The 3 Keys to Overcoming Resentment in Your Relationships

Kate Harlow: 00:00:00

Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison. You are the one that's consuming the poison, and you are expecting somebody else to be affected by it, meanwhile, the somebody else is just living their life and most likely aren't as affected by it as you are. So my hope and intention with this episode, and I'm going to share it. I'm going to break down the three keys. My hope is that you can really start to look into where am I holding resentment. Because if you are holding resentment, if you have anyone in your life that you feel resentful towards right now, it means you are not taking responsibility for your feelings, for yourself, for your own yeses and nos, your own choices, your own actions and for your own life.

Kate Harlow: 00:00:51

Hello, my love. Welcome to the new truth podcast. Kate Harlow, here season three. How's it going? How's Season Three going for you. I mean, not too much has changed, but I just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling, how you're enjoying it. I would love to hear from you. If you don't already, follow me on Instagram. You can look up Kate Harlow. It's under the unscripted woman with no E at the end of scripted. Yeah, follow me on there. Send me a message. Tell me how the podcast is for you, how you're enjoying it. What you want to hear more of what you're loving. I love connecting with you. I love hearing stories of breakthroughs and transformations and yeah. It really means a lot. So would love to hear from you. I am sitting here in the beautiful, what's called Ola pengi house in Kenya, um, at Ola pengi farm where I did my where I've been doing my artist in residence program, writing a book, as you know, as most of you know, unless you're new here, and I'm sitting in this beautiful house where we actually the house that we did our retreat in November. I basically just record episodes and do coaching sessions from wherever I can find good Wi Fi. So hopefully the Wi Fi is good today, and you can hear me all the way through, but I'm feeling tender and grateful and just in deep appreciation for this journey. I'm at the getting towards the end. I'm currently in my last week here, and I have been here for nine weeks in total. I ended up extending my trip another week because a friend of mine from Athens came out and spent four days with me here at the farm. We had a blast. I saw lions, I've seen a lion face before, but this was like my first real lion sighting, where the lionesses were walking next to our safari jeep. And it was a incredibly profound experience, incredibly profound. They're such beautiful creatures. And I mean really elephants, giraffes, they're just exquisite. I honestly, I could do safaris every day, all day. So if you've never been to Africa, I never you know it wasn't really high on my priority list, but I just think, Gosh, you never know where your soul and heart are aligned. It wasn't on my radar at all to even come here, other than maybe one day. It was kind of a far away one day, and you've heard me talk about it a million times, how it's just been the most profound experience, and I can't even really put it into words yet, but I'm sure I'll have words soon. Probably I'll do an episode around it, but I was thinking one of my favorite and I promise I'll get to the episode in a minute, but I just wanted to share a little bit about my journey. You know, one of my favorite things about life is we think we're going summer for one thing, and then we end up getting something else, like more than we ever fathomed from that thing. You know, like I came here to work on the book, which I have done, I have written a lot, and there has been a lot of devotion, and I have gone through phases where I've not wanted to do it. I was sick for 10 days. I went through a phase where I was just like, feeling bored of it, and uninspired. And, you know, all is normal and welcome, and part of the process of learning something new and of being creative even, you know you can't force creativity. But one of my favorite things is that while I'm here to write the book, I had this new vision come through of a possibility for getting this work out into the world in a new way and a new format. And I'm not going to share what it is now. I'm just going to leave you on a cliffhanger. We'll share it one day when the time is right. But I what I'm loving is just the creative inspiration that has flown, that has not flown through me, that has poured through me over the last couple weeks. So I spent, you know, many, many weeks connecting, meeting, magical and. Amazing people from all over the world, a few of which I'm going to have on the podcast to inspire and spark you. But I have spent the last nine weeks resting and being in nature and eating the most exquisite food that's grown on this land, and living off grid, off grid, and living in a tent where I wake up in the morning to the birds serenading me, and I leave the flaps open so I can see and smell and feel and hear nature, and it's unbelievably. I don't even have words for it, indescribable. So I've been living in nature, living with people in

Kate Harlow: 00:05:36

community, meeting amazing people from all over the world, having newness, you know, because there's always new people coming, all the guests that stay at olapangi, and then having the consistency of all my friends who work here, who have become family to me, and Elizabeth and her husband, or not husband yet, but her partner, um, Elizabeth, the owner, who I had on the podcast, and spending lots of time with them and just playing and camping and campfires and stars stargazing and, you know, laughing and safaris and seeing animals, and it's been the most rich experience. And now these creative ideas are flowing through not just for me. I'm having ideas for friends. I'm having ideas for Elizabeth and the farm, all of these downloads. And I used to actually be a business coach, so I can see, but I'm having these visions that I couldn't see before. If I had just stayed in my day to day, in my box, in Athens, you know, which is new too, but it's I've been there for three years, so if I just were to stay there around the same people and doing the same thing, would this new creative inspiration come through? I don't think so. You know, I really think, okay, so this, this whole spiel right now, I recognize we will get to resentment. I promise you, this will be a real good episode. It's actually connected to not last week, but the week before, the conversation we had about leaving your comfort zone, right? Had I not left my comfort zone? Had I not gone and had this new experience that my saboteur was afraid of, which I laugh at now because I'm like, what was I afraid of? It is heaven here. I wouldn't have had these unbelievably beautiful, creative inspirations that have come through, not just for the book, but for the future of where I'm going to go with this message and with this work and with the method coaching method that I developed. So I'm excited to share with you when the time is right, but I'm my intention of sharing this is just to inspire you to do the thing that you're afraid to do, right go the place that you've always wanted to go, but you're uncertain, or there's a part of you that's hesitant, stop following the hesitant part and follow the part that just knows and that's curious and that has deep desires, because there is so much medicine and magic that happens when we let ourselves play And when we let ourselves rest, and when we let it, let ourselves connect and meet new people and experience newness, right? Go new places and have new experiences. So and you know what that this whole spiel is connected to the resentment episode. So today, we're going to talk about the three keys to cleaning up resentment in all your relationships. How many, how many people do you still feel resentful towards? Perhaps you feel resentful towards your kids because they don't help around the house and they're teenagers. Perhaps you feel resentful towards your spouse or your partner. Perhaps you feel resentful towards your mother in law or your best friend or your boss or a colleague, or, you know, who knows, but so many people are swimming in resentment every single day. And that saying I heard, I'm certain you've heard this saying, but I heard it so long ago, and it stuck with me, pretty sure I heard it in coaching school. Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Okay, it's dramatic. You probably don't want the other person to die, but that is what resentment is, even if your resentment is towards that guy in the white house, right? Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison. You are the one that's consuming the poison, and you are expecting somebody else to be affected by it, meanwhile, the somebody else is just living their life, and most likely aren't as affected by it as you are. So my hope and intention with this episode, and I'm going to share it, I'm going to break down the three keys. My hope is that you can really start to look into where am I holding resentment? Because if you are holding resentment, if you have anyone in your life that you feel resentful towards right now, it means you are not taking responsibility for your feelings, for yourself, for your own yeses and nos, your own choices, your own actions. Decisions and for your own life. Okay, that is absolutely an indicator that you are out of alignment and that you are projecting and blaming your pain onto someone else. It's not your fault, because everybody does this. You know, we are modeled a lot of ineffective communication and blame and poor leadership all over the world. And really we're not. Nobody taught us how to have healthy relationships. Nobody taught us how to own our side. So it's not your fault. However, if you want to have a good life, if you want to feel good in your life, if you want to stop feeling anxious all the time, or depressed or exhausted or you know, in deep suffering internally, cleaning our presentment is one of the greatest ways to lighten up. I'm I think of my life before I hit record, I was just taking some notes and feeling into this topic. And this is something I certainly help my clients clean up in a really big way. And they're all the relationships change like the the most unexpected, miraculous relationships transform and heal and become something new. The most unexpected, I'm talking like, you know, the the mom you you can't stand, or the the sister in law that you judge, or whoever like the hardest really, the husband who you think is hopeless, the most unexpected people transform when you clean up your side of the street. And that's what we're going to do today, is take full that's what the new truth is about. Like, how can I actually take responsibility for myself and my life so that I get to experience what I want to experience. And as long as you're resentful that me, when you are resentful, you're blaming someone else. You're blaming them for your pain, you're blaming them maybe for your lack of pleasure. But regardless you are, you are putting your power outside of yourself, and there's nowhere to go from there, even if they are at fault, even if you have such a good reason to be resentful towards them, that resentment is keeping you in a prison cell inside of yourself, and you will not get out until you Release the resentment, until you shift your perspective and choose something different, right? And now I'm thinking of the saying the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. So it's like to look at someone and think they have to change, and then put all your energy on wanting to change and control them, thinking, If only he was more like this, if only he could communicate better, if only he could did that, or she could, or they could. When you are in that frame of mind, if only they could do something different than I would feel better. You are unnecessarily suffering, and you are absolutely given your power away. So the first key, the first key to cleaning up the resentment in your relationships is to clean up projections. Right? Where am I holding someone else responsible for my pain? Because the reality is, even if someone hurt you really bad, let's say you were in a relationship and your partner cheated on you. Okay, let's say you like and it was like the worst case scenario, you found out, like you didn't know, and you walked in on them, or you found you saw a text message and you were you felt heartbroken in that moment, you felt betrayed in that moment. And what happens that person pressed a button? Like, I like to actually think of it, Kate, button might be a nicer metaphor, but think of it as a gunshot wound, right? You've already been shot. The gunshot wound was already there from your childhood, and let's say the wound is, I'm not I must not be enough. I must not be good enough. Because why would they need to be with someone else when they're with me? It must mean something about me, right? That's usually where women go after an experience like that. So the reality is, you're activated by the thing that happened. Yes, however, the reason it feels so unbelievably painful is because that person stuck their finger in the gunshot wound that was already there, and they're touching it like would that hurt? Yes or no, yes, of course that would hurt if someone stuck their finger in a gunshot wound, it would hurt like hell. And so of course, you'll look at that person and think that they're responsible for that pain, but the gunshot wound was already there. I i don't like guns, so this is not the best metaphor, but it's true, like the wound was already there from your childhood, from so many experiences you had as a little girl where you internalize situations and you made things mean that you weren't enough as you are. So you have to be different. You have to be more beautiful and smarter and more this and more that. That's those are the beliefs you picked up as a small child. Okay? And now this person comes into your life, the situation happens, and they. Press that button, or they put their finger in that wound, and you think it's them, right? So you hold on to the story of resentment that they are responsible for your pain, but they are not responsible for your pain. They they simply activated it. Okay? So they activate it doesn't mean what they did was right, doesn't? No, I'm not talking about right or wrong here, but as long as you hold on to the story that they are at fault for your pain, and you're holding them hostage inside of yourself, inside of your mind, for your pain, you are suffering, right? You are powerless. You are there's nowhere to go from there, so, and then you just keep swimming in the story, and you keep feeling this pain over and over and over again. So that's an example of someone who deeply hurt you. I'll use another example, because often people feel resentful in relationships that they're in every day. So let's say you have a friend who's really selfish, and they always ask for what they want, and they always get what they want, and you never do and you're so resentful because feels like everything you do is for them, and they don't do anything for you, right? Easy to feel resentment in a situation like that. And a lot of women are self sacrificers, people pleasers, so they would attract situations like that, right? Or maybe that's your partner, your romantic partner. They don't consider you. They don't go out of their way for you. You consider them all the time, but they don't so how we can clean up our projections? Because that's step one. Is to clean up your projections, key, or keen one, or whatever you want to call it, how you clean up your projections is like, where am I holding them? Where am I holding the expectation on them to be different, right? Or where am I? Where am I believing that they should be different, because that is such a waste of your time. We all do it, right? We all do it. We all, you know, tell stories to our friends and talk about how you know so and so is behaving like this, and how ridiculous they should be different. Like wow, they like how she shouldn't be so selfish. Who are you to decide how someone is and who someone is you are not is not your job, even if they're your very best friend, even if it's your mother, even if it's your lover, even if it's your child, it is not your job to to police or determine how other people should live their lives, right? But what you do have control over is how you participate. And so if you are participating in a relational dynamic where someone's always calling the shots and they're always getting their way and and you're never getting your way. My first question I would ask you is, are you even speaking up? Are you even sharing your desires? Are you even clear on your desires? Are you so used to being the shape shifter, going with the flow, doing what everyone else is doing, and then being bitter and resentful after that, that nobody's considered you right. Chances are you are participating in this not chances are, it's guaranteed you're participating in this dynamic. So where are you blaming? Where are you holding expectations to other people? And then the second part of that, and they're they're super interconnected, is like to own your side of the street. So if you have been if you can see clearly in a relational dynamic that you have been playing out that self sacrificing shape shifter, and you've been going with the flow and doing what everyone else wants, and meanwhile secretly feeling bitter and resentful that they're not asking you what you want, or they're not considering you, it's time to stop participating in the dynamic of the the shape shifter and the self sacrificer. So and I have a that saboteur mini course. I will link it below this episode so you can go through the saboteur archetypes. If you want to learn more about that, I probably will do a master class in June. But for now, there's the saboteur mini course. But you you have to clean up your saboteur patterns in order to stop attracting and stop participating and placating those relational dynamics, right? So if you own your part, you can look at, okay, what, what is my pattern in this dynamic, right? So for looking at the cheating husband,

Kate Harlow: 00:19:21

if you were heartbroken and you were cheated on and heartbroken? I mean, even that, I was writing about that in the book the other day, it's like, such a victim word I've been heartbroken. Like, probably the chances are who broke your heart was actually you telling the same story over and over again that you're not good enough, you're not lovable, you're not worthy, because this man left you for another woman. You must not be this enough, not be that enough. Like usually it's us who breaks our own hearts, and the heart actually can't be broken. Obviously, that is just a saying. But for that situation, let's look at the relational dynamic. If someone cheated on you and they lied and they went behind your back and you didn't know what was your part. It, right? What were you playing in so often when I work with women who have this experience where their husbands are off doing something else, and eventually they find out and they're so resentful because they're like, I've done everything for you. I literally book your dentist appointments, I take care of your children, I clean your house, I pick up your socks, I do your laundry. I've done everything for you, and I have a full time job, and this is how you pay me back the audacity, right? So women hold on to that, that story of like I have done everything for you, and this is what you do to me. This is how you treat me, and they want to hold on to that resentment, expecting him to be hurt. And I've had so many clients I've worked with over the years who've been through this, but when we start to take ownership, because, hey, he's just being himself, right? You can take that personally, or you can not take that personally. You can learn how to not take other people's behavior personally, and it will hurt way less. Their behavior will hurt way less when you see, oh, this isn't a reflection of me and how worthy I am of their love. This is just a reflection of how they do relationships. They aren't honest. They don't know how to communicate very well. They don't ask for what they want, share what they want, need or desire. They haven't they haven't asked if this is something I want to participate in, right? So you look at all the ways that all the ways that they've been behaving, that's their behavior, you can leave that over there. You cannot take that on. You cannot take that personally. That's an option. That's a choice. And I understand this is not the easiest thing to do, maybe easier said than done at this point in your journey, but I promise, it's a learnable skill. You can learn how to stop taking other people's behavior personally. And when you clean up your projections, you will, over time, you will stop taking things so personally. Really, it's, it's absolutely possible, because I used to take everything and absolutely everything personally. And now, when someone like, I even had a woman at Ola pangi who like, I was rubbing her the wrong way. I think it's maybe happened a couple times here, because I'm different than a lot of the people that come here, and I had this woman that was had shared with someone else that I essentially I was rubbing her the wrong way, and not one part of me took it personally. I was like, Oh, of course, I'm rubbing her the wrong way. She is very linear and practical and logical and, you know, and controlling, and I am very free spirited and loving, and like the opposite so, and like all the parts of her that are shut down, I'm representing, so I'm going to be triggering. That's not personal, right? So someone cheats on you. That's about them, not you. That's not about you or or if your best friend doesn't consider you, she invites someone else on a trip and forgets to invite you or doesn't invite you. That's not personal. That's actually not about you. There's a book called The Four Agreements. If you haven't read it yet, please do. It's incredibly important, but we make everything about us when it's not actually about us. So yes, it's not, not to say it's not going to hurt if you're in a relationship and you have an agreement with someone and you've imagined that it's going to be a relationship that's going to be there for a long time, and you get redirected and it goes a different route, of course, that's going to sting at first. It's going to hurt. And I'm not saying, don't feel your feelings, but when you can clean up your projections, okay, I'm projecting onto him that he should be different, instead of being like, oh, okay, thank you for showing me who you are. Would have been nice if you had the skills and the ability. I'm not saying, Say this out loud. This is more internal, but would have been nice if you had the skills and abilities to be able to communicate that you no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me, and that you had feelings for someone else. But I can see that you don't, and I know that that's not personal. And so I'm going to let you go on your journey, because it seems like you're wanting something else now, and I can honor and respect that. In the meantime, I'm going to clean up my side of the street, right? So, like, what they do is what they do that's not about you. That's where you clean up your projections, and then you go, Okay, what it what is mine. I did everything for him. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, that's probably yours, right? I don't know what's yours. And obviously, I'm just giving a few examples. I don't know what situations you're in where you're holding on to resentment, but what is your saboteur pattern in that relationship? Right? If you were doing everything for a man or a woman or whoever, then you're being their mom, right? You're playing the role of mom. That's the controller. The controller derives, control. She derives, pardon me, power from doing everything for everyone, right? She feels needed, and when she feels needed, that's her, her way of feeling love. It's like a currency. The controller feels loved when she feels needed and when she does everything for everyone, but when you're doing. Everything for everyone, you're playing the role of their mother, and then you're going to what's going to happen in any relational dynamic is, if you are behaving as someone's mom, guess what? They're going to behave like either a teenager, which is the cheating husband, right? A teenager or child, acting out, running away, wanting shutting down, you know, demanding on you to do things for them all. Think of all the things teenagers and children do. That's what is going to happen if you show up in a relational dynamic as someone's mom, right? So that's an example of how you can own your part. You can stop blaming this person for how you feel you can stop holding on to the story, as if that's gonna do something, holding on and you know, okay, if you're in the first week, vent the story out. For sure. The story needs to be vented. It needs to be shared. After the first week, you clean our first month, or whatever feels right for you, you clean it up. It's like, okay, this man showed me who he is. I'm going to believe him, right? This woman showed me who she is. I'm going to believe her. I'm going to clean up my side of the street. And in some situations, the dynamic will change when you stop participating in the pattern. And now you can have a new type of relationship. You can have a deeper relationship. You can have more intimacy, more connection, more love. And in some situations, like maybe the guy that cheated on you 20 times, like it's maybe time to move on, but transition how you relate and communicate to that person and not expect anything else from them, right? If you expect something from someone that they've never given you, or you know you know that they're not capable of, well, then that's your own insanity that you're creating, that's your own pain and suffering that you are creating for yourself. So own your part. Where are you not being honest with yourself? You know, I've been thinking a lot about this lately. How many people feel resentful towards like people in their life who tell them what to do and then they feel resentful later, let's say you wanted to go on a big trip, and someone was like, Oh, why would you like, Wow, that's crazy. Why would you go to Africa? That's that's scary, that's dangerous, and then you don't go and you listen to them, as opposed to your own inner compass. Of course, you're going to feel resentful later, or the person who told you, you know, to stay in your relationship because your certain age and you you shouldn't throw this relationship away, even though your gut was screaming now, or whatever the story may be, if you are letting other people influence your decisions, don't, no matter who it is, if you are letting other people influence your decisions, guaranteed you'll feel resentful later, right? Another way we do that as women all the time is stay in relationships way past their expiry date, because we're afraid to hurt the person we're with. Fear of hurting another person, fear of disappointing your friends and family, fear of disappointing your mom and dad, fear of disappointing your your your husband, fear of letting down your kids. That's a huge one. So we stay and I hear this story so much, and then we break our own hearts over and over and over again, and we become smaller and smaller and smaller, and we become so bitter and resentful, and now that's the version that your husband's getting, or your parents are getting, or your kids are getting. Do you think that's actually good for them. No, I'm gonna speak for you. You get to choose your own adventure, but no, right? Then people are getting this bitter, resentful version of you, and that is coming through in all your communications, in all your intimacy, in all your connection, and all your your your diluting. The Love, whether it's parental love, colleague, love, friend, love, romantic love, child love, you're diluting the love because you're bringing, you're going against your own compass, and you're and you're bringing your bitterness and resentment into the relationship, instead of doing the really hard thing which is going to change your life, instead of doing the really hard thing, which is going with the truth in your own heart,

Kate Harlow: 00:29:09

even if the truth in your own heart you think is going to break everyone else's hearts, see them as capable, right? We're not like women. I women just constantly want to sacrifice their own lives and their own choices for other people to not let other people down. I've said this before. I think I said this in the last episode, your life is your own, and that all those other people got their own life. We all get one. They got one. This is yours. You get to choose what you do with it. And if you are not listening to your inner compass. If you are not following your own heart, you're marching to the beat of your own drum, your own rhythm, even if it's going against the grain of what everyone else is doing. If you are not listening to that, you will be anxious, you will be depressed, you will be in discord inside of yourself. And then. Bring that bitterness and resentment into into all your relational dynamics, which actually is just hurting people. So if you want to bring the gift of who you are to the world, because you are a gift, right? Every single one of us is then you have to be really honest, right? Stop going to the job and then blaming your boss for how you feel and judging your boss and thinking she's a horrible person. I work for the Devil Wears Prada. If you haven't seen that movie, you should. It's great with Meryl Streep. But you know, if you if you're blaming your boss and then showing up at work every day and being mad and talking shit about your boss to all your friends and gossiping and blaming her for your suffering, but showing up every day. Hey, here's how you can clean that up. You're choosing it. You're going to work every day. You're taking the paycheck, right? Even if you're underpaid and overworked, you're still choosing it. You can choose to stand up yourself, for yourself. You can choose to do something different. So in owning your part, speaking your truth, is incredibly important, right? Let's say you're at the job and you're working insane hours and not paid enough, you go to your boss. You first. You own your feelings. Owning your part is like, don't bring your resentment to your boss. Don't bring your resentment to your husband or your friend. You feel your feelings first. You acknowledge that little girl inside of you that feels not good enough or not worthy or not valued. You acknowledge her, you tell her, just because you're paid less than that guy beside you doesn't mean you're not valued. It has nothing to do with your value. But what's happening here is I'm choosing this every day, even though it doesn't feel good, which means I am not seeing my own value, and then I'm projecting that onto my boss, and I'm blaming her, and I'm resentful, and I'm drinking poison and expecting her to die, right? That doesn't work. So you feel your feelings, you acknowledge that part of yourself. You acknowledge that, oh, it's me that's not seeing my value. Look in the mirror. You think it's everyone else with resentment. The most important thing is you. That's how you own your part. Go sit in front of the mirror and whatever you're thinking about your boss or your friend or your lover, your boyfriend or your husband or whoever, your mother in law sit in front of the mirror and say those things to yourself and see what unbelievable epiphanies that you have where you can see, oh, actually, it's me doing it to me, because it's always an inside job. It's so simple. It's not easy, right to see, but it's so simple. It is you. It's always an inside job. So it's not them that don't see my value. It's me that keeps saying yes to overworking and being underpaid from the insecure part of me, instead of being in the sovereign woman, instead of getting to know the heroine, becoming the heroine of my own story and saying, Hey, here's what I like about this job, here's what I'm not willing to do, here's what hours I'm willing to work, here's what I'm not willing to do, and here's how much I'm willing and here's how much I need to make in order to to do all of this. And then you see where, if they can meet you there, and if they can't, it's not for you, and you move on, right? Or you negotiate. But ultimately, you are in the driver's seat. We are so powerless when we're blaming and if you are resentful, you are blaming someone or some situation, whether it's even the economy, even Donald Trump, whoever you're blaming right now, you are creating a prison cell for yourself, and you are suffering unnecessarily, right? It doesn't mean you're not going to have feelings. Your feelings need to be felt. They need to be moved. You need to learn how to be in relationship with your feelings. But as long as you're holding on to blame and resentment for someone else to be different, you are drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. It is such a waste of your life. It is such a waste of your life. I think of resentment makes me also I have so many quotes, but it makes me think of that quote. I know I've said it probably a lot of times on this podcast, but one of my favorite quotes of all times that I find so palpable, like I really feel it deeply when I say it between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said. Most love is lost between what is meant and not said and what is said and not meant. Most love is lost. Most love is lost. Most connection is lost. Most opportunity is lost because we're spending so much time making meaning of everyone's else's behavior, blaming, wishing they were different, thinking they should be different, so we don't feel bad,

Kate Harlow: 00:34:24

right? And and and having expectations on other people to change so we feel better. That is the most intense self fulfilling prophecy ever. You are the only one who can change your life. A miracle is a shift in perception, you can change your perspective any time, anytime, and see a situation differently. Wait, if you're feeling bad, check in. Wait. Who am I blaming right now? Where am I expecting the world to be different so I feel better, right? Because good luck with that. Where can I. Clean up my side of the street. Where am I not speaking my truth and standing with and for myself and speaking your truth doesn't look like hey, you need to be different so I feel better. Hey, you need to not behave like that, or you can't be friends with me. It looks like you cleaning up your patterns and no longer operating from them, and then seeing what relationships evolve with you and the rest are going to dissolve. They're going to fall away. Evolve or dissolve. Mariana and I came up with that one my my dear soul sister, evolve or dissolve. Your relationships will come with you that are meant to and the ones that are no longer aligned. When you stop participating in that self sacrificing or people pleasing or controlling, or whatever your part is in that dynamic of that person you're resentful towards, when you clean that up, the relationships will evolve, and your relationship, more importantly, with yourself, will evolve, right? Everything inside will shift and re orchestrate, and you will get your life back. Resentment is such a waste of time. It is such a waste of time. But of course, the saboteur loves to be right, and we really learned that that was part of our programming, and still is, like, there's a good and a bad, there's a right and a wrong, there's a good and an evil right. That's such a big part of how we've been programmed and trained. So we think, Oh, I'm right in this moment, that person's wrong, and we tell everyone and gossip. I mean, you want to stop be feeling resentful. Stop gossiping full full stop. Stop complaining about people who aren't there. Stop talking about how everyone else is wrong and you're right. Because guess what? Your friends in that moment will make you feel right, because that's how people have learned to bond with each other. But that's not real bonding. If you're bonding with your friends by talking about other people and how wrong they are and how messed up they are, and your friends are agreeing with you, and you're feeling good in that moment. Do you feel good long term? No. Do you feel good when you go to bed that night? No, most people aren't laying in bed going, Yeah. Everyone thinks I'm right. They're laying in bed going, Oh God, my problem just went from a small problem to a really big problem, right? Because the more people you tell and the more people that agree with you, the bigger your case gets, the bigger your conviction gets, the stronger your conviction gets, the more charged you get. It actually is fuel to the fire, and now it's an out of control wildfire when you could have just said, Okay, I feel activated by my boss. What's mine? Oh, she made a comment. She was just being who she is. It felt Curt, it felt harsh, it felt cold, it felt condescending, okay? And underneath all of it, I'm feeling pain, because I feel like I'm not good enough, and I'm working so hard for her, and nothing feels like enough. It's like the resentful woman who got cheated on, I'm doing all these things for him, and nothing's enough underneath that I don't feel like I'm good enough. Okay, that's the button that got pushed. That's why it hurts so bad. Mean, instead of just being like, oh, Miranda is just being Miranda. That's the Devil Wears Prada woman, she's just being Miranda. And my husband, who's, you know, a self centered narcissist who's out there sleeping with everyone and not considering the impact on me is just being him. It's time to get honest with myself. It's time to decide, do I want to keep choosing this? And how can I show up more in my power around this situation? Owning your side of the street is the greatest way to be in your power. So step one is clean up your projections, all the blame, all the stories of how the other person should be, should feel different, all the gossip, all the expectations. And step two is, own your part. Own your side of the street. What is my pattern? What am I bringing to this dynamic? I can blame them till I'm blue in the face. That does nothing. They are not responsible for my pain. They're responsible for themselves. I'm responsible for myself. So as I take responsibility for myself, what is mine to own? And where can I show up differently? How can I show up more from the sovereign woman, from the heroine versus the victim, or the self sacrifice or the people pleaser or the shape shifter or the controller or the like. Where am I contributing to this dynamic, and where can I speak my truth? Where can I stand with and for myself like you know? Thank you so much for this opportunity. By the end of the next three months, I'm going to need to have a conversation about a pay increase and tweak of my contract, because this isn't going to be working for me moving forward. So let me know when we can talk. I mean, I just the three months I'm obviously, I'm just making up examples, but that's clearly communicating and standing with and for yourself. I want to have a conversation about how we can make this work for all of us, as long as I'm here, and then the very last one is to meet your own needs and your own desires. Right? In relationships, we have so we have so many disillusions about other people being responsible for our needs, you know. And I think this gets brought up a lot in even therapy. Some therapists are of the belief that other people are responsible for our needs. Are they meeting your needs? And I would say nobody's responsible for your needs, and if they are, then you are going to be playing into that dynamic where one person is the teenager or the child and the other person's the mom or the dad or both, right? When someone else is responsible for your needs only. You are responsible for your needs and they and when you're in relationship, and you're taking full responsibility for your needs, you're taking full responsibility for your desires, and then you're bringing your full self into that relationship. Now you can be met by someone who also will bring their full self, who also will take responsibility for their needs and their desires. Does that mean you're not going to do things for each other? Of course, not. Of course you're going to do things for each other. Of course you're going to support each other and show up for each other. And we you want to have standards right? Standards are like, I need to be with someone who cares about their health, who's who you know is kind and generous, who's who's supportive and independent, whatever those are your standards, someone who's aligned with you. But you have to be embodying those qualities in order to attract someone who's aligned in that way. And that's the feeling in relationship of being met, right? I in all my relationships and all my friendships, I am met by women, and met women in my friendships and men in my relationship, or man in my relationship, I am met by by a similar energetic frequency, because I'm embodying the frequency, right? What matters to me, and I just listed some of my values, being on purpose and doing something I love in the world that really matters to me. So I could not be with someone who does not care about the work they do in the world. I need, like entrepreneurial purpose driven that's so important for me, and so I thrive in friendships. All of my friends are entrepreneurs. All of my friends have big purposes. They're all big dreamers, and that's why we are so aligned. Same with my romantic relationships, our values need to be aligned. So that really matters to me, health and well being really matters to me. So that is the kinds of relationships I attract. And it's not like I'm looking for them, it's just the embodiment of how I treat myself and how I live my life, and then you attract the match. When you're in your saboteur, you're trying to get something from someone else, right? So if I'm looking to you to meet my needs, that's the extractive kind of relationship. I don't feel good enough. So I want you to call me as much as possible. I need you to give me time every single day. I need you to do this and that and the other in order for me to feel safe. Well, now my needs are outside of myself. Now I'm extracting something. Now I'm making someone else responsible for how I feel, rather than remembering safety is inside. I'm responsible for how I feel, I'm responsible for meeting my desires. I'm responsible for all of that. When I take full responsibility for that, that's when resentment falls away. I can't remember the last time I felt resentful towards someone because i i I'm not projecting, blaming everyone else for how I feel. I own my feelings. I feel, my feelings. I take responsibility for my feelings. I'm not operating from my patterns in my relationships, but from my soul. And when my patterns arise, I meet them and I love them, and I connect with that little girl that feels not good enough or not valuable or whatever underneath, right? I take a full ownership of that, and then I fully follow my heart and meet my own needs and desires. So I attract sovereign people. All the closest people in my life are sovereign. You can have that too. You can have healthy, thriving relationships where you don't have to swim all day long in the stories that everyone else should be different and like what a waste of your life. Your life is so precious. Your life is so precious, and everything will change when you take full responsibility for it and you stop blaming the world around you for how you feel. So between what is said and not meant and what is meant and not said, most love is lost what is said and not meant. So that's the stuff that where we take everything personally. We people don't know how to communicate, so we internalize their behavior, what is meant and not said, right, the inability to communicate how we feel and what's true, right? If we're not true to our own hearts, how can we be true to anyone else? So cleaning this up is everything, because you deserve to feel good in all your relationships, and if you're holding other people responsible for how you feel, you are suffering End of story. You are creating an invisible prison cell around you, and you deserve so much more. So I hope this episode served you and supported you. If you have any questions you want me to go deeper into any of it on another episode, please. Let me know. Reach out unscripted woman on the unscripted woman with no E on Instagram, the unscripted woman.com

Kate Harlow: 00:45:08

reach out to me anywhere would love to hear from you. Tell me, yeah, what you want to hear about, what you love. And would love it if you could spread this episode to every woman you know who is holding on to resentment and hoping the other person to suffer but ready to be liberated herself. If you know a woman in need who's suffering in her relationships, please share this episode, and I love you and we'll see you next week. Bye.