate Harlow: 01:11:14

this has been so beautiful we, I mean, we could just keep going

Kate Harlow: 01:11:17

and going going, but I'm I just want to say thank you so much.

Kate Harlow: 01:11:22

I'm so happy that I got the spark and the hit to reach out,

Kate Harlow: 01:11:26

and I just feel so happy to reconnect with you. I love you

Kate Harlow: 01:11:29

so much. Oh my gosh. I treasure our time together back in the

Kate Harlow: 01:11:33

day, and have just been so honored to witness your journey

Kate Harlow: 01:11:37

of transformation, of you, claiming like, remembering you

Kate Harlow: 01:11:41

because you were a therapist for 20 years and then, and then

Kate Harlow: 01:11:43

discovered or patriarchy stress disorder came through. It's just

Kate Harlow: 01:11:47

like, wait a second, a Pat, this pattern I'm seeing over and over

Kate Harlow: 01:11:50

again, and you coined your own I mean, that's so powerful. The

Kate Harlow: 01:11:53

book title is your own term, your own psychological term. I

Kate Harlow: 01:11:58

just, I think it's incredible, and you're brilliant, and I I

Kate Harlow: 01:12:02

love also seeing the next level of your journey and where you

Kate Harlow: 01:12:05

are now to where you were when I had you, when we had you on the

Kate Harlow: 01:12:08

podcast a few years back. So I love you, and I'm so grateful

Kate Harlow: 01:12:12

for this conversation.

Kate Harlow: 01:12:13

Dr. Valerie Rein: I love you too, Kate, what a what a joy.

Kate Harlow: 01:12:17

And our connection has been hugely catalytic from the start,

Kate Harlow: 01:12:24

hugely catalytic and life changing for me. So I honor your

Kate Harlow: 01:12:29

magic, your power, your vision and the courage with which

Kate Harlow: 01:12:34

you've been walking the path of your truth and helping others

Kate Harlow: 01:12:39

connect with their truth and live this glorious life of

Kate Harlow: 01:12:43

adventure. So very grateful for this connection, this

Kate Harlow: 01:12:47

conversation and all all those in the community tuning in right

Kate Harlow: 01:12:52

now and allowing themselves to feel a different sense of what's

Kate Harlow: 01:12:58

possible.

Kate Harlow: 01:12:58

Perhaps, yes, I love that. Thank you so much.

Kate Harlow: 01:13:02

Love. And definitely, we'll link everything below. So there's

Kate Harlow: 01:13:05

those free meditations that you said, meditations, right? Yep,

Kate Harlow: 01:13:08

we have meditations available on your on your website, so we'll

Kate Harlow: 01:13:11

link all that below, and in the book, there's exercises. So

Kate Harlow: 01:13:14

obviously, this is a big conversation, a heavy

Kate Harlow: 01:13:17

conversation, so it's it can be confronting to talk about. So

Kate Harlow: 01:13:22

yeah, just lean on all the resources. And you've held a lot

Kate Harlow: 01:13:27

of women and men through this, through this work and and you'll

Kate Harlow: 01:13:32

be an amazing hands. So we'll connect everything below any

Kate Harlow: 01:13:36

final words,

Kate Harlow: 01:13:38

Dr. Valerie Rein: just breathing as those structures imprinted in

Kate Harlow: 01:13:46

us, somewhere in our subconscious become more

Kate Harlow: 01:13:51

transparent, more hologram like as we shine the light of

Kate Harlow: 01:13:56

awareness on them and setting that intention that all benefit.

Kate Harlow: 01:14:03

All beings benefit from this awareness, from this work, from

Kate Harlow: 01:14:06

this healing and yeah, more courage and love and support to

Kate Harlow: 01:14:12

everyone on this journey.

Kate Harlow: 01:14:15

Love it. Love your heart. So beautiful. So as

Kate Harlow: 01:14:19

always, spread this message. Share this podcast episode with

Kate Harlow: 01:14:22

every woman you know who could really benefit from this message

Kate Harlow: 01:14:26

today, and and Dr Valerie's incredibly generous, beautiful

Kate Harlow: 01:14:30

heart and message. And thank you so much, and we'll see you next

Kate Harlow: 01:14:35

week. Thank you.