Understanding Men with Guy Shahar

Guy Shahar: 00:00:00

What I did was, is I started to really do my inner work and get in touch with my body and learn to trust my body. And, you know, through Tantra, through all these different practices, through breathing, through meditation, through really tuning in and listening to the body and going inward, and I got to a place where I trusted my own body, and I got to a place where I could communicate. Here are the places that it's okay to touch me. Here are the places that it's not okay to touch me. I like this type of touch, but not that type of touch, and I would communicate that to my lovers. And I got so comfortable with my body that I could even be with with women and not communicate those things and and just and I started to experiment, like, Okay, I don't like, I don't like being touched on my nipples. And I said, and I said, Well, if she touches my nipples, let me just see how that feels. And I started to get a little bit more comfortable with it. So when I'm with women now, I say, you know, I used to not like my nipples being touched, like, don't, don't zero in on that area and spend all your time there, but a little bit here and there is okay, I'm leaning into that. Like I got so comfortable with my body that I that in in the eight bedroom context, for sure, that I was like, You know what? Now I can let a woman touch me, and I can actually receive her touch. If there is something I really don't like, I can make an ask for an adjustment. I'm good at communicating that as well, and learning these communication skills is a huge touch point for it, but you can't learn what you want until you start to touch your own body like you have to know what feels good and why. I don't like this, and I like this, and I like to be touched this way and that way. And then once you know that, you need to learn the skills to communicate that, and once you have all that, it's easy to trust someone. Hello, my loves.

Kate Harlow: 00:01:38

Before you dive into this week's very important episode, I thought I would reintroduce our guest today. I had him on last month for a conversation around relationships and what it takes to have really deep, intimate relationships. Guy Shahar is the founder and head trainer of the tantra Institute. He's a relationship coach. He teaches intimacy and how to actually have healthy, thriving relationships. He's the founder of speed Tantra, speed dating, which happens in 50 cities all over the world. And this man is a legend. So there might be some elements of this episode that activate you, especially if you have resentment built up towards men, but my intention with this conversation is really that it liberates our hearts and allows a different perspective. Guy has coached 1000s of men all over the world and women, and has really helped people transform their ability to relate in a more meaningful, deeper, more intimate way. So he shares lots of tips on how to understand men, what men want, what's really going on for them. I think as women, it's so easy to just blame men, and it's not men's fault. And he one of my favorite things, he says is that there is a good guy inside of every man, and can you not that you're responsible for bringing the good guy out, but you know, depending on where you're coming from, inside of yourself, can you bring the the best qualities out in someone based on who you're being so it's an incredible conversation. I'm really excited for you to hear it. Let me know how it goes. And of course, as always, spread the word to all your gal pals who need to hear this message. Hello, hello. Welcome to the new truth podcast. We have guy Shahar is in the house again. What did I say your name? Right?

Guy Shahar: 00:03:34

I think you did. Yeah.

Kate Harlow: 00:03:38

Nice to have you back so soon, and to have man energy on the new truth podcast, I think I'm going to make this a thing now in season three, it feels really good. It's

Guy Shahar: 00:03:48

good to be back. I feel once again, flattered to be invited to the girls slumber party, and I hope I get to meet all of the women after the call.

Kate Harlow: 00:03:58

We'll see. We'll see if we can organize a new truth gathering starring you. We'll see what we can do. I'm so excited to have this conversation. I think it stemmed from something that was said. I had so many of my clients reach out and sit at the end of your last episode. Those of you who haven't heard guys episode it was episode four of season three. The key mindset shift to transform your love life. And I had clients of mine reach out, and they were like, at the end, you said there was going to be a part two. I can't wait till next week, and part two is a little bit delayed, so I'm so happy to have this conversation now. But you you just started chatting about men and men's perspectives at the end of last week's episode. And from being a relationship coach, I've worked I've been coaching for about 15 years, but I've been specifically working with women around love and relationships and dating for the last nine and have heard a lot of horror stories over the years. And so even myself, after about the first a couple of years of doing my work, I had. Start to unpack all of these beliefs I was starting to form about men, and I was starting to have my own hatred and resentment towards men deep, deep, deep down. Like, of course, have a lot of great men in my life, but I was just noticing this resentment building up. And, of course, there's like, the ME TOO movement and feminism and women fighting for their rights and yada yada yada, and how and how many horror stories we've all experienced in the dating world. Of course, men have with women too, but it just it builds up. And so my intention with this episode, as I shared with you right before we hit record, is just for you to tell us, like, who are men? What do they want? Are there good guys on planet earth? What do you like from a man's perspective, you've been coaching men for a very long time. You created the tantra Institute. You've been working on with couples and with singles, on attracting love, creating love, creating intimacy. And I'm sure you hold a lot of views. So yeah, that's my intention. Is just to hear your perspective on men and to to hopefully I'm in a place in my life where I love men and I've shifted all those old stories. But my hope is that this episode starts to shift the shift the stories that of resentment and anger towards men that so many women still are are holding on to.

Guy Shahar: 00:06:25

Yeah, well, these are very real issues, and I commend you for cackling them. And you know, a big, a big part of it is, you know, it's all, it's polarity. Putting polarity is about magnetism, masculine and feminine. So you attract what you are. So if you're out there and you have a lot of hatred towards men, you're going to attract the kind of men that are going to feel more of that hatred, or men that already hate themselves, like the women that I know that have made the transition to loving men. They have loving men in their lives, and they appreciate what men have to offer, and men want to give them things because they feel that appreciation. But when a man encounters a woman and he can tell, oh, this woman doesn't like men, they steer away from that woman, and then, or they give her less attention, or they treat her very differently, and then the way that they treat her, because of the energy that they feel fuels that cycle, and she's like, oh, there's no good men out there, because look how this guy acted. Well, you know, every action is a reaction. So I think you have to ask yourself, well, what is it that you are putting out there, and if you want to attract men? And I think the problem is that that a lot of women don't want to attract men, they still have more stuff to work out before they can become good partners for men. And I think a big part of that is that we've just had awful training like you. When you talk about the resentment that a lot of women are feeling towards men, it's like, well, where does that come from? What are resentments? Have you heard the phrase that resentments are just preconceived expectations? I think maybe I'm not saying that quite right, right? Like that. You have an expectation of something and or no expectations are preconceived resentments. I think that's the phrase, because it's like, if your expectation is that a man's going to show up like this, and he's going to be the knight in shining armor, and he's going to give me a kiss while I'm sleeping, I'm going to wake up like Snow White, and everything's going to be pretty, and it's so beautiful. And these are the fairy tales that we teach our children, especially, we poison the minds of young girls in this country. If those are the things that you are expecting, and you don't have a real understanding of what is this relationship supposed to be like, which is, by the way, partly what those fairy tales are, but also partly many other wonderful things that aren't even reflected in those fairy tales. So it's like if, if that's your expectation, then of course you're going to be disappointed by men. Because no, no man is going to come up in a coat of Shining Armor riding a horse. Most of us don't know how to ride horses, just FYI, and I don't know anybody that owns a coat of armor that's, you know, except maybe one person who has a mansion in Malibu, California, and maybe you want to go and date him, but, you know, but if you want to have a real relationship with a man, then you do need to do to undo all of the societal programming that you've been programmed with, which is, like, really bad programming, like It, it's, I'll tell you why it's bad programming, because you're like, No, but I've had bad experiences with men. Okay, so, so here's the thing you need to know about men. Okay, let's just level it out, because you asked me the question, are there any good men? And I don't know if that's really the right question we should be asking ourselves, because any man can be good. It depends on the environment and the atmosphere, and again, what you're bringing to that situation. If you approach a man with hatred with negativity, it's unlikely that he's going to respond to you positively and say, How can I give you things? Right? So in that kind of situation, right? Now, a lot of men are withdrawing from relationships because there is so much negativity coming at them from women. They're like, what am I doing here? Like, why? Why should I invest in this relationship? I'm not getting anything out of it. Like, I'm just, I'm not going to give you something and have you yell at me and tell you how I keep doing things wrong. Like, that's not an that's not an exciting thing for a man to be a part of. A man wants to be with a happy, smiling woman where, like, you give her something, and you see her open up like a flower and fully receive your gift. And then you want to give her more gifts, because you're like, wow. Like all these other women, I gave them stuff, and they were like, you know, nasty about it, but I gave stuff to this woman. And look, she grew. And that's what we want to do. We want to help you grow like every single guy that comes to me, nobody says to me, hey guy, how do I fuck over women and make them hate men more? No one has ever said that to me. Maybe I'm a dating coach and I just don't meet the kind of men that that some of you are going out with, that you form these opinions of, but most of the men that come to me are like guy, the number one thing that we want to know, okay, the number one question that men ask me all the time. Ready for this, how do I make her happy? That's what men are trying to do. And you people out there, you women out there that have fallen for these lies and this distorted view of what a man is supposed to be are hating a bunch of people that are like, we're just trying to make you happy. Yes, just want you to be happy, and you're treating us like the enemy. And it's like, oh, this, this world is fucked okay. I don't know if I'm allowed to curse on your podcast. You are, but I tell it the way it is, this world is fucked up beyond repair. If you're buying into that conditioning that men are bad because they're not, they want to make you happy. That's the number one thing. We're always trying to figure out if we do something and you're not happy about it, the men come back to the men's group. Was like, Well, I tried this thing and I don't know what to do. What do I do? How do I make her happy? What one guy came to me. He goes, Oh, she wants to go on this trip, but I can't afford it. What do I do? I can't afford the trip. She wants to go. I don't have the money. I don't know what to do. This is the this is what we talk about. How do we make you happy? So so understand at a so as a sort of foundational general proposition, that all men want to do is make you happy. Let's just start with that one and build from there. How's that? I

Kate Harlow: 00:12:24

love it. I love it. It's just making me think the number one complaint that I hear from men that I've heard over the years, over and over and over again, including past partners of mine, back in in my previous life, before being aware of my own patterns and what I was bringing to the table is nothing I ever do is enough. It's like the woman is always wanting more, more, more, more more, and the man's trying to meet her there, meet her there, meet her there. And eventually he gives up, because it's a game he can't win. Because she's looking for him to give her more, more, more, more more. But really she's trying to fill it and not not enoughness within herself. So coming back to where you started at the beginning is that it's an inside job, really. What I heard was, you know, you have to look in the mirror and see where you're attracting, what you're attracting based on where you're coming from within yourself and what you're believing about men and you.

Guy Shahar: 00:13:18

So let's talk about some practical tips, unless you want to talk a little bit more about this before we move on. Because maybe there are, there are people that like guy. This is bullshit. Men don't want to make anybody happy. That's not been my experience of men like maybe, maybe there are women hearing this that are thinking that, yeah, but you really do want to look at what it is that you are bringing into that relationship. Because so so I knew this woman for a very long time who would go out on dates with men, and she she would go out on dates with men, and then the next day, she would like post on her social media all the things that the guy did wrong. Like, can you believe this happened? Can you believe he did this and just was bashing the person she and every week she'd go out with a different guy and post, but then here's the thing, all of her girlfriends, like, yeah, what kind of a guy did that? And, yeah, you You dodged a bullet there. And, yeah, I can't believe you did this every single time, every single time. Like, I never saw a post where she's like, you know, I had a date today, and it was amazing. I never even saw a post where she said, Hey, I had a date and it was not so bad. Or this guy was not even as bad as the last one. So, and she would post these, like, several of them, I had to unfollow. And I don't know if that's still going on, but I remember that I've known this woman over the course of time that you know, very attractive woman, and I had wanted to go out with her many, many years ago. And so after this thing where I saw her post a lot, she actually, after many years, reached out to me, you know, as I've been working on myself as a man. And getting more attractive to women in La di da she reached out to me and asked me out, and I politely declined, because I did not want to be the next, you know, the next victim on her list of all the things that this guy did wrong. You know, even though, like I haven't, I have been great on dates lately, because I've done so much work I wasn't in the beginning. That's how I got a little bit better at giving women what they want, which, again, women, I'm reminding you, that's the goal for every man, we want to give you what you want so that you can be happy, because if you're happy, we can relax. So I politely declined, because like that, it became clear to me that her goal isn't to find a healthy relationship, and if it is, she needs to do a lot of work, but her goal wasn't to find a healthy relationship. Her goal was to reinforce the cycle that men are bad, and get all of her girlfriends to jump in and acknowledge her there and collude with her so she could continue this mentality that like, well, it's not me, it's that all these men suck.

Kate Harlow: 00:16:04

I feel like this is exactly what you spoke to before we hit record about or maybe, maybe it was at the very beginning. I don't know, but you talked about how women say they want a relationship, and I noticed this with even some friends of mine, where they say they really, really deeply want a relationship, but then they behave in a different way. So that feels a perfect example of how many women do that, where they go online dating, and then they call all their friends to reinforce the story that men suck, that there's no good men, and then that's what the story they're feeding. So therefore that's what keeps perpetuating their experience. But they're saying that they're wanting love. Yeah,

Guy Shahar: 00:16:43

so one of the things that don't so women don't hate me for this, because there's a good intention behind it, but one of the things we sometimes tell men is to ignore what the woman is saying and act based on her behavior. I know that sounds scary to some people, like, What do you mean? Ignore what she's saying. Sometimes you need to not listen to the verbal content of what a woman is saying, but actually be listening to the emotional content underneath, like, what is she actually expressing? And because you women are very confusing to us, you change your mind. I want this. I want this. No, I don't want this. I like you. I don't like you. It's, it's, it's maddening. You. I'm not going to say that women are crazy, but let's just say that women are challenging, and we love you for it. And

Kate Harlow: 00:17:29

we might, we might seem crazy to a man, because men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. We are so different, and we live in a world that maybe is only just starting to wake up to our differences. Women have been putting on Man suits and pretending to be men, and then men are like, Wait, that lady's crazy. But actually, it's just because we're we're different, we're not the same, and nobody really taught us that. So I think that's why we seem crazy to a man, because we are so different. So of course, if I was sitting in your shoes, I would probably think the same thing.

Guy Shahar: 00:18:01

Yeah. Yeah. Well, and we love the chaos, like, this is, this is why we love you, right? This is why we love you. It's quite a ride, quite a roller coaster ride, like, I'll give you an example. I have a friend who reached out to me, and he's dating this woman. And this is kind of a reverse scenario, because, because most women want to get a man to commit to them. And this guy, lovely guy, has so much to offer a woman. I mean, he's skilled, he's done work on himself, and he's dating this woman, and he is in love with her, but she is flighty, and she doesn't want to commit to a relationship with Him. And, you know, they they were together and and they've been seeing each other for several months now, and they were making love, and she said, I love you. And he set it back and and he loves this woman. He wants to be with this woman. And this guy's a catch, let me tell you. But this woman, you know, she's one of these women, she's here, then she's over there, and she's here and she's over there. And he wrote to her afterwards about, like, the impact of that, she said that she loved him, and, you know, he's really excited about their relationship, and he kind of wants to girlfriend her. And she was like, Yeah, that's really great, and, but I'm not really feeling that right now. I want to keep my options open or whatever. And he's gutted because he's in love with this woman. And I said to him, Listen, um, when you're with her, does she feel like her girlfriend? He's like, Yeah. I was like, and did she did you feel like it was real when she said, I love you? He goes, Yeah. I said, All right, then, then, if I were you, I would not try to verbally insist on having the label of girlfriend, and I would ignore what she's saying about oh, I want to keep my options open or whatever. If you feel like this is your woman, and she loves you and you love her, then I wouldn't insist on a label, and I would continue to act as if you are her boyfriend and let her do, go over here and go over the whatever she needs to get out of her system and do, let her run her energy, and as long as you hold your mask. Lynn pole, she will come back to you if that's where she truly wants to be. So he was gutted. He's like, Oh my god, what am I going to do? I want to be your boyfriend. She doesn't want me to be her boyfriend. I'm like, Dude, you sounds like you're already her boyfriend, yes. So don't try to press for the title. Just be the boyfriend. Show up for her when she if she's dating another guy, and she spins out of control. You be the masculine pole that she comes running to, and eventually she's going to realize, Oh, this guy's been my boyfriend all along. And she'll be like, Yes, I'll I want the label, right? So, so relax your nervous system, go back to holding the masculine pole and be her anchor.

Kate Harlow: 00:20:40

I love that, and that's based on her, her behavior, versus the words. Because, yes,

Guy Shahar: 00:20:45

she she says she doesn't want to be the girlfriend. I was like, I've seen you with this woman. I've seen how she connects with you. I've seen how she touches you and rests her head on on your shoulder. You know, maybe she has some sort of commitment issues or issues with the term girlfriend, but she's your girlfriend. Dude. Like, look at her. Look at how she behaves with you. That's your girlfriend. So just hang back. Give her some space, you know, let her, let her be in her feminine flow. But as long as you hold the anchor and the masculine pull in the relationship, you're the one that she's going to gravitate to, because we're magnets. Um, at the end of the day, I

Kate Harlow: 00:21:22

love that, and it allows the relationship to kind of take its organic course, rather than, I think so often people want labels, and there's like a sense of an illusion of security once you have the label, once you and it's like rushing the phases, rather than, this is just the phase that they're in the season. Yes.

Guy Shahar: 00:21:39

And usually women are guilty of being the too early labeler, and then men run away and this, you know, but every situation is different, but, but just as an example to you, women like these are the kind of nuanced conversations we have about how to show up for you, how to hold space for you, how to make sure that you're happy, how to how to fucking love you through all of your triggers and defense mechanisms that you put up there, and we're just like, we just want to love you. And you put up, like, 25,000 hurdles and obstacles, and if you put up, if you put up too many of them, then men are just like, You know what? I'm I'm going to go elsewhere, like, like, I'm working so hard here and relying on the on the support of my friends to show up as best as I can as a man. And it's like, if a woman's throwing out a lot of obstacles and and sabotage and all that stuff, then the men aren't gonna hang around. And then when that man leaves, you're gonna be like, See, that wasn't a good man. He didn't, he didn't stay. He didn't stay. For me, he didn't, he didn't, you know, hold, hold his own. It's like, well, that's, that's, you know, that's asking a lot. I think, right now,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:42

I think it's a self fulfilling prophecy. It's like you are creating the thing that you're then holding men. You're holding it against men. But actually, it was all your defenses that got in the way. So do the work on your patterns. And then my question to you is, so what it for men in relationships so they want us to be happy. What does that look like? And what would you say is is, obviously joining your relationship program is a key for women learning how to be in healthy relationships. But what are some other tips that you would give women on how to understand themselves better to be able to receive that love, because I think it's a receiving issue. A lot of women aren't able to actually receive the thing they say they want.

Guy Shahar: 00:23:31

Well, I mean, part of it is the inner work that you have to do as a woman. And it starts with firstly, just believing that men actually want to make you happy. Because if that's if that's something that's hard for you to believe, then there's a lot of work ahead of you. Because I could tell you it's true, like there's no there's no you when you act a certain way, you can bring out an asshole in any man. But our default state is not, how do I be mean to this woman? Right? Our default state is we want you to be happy, because if you're our partner. Let me give you an example, if you're our partner. So we were, we were arriving in Mexico after a very long flight, and we were checking into the hotel. And as I'm checking into the hotel, my girlfriend is standing next to me, and she looks unhappy because she had a headache on the flight. She wasn't feeling well, but she looked unhappy. So because she looked unhappy, I didn't feel very good. You know, I didn't feel very good. And and when you walk into a place, an establishment, with a woman as a couple, and your woman is unhappy, everybody notices. Everybody notices. And men feel this. Okay, so men feel this. We walk into a restaurant with a woman who's like this, and we feel like losers. We feel like, oh my god, I can't even keep a woman happy. Everybody here is going to look at me and be like, Why? Why is that woman even with that man? He's not bringing anything into her life, because she looks upset, and that's just, that's just how it looks on the outside, like, you know, we'd had a really rough flight, and she had a headache, you know. So, so she's not smiling. So, so practical tip if you want to get more men, and I'll give you this piece of advice only under the condition that it will not be held against me, because this piece of advice is what I have. So I can tell you what I found to be true, or I can give you politically correct answers, but you have to choose which one you want. Like do you want the brutal truth in which case I will give it to you. You don't have to believe it if you don't want but I don't want you to hold it against me. Or I can give you the politically correct answer that you can never hold against me because it's political. Which way do you want to go? Kate, the

Unknown: 00:25:45

brutal truth podcast, the new truth. Okay, are you sure? Are you sure? Are you 100% sure? That's

Kate Harlow: 00:25:51

my jam. Brutal. Okay,

Guy Shahar: 00:25:53

let's get I just I'm declaring immunity here on behalf of

Kate Harlow: 00:25:57

all the women listening to the new truth podcast.

Guy Shahar: 00:26:01

Okay, so here's the deal, okay, so biggest piece of advice, okay, ready for this? Smile more. That's it, if you smile like so. So I have a metric that I use with my partner, called smiles per day. Smiles per day. Are you giving your man enough smiles per day? I'll tell you why, so I can tell you something I noticed within myself when my partner needs something and she makes a request, and her face is like this, you know, guy, I really need you to do more of this, or I would like for you to take out the trash. And she her face looks like it's a complaint. My gut reaction is like, why should I do anything for you? I don't want to do anything for you. Or my reaction is like, oh my god, she's asking for something again. Oh my god, right. But if she says the very same thing to me, but she's smiling, you know, guy really would like for you to take out the trash. I'm like, Okay, no problem.

Kate Harlow: 00:26:59

No problem. It's like one version, she's your mom and your teenager, and you're like, fuck, No, Mom, I'm not taking out the trash. And then the other hand, she's your your radiant woman that's inviting. The energy just feels like closed and and demanding versus inviting. Yeah, 100%

Guy Shahar: 00:27:18

and she doesn't even need to change the tone of her voice, she just needs to change what her face is doing. Isn't that fascinating? So what, what I've noticed over time in the couples that I'm coaching in the singles that I talk to, is that, you know, this really has a big impact. Like, if you're going out on a date and you're smiling a lot. That's going to make that man feel good, that's going to make him look good, that's going to make him feel like he looks good around the other people that are that are there, right? And and he's going to want to see you more because you're happy and you're smiling, you know? I mean, think about it. Would you want to go out with someone who, the whole time during the date look, had their resting bitch face on, and was like, yeah. Or do you want to go out with someone who's, like, passionate and like, let me tell you about how I went kite surfing and how much I enjoyed it, and they're smiling all the time, you know? Yeah, it's

Kate Harlow: 00:28:13

like, aliveness is the most attractive thing. And someone who's dead pan dead inside that, of course, that's not attractive. Yeah, wow, it and it seems so simple. And I was just thinking, like, so for whoever's listening, like, are you doing things in your life that may that bring you joy? Because also, the fairy tale story sets us up to try and get it from the relationship, as opposed to bring it into the relationship. Like, if you already have a life that lights you up and you have you do things in your life that bring you joy and that open your heart, then you get to bring that energy into your relationship, and that's going to be overflow for the relationship, rather than if you're depleted and empty and hate your life. Meet some guy feel amazing in the beginning because you're he's sparking that joy, but then eventually he's not going to spark that joy. You're going to go back to feeling what's underneath, and you're going to look to try and get it from him, which is never going to work. It's like taking out the trash or trying to get you to the man to make you happy. It's not it's it's never going to work. And so it feels like they like taking responsibility for the the the underlying joy that you have in your life. So you can bring that in, and then you get to be that woman in the relationship, and you get to spark that in the man. It makes so much sense. I think every boyfriend I've ever had that when I'm when I'm not when I'm sparkly, they're like, Oh, you're so sparkly right now. You're and that there's like the I can see them relax. I remember my seven year partner, and when I lived in Vancouver, he would every time I because at the time, I was going through a really anxious time in my life. I was newly starting my business and had quit my job, and there was all this, these things going and also living in a place that wasn't really aligned. Me and and so I had a lot of underlying angst and so, but every time I had that sparkle and that joy, I could see his whole system relax and he wanted to do more things with me and for me. And was he showed up so much more in those times,

Guy Shahar: 00:30:19

100% 100% I think that's, I think that's 100% on key. You know, I even have a thing now that when, when my girlfriend makes a request, if she's not smiling, I bring that to her attention. And we have a phrase, and I say Maya, emergency smile, emergency smile, and she smiles. And I'm like, okay, I can listen now, tell me what you need, right? Like, it's so funny. So, yeah, so we have it, we have it down as actually a metric. Like, how many smiles per day are you giving your man? It sounds ridiculous, and you it's so funny to me because, like, like, like, like, asking someone to smile more is the classic sexual harassment line. Like my boss says that I need to smile more. It's like, you're that's how you define sexual harassment in the workplace. But it's like, but when you smile more, like it literally changes everything. It's so funny how our all these cultural memes about us have that little bit of truth. And what it is that men are sort of looking for from women, it's like we just want you to be happy, and the smile is the indicator that that whatever it is is that you're happy. Because when you're unhappy, where we go to is, oh, she's unhappy. What did I do to cause this? Like we always feel like we're the cause shit. My woman's unhappy, I'm a failure as a man. What do I do to fix it? Right? Even if it's not about us, like my girlfriend had a headache, not about me, but but we feel responsible for it. If we're your partner, we feel responsible for your happiness. So when you're unhappy, that makes us feel like, wow, we're doing some we are fucking up right now, your your unhappiness is a complaint, and I think that when women understand that, and and again, your your happiness is can be interpreted from your facial expression. So, right? That's why that wrestling bitch face term actually is a term, right? So if you're saying everything that you're doing and you're doing it with a smile, that can dramatically change how people are interacting with you, especially men in a romantic context,

Kate Harlow: 00:32:33

yeah, it feels like they feel like they're winning on some level, I imagine, yes,

Guy Shahar: 00:32:37

and we want to win with you. We want to win with you, course,

Kate Harlow: 00:32:40

of course. So I'm curious about because I when I think about men are, I actually don't even think I read men are from ours, women are from Venus. But I say it a lot because it's, it's, couldn't be more true that we're, we're, we're wired so differently. But when I think about women and our hormonal cycles and our emotions, and men trying to understand women's emotions. Do you have any like, what would you how would you work with your female clients around that, like, bringing emotions to her man or or how much to bring or how much of that part of herself to share with him?

Guy Shahar: 00:33:16

I mean, so. So there's many layers to answer this question. On a fundamental layer, like we want all of you. We want all of you that said, you know, not very many men are skilled in handling some of your emotions, part of that is because we haven't had as much experience in relationship, because the relationships are shorter right now, and people ghost on each other, so you don't this is why we created the relationship experiment. It's like, it's like, you start a tango with someone, and you take a step and you misstep, and they're like, I'm out of here. It's like, but, but we just started, we're trying to learn how to Tango so you don't have the opportunity to go back and forth with someone. Actually create a relationship bond where you're you're getting to know each other and trying to do that dance like people don't stay in the dance long enough so you don't develop the skills. That's why we created the program where you can commit to a relationship for seven days, and you get to have several steps and learn, whereas in another situation, people bounce at the first misstep, which is usually the first step, right? So, I ghost thing is the thing. So, so, so there's that, there's that lack of opportunity to experience that every man is in a different stage of his growth, and we don't have training for men on how to be this way. So men can get tripped up by your words, and then when you're when the emotional charge of your emotions come, it can, it could sweep us off our feet like a big ocean wave, right? So we don't have training for men or training for women. And again, this is part of why we created this practice training ground. So, so there's that, but also. There is like, Well, where are you in your relationship? If it's day one, it's probably not appropriate to throw all your emotional charge on a man. Is probably not appropriate to do that ever, except in very, very rare circumstances with a very anchored partner. But, but it's like also, where are you in your relationship with this man? What have you given and invested in this relationship? You know, before you can, before you can do that, and can this man hold you? And the interesting thing is that you know, like, if you're going to start the relationship from a point of like this man. You know, some women go and they're like this man has to prove to me before I open up to him, it's like you're dead in the water, like there's, there's, you're not going to be attracting you're going to be attracting men that are okay with that. And No self respecting man would be okay with that attitude. Most of the women want to date, like the top 20% of men, and that means that the top 20% of men, the great men, have lots of options. So if a great man is walking down the street and he sees 10 women with this sour face that seem unhappy, and they hate men, and they've been overly masculinized, and they've made it in a man's world, but that the cost, great cost of their femininity. And then he sees one woman who's feminine and beautiful and smiling. Who do you think he's going to want to go out with? I mean, like he's not looking for an over masculinized woman. That's competition, like that's he works. He works with men like that all day, and competes with them for status and for for money and for job advancement. When he comes home, he wants a feminine woman, if, if that's the kind of guy that you want, you want the top 20% of men, the men that are successful and develop their their businesses or their wealth or the whatever there is in there and they're successful in the world, they're not looking for another man as their partner, right? That's not going to create polarity that's going to create if you find yourself in competition with a man, you're in the wrong polarity that is either not the man for you, or you are not showing up in your feminine and that is one of the reasons that men leave their women become overly masculinized. They stop trusting the man to hold space, or they try to do it themselves, and and the man will look elsewhere, or, or he'll leave, or he'll cheat, if, if leaving is a challenge, because you've got kids and, you know, like, like, but he'll, he'll go elsewhere for that feminine fulfillment that men crave. So and So,

Kate Harlow: 00:37:35

what would be the fact, if you were to describe what a feminine woman is to you and a masculine man. How would you describe that?

Guy Shahar: 00:37:45

Well, I mean, that's a good question. I um, you know it, it really is a, you know, how much time do you have? This is because this is the question, right? Yeah, yeah. And I'm, I'm trying to figure out, like, where, sort of the starting point is, based on everything that we've discussed so far. Because if you are someone that that hates men, because that's what you've been taught or and has had enough negative experiences to to verify that and codify that for you and make that a firm belief. Then, then there's a lot of other things that you have to to deal with and unravel if you want to have an open hearted relationship, where you can be in your feminine with a man. I would say at its core, a feminine woman is actually a woman who inspires a man to greatness. It is a woman who inspires a man to be more firmly in his masculine it is a woman who inspires a man to provide for her and for their eventual family, right? Because and you do that with your trust, right? I remember I was working with a client, once with a female client, and I was helping her to get over some of her abuse and her trauma around men. And at one point she says to me, I I have to stop. I can't I don't trust you. I don't trust you. And I was like, whoa. Like, like, let's. I haven't heard a woman say that to me in many, years and, and when she said that, I kind of kind of took her back, and I was like, she says she doesn't, like, Did I do something wrong? And I'm kind of reviewing all my actions and my interaction with her, and I'm like, Did I do something wrong, or was there a place where I misstepped, like, like, do, do I have bad intentions here or? And I was like, asking myself these questions, like, what's going on? And I was like, No, I'm showing up from a loving place. I'm I'm being loving towards this woman. No, I haven't. I haven't done any I haven't been out of integrity and and I'm checking into myself. Like, where is it possible that I could have done something to make her not trust me? And I was like, and I was like, No, I haven't done anything here. And these words came out of my mouth, and I said, Okay, you you say that you can't trust me. And I asked her, is that because you feel that I'm untrustworthy, or is it because you can't trust and she looked at me and she said, guy, I can't trust. So for us, we always assume, what did I do to make this woman react this way? And I think that for some women, it's like, no, it's not anything this man did. I can't trust, right? So I would start there, and one of the ways that you build trust as a woman is you start to learn to trust yourself. And one of the ways that we guide women into doing that is by being in their feminine doing things that are restorative and self caring to them, doing self pleasure, really getting in touch with your body. You want to be in a place where you trust a man to touch your body, you have to trust your body first. You have to touch your body, you know. So I it's no secret I talk about this. I've had sexual abuse and physical abuse trauma in my history, and I never wanted a woman to touch my body in our bedroom. Interactions, I was always the giver, and if a woman tried to touch me that made me uncomfortable, I would skillfully redirect her hand and like, like, I would very smoothly transition it to, I'm the giver. You're the receiver. Because I couldn't be touched. I just I didn't like different types of touch. You have to touch me in a certain way for me to feel. I'm just so much more comfortable in the giving role. So anytime that would happen in the bedroom, I would kind of subtly shift the focus back on, I'm giving to you, right? So on one way that's great, because that made me a great giver. And then, you know, women appreciated that. But what I did was, is I started to really do my inner work and get in touch with my body and learn to trust my body. And, you know, through Tantra, through all these different practices, through breathing, through meditation, through really tuning in and listening to the body and going inward, and I got to a place where I trusted my own body, and I got to a place where I could communicate. Here are the places that it's okay to touch me. Here are the places that it's not okay to touch me. I like this type of touch, but not that type of touch. And I would communicate that to my lovers. And I got so comfortable with my body that I could even be with with women and not communicate those things and and just, and I started to experiment, like, Okay, I don't like, I don't like being touched on my nipples. And I said, and I said, Well, if she touches my nipples, let me just see how that feels. And I started to get a little bit more comfortable with it. So, so when I when I'm with women, now, I say, you know, I used to not like my nipples being touched, like, don't, don't zero in on that area and spend all your time there, but a little bit here and there is okay. I'm leaning into that. Like, I got so comfortable with my body that I that in in the eight bedroom context, for sure that I was like, You know what? Now I can let a woman touch me, and I can actually receive her touch. If there is something I really don't like, I can make an ask for an adjustment. I'm good at communicating that as well, and learning these communication skills is a huge touch point for it. But you can't learn what you want until you start to touch your own body. Like, you have to know what feels good and why. I don't like this, and I like this, and I like to be touched this way, in that way. And then once you know that, you need to learn the skills to communicate that, and once you have all that, it's easy to trust someone like, like, I trust women to touch my body. I trust myself to communicate if it gets really uncomfortable, I'm also a teacher, so when things are uncomfortable, I'm usually like, well, let me brief through it for the next few minutes. Maybe there's some pleasure here. Maybe I'm not sensitive right now in this area, and it's okay to touch me and and I give it the sort of five second, you know, whatever, sometimes a little longer. And if it's really uncomfortable, I'll say something that that's kind of an advanced game, not for somebody who's just starting, but I've gotten that level of facility with it because I trust my body. So yes,

Kate Harlow: 00:44:10

beautiful, I thank you so much for sharing that I imagine that so many women can relate, and that's where so much of the armor comes from, not just the stories and the fantasies and fairy tales and all the bullshit programming around relationships and men in love and dating, but also the physical traumas that we've experienced that I'd say most women and many men have experienced in their lifetime. And partly because nobody gave us tools, nobody taught us how to be in relationship with our body, or how to understand ourselves and how to be in relationship with each other. So, so beautiful, and I boil it down to it's like safeties inside so you built that safe relationship with you, both with knowing your body and knowing knowing the yeses and nos of your body, and then also with using your voice and learning and learning how. To communicate and how to speak your truth. And I, I think that's one of the the greatest gifts of this relationship experiment program, from what I've heard from my clients that have been through it is, is that that we there was no place for us to go to learn how to have hard conversations and how to be vulnerable and how to speak your truth and say no when it's uncomfortable, but not attack the other person or need to put a wall up and guard, but actually just that, you can just ask for what you need and want, and yeah, your safety is inside. So I feel like that is one of the greatest gifts of this relationship experiment that you've created, is that people get to practice that, and they get to learn in a safe place where they're that, where they're guided with coaches and with with teachers and with a structure that supports them to know how to do it. Yeah,

Guy Shahar: 00:45:48

I you know, we just heard from a woman yesterday who was talking about she learned exactly this, and I'd like to read you what she said. This is from her testimonial. She says, one of the things that I humbly admit, that I learned in this program is that I used to think that I was like the most honest person, like you'll never meet a more honest person. And I learned in this program, these are her words. I learned in this program that and I saw in myself that I lie, or at least that I have been up until now kind of a liar, but not in my words. It's in my own mission, especially with men in a dating situation, I lie by holding back. I lie by putting the people pleaser and the being liked and being accepted higher than speaking my truth. And now that I'm aware of it, I can't keep doing it. So that's a big learning. And the other thing I learned is that men really do want to make women happy. It's that's like really a thing, and I love men for that. And men want to hear my truth. And if they are a growth mindset type of man, they actually need to hear it. It's good for them. It's not just good for me to speak. It

Kate Harlow: 00:47:01

beautiful. I love that. It's amazing. Oh my gosh. People pleasers are the biggest liars of all. Everything's fine, but that that is so beautiful, and even the having that visceral experience of of seeing men respond differently, and it's it's so sad. I actually woke up thinking about this conversation today and your work, and thinking about how I think your work should be in schools, like, actually in the school system, where teenagers are put into relational containers, where they learn how to be in imagine this was like a pre read, like a mandatory thing that we learned in school. For the most part. It's like every single industry is built on people having relationships and relating with each other and and of course, romantic relationships is something we've all been taught to have and to want. And of course, there's that biological need for it, and yet we don't know how to do it. It's so powerful. So women want men. I mean, men want women who are happy in themselves. Also, I imagine who, when they share their feelings, they're not sharing from a place of like blame and attack, but sharing from a place of vulnerability and actually sharing what's underneath, whatever the projection or the blame is. Yeah, What? What? What do you believe makes a healthy, lasting relationship with men, besides everything you've talked about before?

Guy Shahar: 00:48:42

Yeah, I think trust and commitment, trust and commitment and being in your feminine, if that's what you want, some women prefer to be in their masculine and they want a feminine man, and that's fine, but I found that the overwhelming majority want a man to be in his masculine, a woman to be in his feminine. If that's what you want, then any work that you can do to be more in your feminine is going to bring, is going to bring all the boys to the yard for your milkshake. You know, we all, all want, want the to drink the the tasty milkshake. And you know, if you're in your feminine and your flow and, you know, and it's hard out there for women, because you've been trained over the past many years that you have to make it in a man's world, and you have to, you know, take on all these masculine qualities. You know, that is the great myth of this stage of feminism that's happening. Like, feminism was great when it started, but then it went, got a little bit carried away and and the reason I say that is because it's become a misnomer. I mean, it's called feminism, but actually what it is is the masculinization of women, which is destroying our society, because, like, you can't have a world. Where it's just all men, you know, it's all masculine, and

Kate Harlow: 00:50:05

women are hurting like every client that I've worked with over the past nine years is deeply hurting in her life because she's strapped on a man suit and joined the corporate world and works her ass off and doesn't honor the cycles and rhythms of her body, and doesn't know how to relax and doesn't know how to rest, and doesn't know how to self pleasure and how to live a pleasurable life like that's actually what our physical like. It's it's our physiology. That's what women need and what our bodies need, because we're cyclical. We're not the same. Men are to have a circadian rhythm. Women have an infradian rhythm. We're not the same and and yet, because we, you know, and the first wave of feminism, in order to shatter glass ceilings and have rights as humans, we did need to strap on Man suits. But now I feel like in this fourth, fifth, sixth wave of feminine feminism, it's about reclaiming what was lost and what we that we throw out the baby with the bathwater and coming back to because the reality is that's what we do want, is to relax and feel and it doesn't mean you're not going to be successful and you're not going to work hard. And I mean, I, my business has been quite successful over the last nine years, and I only do three calls a day, like I my life is designed to also a projector in human design, but my life is designed to create spaciousness. So I'm not pushing Go, go, go, do, do, do, do. And I live in Europe, where people just move slower, but that was part of of of helping that shift, because we're so wrapped up in, you know, influence you live in New York City influenced by the environment around us, and the more people are hustling and bustling and chasing success, and the more we get sucked into that. So men want to be able to make a woman happy. They want to receive. They want to be able to give. They want all of you. I loved that part. They want all of you. They want your feelings. They want the wildness and the quote, unquote craziness, because that's what is makes it interesting, because it's different. So tell us about the more about the relationship experiment. So you've got the relationship experiment. It's about to launch in a few days. This episode's coming out, April 15. So April 20. So we've five days away from the starting date of relationship experiment. Why, as a woman, do I want to be inside of this container? Why do i Besides everything you've already shared?

Guy Shahar: 00:52:34

Mm, hmm. Well, so, yeah. So the 90 day relationship experiment is a container for 90 days with men and women. And there are lessons that you get on polarity. There are experiential exercises so you can try these out with men. There are there is a dedicated dating coach for each participant that's with you for the whole journey. And you get taught tools and lessons and get coaching, and you get partners to actually apply that with and so you'll have at least 12 experimental dates, and you'll have four or more experimental relationships. Yes, I said relationships. The relationships have a set start and end point. Most of those are going to be seven day relationships, and we're going to teach you how to create a relationship with our tools, our relationship, container agreement. You're going to do activities together during the seven days, and at the end of the seven days, you're going to have a breaking upwards, which is a process of, how do I conclude this relationship in a healthy way, so it's not like a breakup, like, oh my god, I'm heartbroken. I hate this person whenever it's a rewiring of breakups. So is, how do we come together, acknowledge each other, acknowledge what we learned? What did I like? What did I not like? What do I want in my next relationship, so that that seven day relationship becomes your stepping stone to your next relationship, or what I like to call who is your right next person right because you have this ultimate person that you want to be with at the end of the the end of the day, and it's like there are who is the right next person that I can learn this thing that I need to do in that one and change This thing in my behavior and la, de da, so that eventually my right next person is the person I ultimately want to be with. So it's this playground and container with a lot of structure and tools and support and dedicated dating coaching, where you actually get to interact with men, and we have a no ghosting policy. So you are committing. I am seven days with this person so that I can actually fucking learn the dance of relationship and not like, oh, this person made a misstep in step number three, and I'm out of here. So both people are committed. I am in it. We're going to work on this. We're going to, you know, we're going to work on this, and actually be a couple for seven days. Days for the purposes of learning, and we're going to be supported by the group, by the coaching team and our dedicated coaches. It's it's like the tantra speed date, which is a two to three minute exercise with a person, but like, imagine that turned into a seven day actual relationships with support structure, school, tools and foundation.

Kate Harlow: 00:55:20

It's amazing. And I love all the nuances, like how we've only learned relationship through the lens of drama and fantasy, and how it's actually just slow and intentional, and even the breaking upwards that like, breakups are typically very dramatic, because that's what we're taught breakups are supposed to be when every as you said, each person is a stepping stone. Each relationship serves a purpose to where you to you learning how to be in relationship, which is always true, except this, this, in this container, you're actually learning with intention and with support and guidance. So Holy this program. Every time I hear of it. I'm like, This literally needs to be everywhere. Have you thought of the school system?

Guy Shahar: 00:56:06

I mean, I'm sure somebody has brought it up. We've had some teachers that have come and and done the program and experienced it. It is definitely something new and different and an exciting and kind of like a bit of a roller coaster ride. And one woman described it. She says, it's like, hello, fresh every week, I got a new guy. And you learn so much about yourself. You learn so much, you know. And it's like, it's like Tantra speed, that you go out with everyone in the room with a two to three minute experience, and you learn from each one of these, or, like, it's like a tango class, right? In a tango class, you have a partner, you learn a step, then you rotate, then there's another partner, you learn a step, and everybody's body is different, and the way you share weight is different. And so this really creates a practice ground to try this all out, and especially work on the polarity aspect, which not enough people are teaching how that works, right? You ask me, How do I become more feminine? It's like, well, you don't, you can't do that by reading a book. Yes, you should do self pleasure, and there are some books that are going to be helpful. But if you're talking about, how do I be feminine in the context of a relationship, well, that's like, you can't learn the tango by watching videos and reading a book. You might learn you're part of the steps. But once you come and do it with a man, and you know Tango is about you lean your weight into the other person and share weight together, right? And the man leads and the woman follows. That that's a container as well. So we have created a container where you can practice this leaning thing in the art of relating and and one of the aspects of it is we do men's coaching and women's coaching kind of separately. So, so the men can come and say, you know, you know, like, I want to, you know, I'm she says she wants this, and how do I show up with her? And we, we coach the men and, oh, here's what you need to do, and here's what's actually happening. Because as the dating coaches, we're seeing all the participants, so we can give more sort of bird's eye view in each relationship. So, so sometimes you're in an interaction and you're like, Well, I don't know, was it me or was it him? It's like, well, in this container, we know, because we know you both. We're like, oh yeah, this person and that, you know, like, so, so it's really helpful in that context, which would be different than, like, let's say, just getting a dating coach on your own who doesn't know the other people that you're dating, right? So it's, it's and, you know, like, so here it's like, you, you there's no, you can't lie about what happened in a relationship. Because, like, we're there, like, when we hear from both sides, and we're coaching both sides, and we know what everybody's patterns are. And it's a really, it's really, if you want to grow and you want to learn how to be in your feminine or in your masculine, if you're a man, your audience is women, and you want that experience with men that actually want to provide that for you, this could be a really helpful and healing container. Yeah,

Kate Harlow: 00:59:04

so beautiful. And you have a you have a witness to all your witness to all your blind spots. And I just think, like most people, get so nervous dating, and I feel like being inside of this container will allow you to get so comfortable just relating and connecting and and then going through all the nuances of of meeting people and getting to know them and and that it'll take that out like I just imagine the soup, the superpower that your clients have now when they go out there to Bumble or hinge or whatever, And they're meeting people on there and bringing such a conscious, intentional version of themselves dating you'll stand out amongst everyone else. Yeah. I mean, honestly, I think this is a program that everyone needs to take, and it's been so beautiful to witness the women that have worked with me, come work with you, and. Take this program and how much it's completely changed, their beliefs about men, their beliefs about what's possible, their beliefs about their own lovability, and them learning how to receive and everything. It's just been really incredible to witness. So thank you for sharing all that. Do you have any final, final things that you or final thing that you want women to know about men that you haven't already shared.

Guy Shahar: 01:00:27

Well, I mean, as far as the relationship experiment, to what you just said, one of the benefits is that these are practice relationships, right? So the we what we've done is we've lowered the like, if things don't work out, it's not like, oh my god, I lost my possible future husband. Like, these are practice relationships where we lower the risk so you and that makes you more comfortable to be yourself and learn the tool, like you have a safe practice environment, so that, yes, it's like a superpower. When you go out and you're dating someone and you're like, maybe more attached to the outcome, or it's someone you're really, really into like, you don't have the same level of nervousness because you have the tools to fall back on. You have the practice that you got in the container, in your practice relationships, and it really helps you settle a little bit more. And when you're going out with a man and he feels your nervous system is settled in that experience, that's going to lead to more authenticity in that relationship and more comfort and ease in navigating dating for you. And in that comfort and ease, guess what, you'll have less of your guard up, and so you'll be able to be more feminine, right? So you need, you need the place where you can practice, and you know, like any kind of sport or martial arts, you need to practice where you're not in a real fight and your life isn't on the line. It's practice, right? And you can learn the skills, and then when you do get into a fight, you can defend yourself. It's that same principle. So,

Kate Harlow: 01:01:54

so yeah, an honest reflection too, I imagine, because I imagine the men too, would share, like, it is there a debriefing after the relationship?

Guy Shahar: 01:02:02

Yeah, there. So there is feedback and and there's feedback that your partner gives you, there's feedback that you get from the coaches. You can even ask for additional feedback. And when you're getting into these relationships, you share, what your intention is. You share. Okay, in this relationship, what I want to work on is people pleasing. I notice I do that all the time. I want this relationship to be different. And then your partner will ally with you and say, okay, you know, how are we going to work on this people pleasing? What are the activities that we're going to do? And both of you will share your intentions and support each other in that, so that when the relationship comes to a conclusion, then you look back and say, Okay, well, how well did the relationship serve my intentions? Like, did I improve in this area of people pleasing? And the beauty of that is that, like, you're declaring that as an intention, so now the coaches can support you. Okay, you wanted to work on your people pleasing. Did you try the things we talked about in the last coaching session? How did that go? What did you learn? Right? Which led to testimonials like the one that I that I just shared, because you have a place to practice it, right? Yeah, so it's

Kate Harlow: 01:03:06

epic. Really, you've created just It's unbelievable. I hope it eventually goes all over the world. It's just absolutely brilliant. Thank you so much for sharing. We will link it below your program, below and website and everything below this episode, anywhere you want to send people, website, like say it out loud, it'll also be linked below the episode. But website, Instagram,

Guy Shahar: 01:03:30

you can find all of our content on our website, tantra ny.com, and you'll find information about the relationship, experiment, tantra speed data, online courses. There's a lot of good, valuable content there and and you want to subscribe because we send special bonuses to people that are on our newsletter.

Kate Harlow: 01:03:49

Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing all your magic and brilliance with us again today. And yeah, well, I'm sure we'll do this again one day, but I'm so excited to hear how this episode lands, and it just I feel like I learned more about men today too. So thank you. And as always, share this episode with all the women who you know are man hating right now that need to hear this message, and we'd love to hear from you let us know how it landed, and check out the Tantra, tantra ny.com Yeah, all the programs are okay. See you soon. Bye.