Episode 38
What the Fairytale Didn’t Consider
In this episode, Kate dismantles one of the greatest myths women have been taught to believe: that the fairytale will save us.
She explores…
- Why so many women feel confused, ashamed, or “behind” when life doesn’t look the way they were promised.
- Why breakups, divorce, and major life transitions often feel like personal failures even when they’re actually massive openings.
- The danger of believing that “happily ever after” is a destination that we can reach.
If you are ready to experience real, expanded, growth based love - this episode is for you. And share it with all your fantasy addict friends!
About the Host:
Kate Harlow is the founder of The Unscriptd Woman, the creator of The Expanded Love Coaching Method, and host of The New Truth podcast - ranked in the top 1.5% globally. With over 15 years of experience teaching, coaching and facilitating transformational retreats worldwide, Kate has helped hundreds of thousands of women break free from outdated relational patterns, old patriarchal ways of thinking and unspoken rules to live by.
Her infallible methods guide women to release the deeply ingrained scripts that keep them stuck- empowering women to step into their highest, most magnetic, and fully expressed selves. Through her coaching, retreats, podcast and upcoming book The Unscriptd Woman, Kate is redefining what it means to be an empowered woman in today's world, showing women how to stop waiting for permission and start creating a life and love that aligns with their deepest truth.
Known for her rare ability to see exactly where women are out of alignment with themselves, Kate offers a path back to unwavering self- trust, meaningful joy and true fulfillment. Her work is a revolution - one that liberates women from societal expectations and invites them into a life of radical authenticity, thriving relationships and unshakable self-worth.
Website: https://www.theunscriptdwoman.com/
The Immersion in Corfu, Greece April 26- May 3, 2026 https://www.theunscriptdwoman.com/the-immersion
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Transcript
Either you're dating from your saboteur and your little girl, which means you're
Speaker:going to be compatible with someone else's saboteur. You are dating from
Speaker:the sovereign woman, from the heroine, and then you are going to be
Speaker:compatible with someone who's also sovereign, a sovereign king,
Speaker:I would like to call it. So it's not that love doesn't
Speaker:exist and you have to give up on love. In fact, I believe the love
Speaker:you'll experience is far greater than, than any love you
Speaker:could fathom. But here's the difference. When you are in your
Speaker:heroine, when you are in your sovereign woman, you will
Speaker:attract a partner who meets you with the woman that you
Speaker:are and where you're coming from in yourself. So I think of
Speaker:the men that I meet now in my life match the
Speaker:heroine that I am, not my saboteur. Hello,
Speaker:beautiful Kate Harlow here. Welcome back to the New Truth
Speaker:podcast. And if you are new, this
Speaker:topic, the Fairy tale. It's been a while since
Speaker:I've gone directly. I don't even know if I've done anything about
Speaker:the fairy tale in season three, but it feels like time.
Speaker:I just finished the starting over weekend and you
Speaker:know, of course, Catherine and I started. Those of you who've been around for a
Speaker:long time know that Katherine and I started the New Truth because
Speaker:we kept seeing over and over again women breaking their own hearts
Speaker:based on this attachment to the fairy tale love story of
Speaker:what love is supposed to look like and how, how
Speaker:totally disillusioned women are and have been because of
Speaker:this story that we were raised on as little girls. And of course,
Speaker:when we're little children, I talk about this often. Dr. Bruce Lipson,
Speaker:Dr. Bruce Lipton speaks of how our brains are in
Speaker:a hypnotic state from age 0 to 7, which is why children
Speaker:learn so quickly. So they're little sponges just
Speaker:soaking up absolutely everything they see. Monkey see,
Speaker:monkey do. And that's how they, that's how the brain develops. And if
Speaker:you, if we're watching, you know, Disney, okay, Disney's come a long way in
Speaker:the modern world. But when I was growing up, I was watching the Little
Speaker:Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin
Speaker:and, you know, all, every single Disney story was a love
Speaker:story, Rapunzel. And it was of a princess
Speaker:waiting Snow White. So I'm like, they're all coming back to me now.
Speaker:Princess waiting to be rescued by a prince. And this is, we were
Speaker:watching the, like, I was watching these when I was two years old, three years
Speaker:old. So the brain's developing, and that's how we're
Speaker:learning what love and relationship is. And it. And it
Speaker:sets in. And then, of course, as we get older, we watch other shows and
Speaker:movies and songs, and everything feeds the same
Speaker:story. So the reason I felt inspired to talk about this
Speaker:today is because I just finished a weekend workshop that I've been
Speaker:talking about the last couple of weeks called stream. Starting over for women going through
Speaker:breakup, divorce, big transition. And one of the
Speaker:women in the group was talking about how she feels this
Speaker:pressure. I think she's in her early
Speaker:30s and she said all her friends are getting married and
Speaker:she's feeling this pressure. And I hear this so often. You know, it's
Speaker:really rare when I attract a woman who hasn't already
Speaker:checked the boxes and headed for, you know, divorce or isn't
Speaker:already divorced. Usually they're still in
Speaker:the fantasy fairy tale thinking on some level.
Speaker:And, you know, I think it really affects all women, like, even women who've
Speaker:shut off from love because they think, you know, it's all
Speaker:bullshit. But then someone comes along that.
Speaker:That entices them and they feel this feeling, and all of a sudden there's this
Speaker:pressure and this. This expectation, this
Speaker:desire for things to move quickly, to be swept off our feet, for them to
Speaker:show up in a certain way. And so I hon.
Speaker:The conditioning and the programming of the fairy tale affects all of us, I don't
Speaker:think. And I say all of us. If you've done a lot of
Speaker:deprogramming like I have, then maybe you're a little bit less
Speaker:susceptible to it. But I've been doing 20 years of deprogramming over
Speaker:here, so I think we kind of have. Have to have these conversations
Speaker:over and over and over again. Because really, the messaging of
Speaker:love being big and fast and furious and hot and cold,
Speaker:and he loves me, he doesn't love me. You know, all this
Speaker:intensity that we are sol. Um, And. And.
Speaker:And that idea that we're just gonna find the guy and
Speaker:then everything, then we live happily ever after. Like, literally, that was
Speaker:our programming. That was the mantra. And then they
Speaker:lived happily ever after. And even
Speaker:weddings mimic a fairy tale when you think about it.
Speaker:Like how over the top are weddings? And why.
Speaker:Have you ever thought about why are weddings so over the top?
Speaker:Why? In the modern world, I think people spend on average
Speaker:like tens of thousands of do, if not over a hundred thousand
Speaker:dollars, some people even more on a wedding. But have you
Speaker:ever stopped to ask yourself why? Like, why is.
Speaker:Why. Why do we do that? Where Is that actually coming from
Speaker:so often in the human experience, we just do what we're told
Speaker:to do. We do what everyone else is doing.
Speaker:Okay, So I remember being that age and feeling the pressure to
Speaker:get married and feeling the pressure like it was around 20 for me.
Speaker:27, 28, 29 when all of my friends in my circle got
Speaker:married. I was a bridesmaid 11 times. And
Speaker:I was in a relationship at the time, a five year relationship. And I remember
Speaker:us talking about our wedding. Every time I would gather with my
Speaker:girlfriends, they'd ask me, so when is it your turn? When is it your turn?
Speaker:Like, it's just this, like, expected thing even that. How
Speaker:crazy is that that we expect everyone to
Speaker:get married for one. How crazy is it that we expect
Speaker:people in their 20s and 30s to get
Speaker:married when you don't even know who you are? Like,
Speaker:so young and, you know, the world is so different. And here we are
Speaker:in 2020, almost 6
Speaker:cars can drive themselves. Technology is so advanced,
Speaker:and still we think there's only one option for,
Speaker:for our romantic lives that, that we're supposed to, at a
Speaker:very young age, meet someone and it's just going to
Speaker:click and they're going to be the one and they're going to be this grandiose
Speaker:person and it's going to be this extraordinary love, and then
Speaker:that's it, we're good. You get married and then you have some kids, you
Speaker:know, you, you build a life. But like, that's it.
Speaker:There is, there are so many flaws to this story. And it,
Speaker:it baffles me that there's not a lot of
Speaker:people even talking about this and that we're
Speaker:still so programmed to follow
Speaker:this path. And I just want to say, like, none
Speaker:of, none of this episode is to put down marriage or to say
Speaker:that it's not ever a good idea or that it's a
Speaker:horrible thing. It's not about the marriage, it's not about the wedding.
Speaker:But everything that I talk about with my clients and
Speaker:everything that we're working on is unpacking.
Speaker:What part of you is choosing this? Where is it coming
Speaker:from? Is this choice rooted in
Speaker:fear? And I would say for most women, it is.
Speaker:So let's go back to the title, what the Fairy Tale Didn't Consider. And I
Speaker:have three things that I want to talk about. The first
Speaker:thing the fairy tale didn't consider is you.
Speaker:I mean, I would say the first and most important thing is you.
Speaker:Like, nowhere in your
Speaker:upbringing, unless you had a super enlightened parent,
Speaker:you Know, I think maybe that's possible nowadays. But
Speaker:for the most part, those of you that are listening, nowhere did
Speaker:somebody sit us down and say, it's time to
Speaker:get to know your own soul. You've graduated high school, you've graduated
Speaker:college, whatever. You know, you're at this age where you're going out
Speaker:to explore the world. It's time to explore your
Speaker:own soul. It's time to get to know the magic
Speaker:of who you are. It's time to fall in love with your essence and your
Speaker:gifts and the world and create a life that
Speaker:lights your heart on fire. Can you imagine, like, if
Speaker:that was what we got sat down and talked about?
Speaker:I mean, most people's parents aren't even pressuring them to get married. Some
Speaker:are, but most people probably aren't.
Speaker:And yet still we have this internalized
Speaker:pressure, especially women in their 20s and
Speaker:early 30s. I remember having it and I, and I was lying
Speaker:through my teeth. Did I love my boyfriend? Yes. Did I
Speaker:want to get married? No. But I, I, I, I
Speaker:didn't not want to. Like, I didn't know who I was. I remember
Speaker:just feeling kind of sick when my friends would ask me
Speaker:that question. And what I think is the most
Speaker:wild thing about it is that how, how,
Speaker:how, how, how, how do we decide
Speaker:that? Be
Speaker:married before we even have
Speaker:an extraordinarily healthy relationship. And
Speaker:without the three things I'm talking about today, I don't think you
Speaker:can have an extraordinary healthy relationship.
Speaker:So the fairy tale didn't consider you. Let's come back
Speaker:to that. So there's no conversation
Speaker:about getting to know who you are, getting to understand the
Speaker:core of who you are, getting to understand the difference between your soul
Speaker:and the wound. Wounded little girl. And when the wounded
Speaker:little girl is in charge, which we all have one,
Speaker:she's the one that gets hooked in. She's the one that wants the
Speaker:next text message, the next day. That's anxious. Avoidance style is
Speaker:a child. An avoidant
Speaker:style is a teenager.
Speaker:Both of them are wounded, younger,
Speaker:fragmented parts of you and most
Speaker:women and men, I would say, but I'm speaking mostly to women here.
Speaker:Most women have that part of them choosing their relational
Speaker:partner, choosing how fast the
Speaker:relationship goes, choosing what they want even
Speaker:before they attract a partner. That story of like, I just want to meet him,
Speaker:where is he? It's like, how do you even know that's what you need?
Speaker:One of the things we talked about on the starting over
Speaker:weekend is, you know, even this idea of manifesting,
Speaker:like, I think so many People's saboteurs are manifesting. They're like, I'm
Speaker:gonna manifest love. I'm gonna manifest this thing. Like,
Speaker:what if we really boil down again to where is that coming
Speaker:from? For most people, it's coming from fear, right? It's coming from control.
Speaker:I'm gonna use the universe. I'm gonna
Speaker:control my reality. So I have the thing that I think that I want.
Speaker:But my love, the thing that you're actually meant to
Speaker:experience is far greater than the thing that you think that
Speaker:you want. Because everything we think we want
Speaker:and everything we think we are is the
Speaker:program. Literally your whole entire
Speaker:life, there has been a computer program that's just been
Speaker:added to your whole life that this is who you
Speaker:are, that this is what you're supposed to want, that this is who you're supposed
Speaker:to be, that this is how women are, that this is like, you have
Speaker:been deeply programmed, like a robot, to be a certain
Speaker:way in life. Which is why, to me, it's such a flag when someone
Speaker:says, I just want a relationship. Okay? If we dig
Speaker:down deep enough. Why do you want a relationship? Is it because you feel lonely
Speaker:or alone and you think that's going to negate that? That's going to
Speaker:cancel out that feeling? Because I promise you, it won't. Wherever you go,
Speaker:there you are. Right. I know a lot of married women who
Speaker:actually feel lonelier than the single women
Speaker:who at least have freedom. Right? So, like,
Speaker:am I wanting this thing to make me feel better?
Speaker:Right. Is there a part of me trying. It's like having a glass of wine
Speaker:because you feel anxious or socially awkward or
Speaker:overwhelmed and stressed. It's like, am I having this wine to make me
Speaker:feel better, or am I actually genuinely connected to the
Speaker:sensual, pleasurable experience of this glass of wine that pairs with
Speaker:this meal? There's a big difference. Yes. One is
Speaker:a heroin experience, really? And the other is, is your
Speaker:wound taking the wheel and your saboteur coming up with a
Speaker:strategy to try and numb pain. And we do that
Speaker:with the fairy tale story. Now, if you
Speaker:haven't gotten to know your own soul, which obviously the new Truth
Speaker:podcast is all about that. I was like, we have, like,
Speaker:300, and I should find out how many episodes were in season three. So I
Speaker:don't know how many episodes. I still say we. I feel like Catherine's always
Speaker:my. She's here in spirit. Not that she's. She's still here on
Speaker:planet Earth, but she's no longer on the podcast,
Speaker:but she's always a Part of it, to me, it's our. It's still ours in
Speaker:my heart. But, you know, obviously the new truth
Speaker:is all about getting to know your own soul. So if you are new to
Speaker:the new truth or you're like, but how. I mean, go back and
Speaker:explore some episodes. Come with me on a heroin journey. This is
Speaker:what I do with women, is help them break free from all these scripted stories
Speaker:of what we think is going to make us happy and feel better versus actually
Speaker:waking up those repressed parts of you so you can have a life that you
Speaker:love and you can feel amazing in your skin and connected
Speaker:to who you really are. Like, that's what's available. But the
Speaker:fairy tale doesn't consider you. We watch a little girl
Speaker:in a tower. A little girl lost in a castle.
Speaker:Rest. Rescued by her captor. Her captor. The, the,
Speaker:the beast. Beauty and the Beast. We see a little girl in
Speaker:a coma and the prince saves her by,
Speaker:you know, it's always a, A, a girl being saved and
Speaker:she's a princess, which means she's a girl, right? In all of
Speaker:these stories, this is a girl. And the girl is waiting
Speaker:for the prince to come along and rescue her, for the prince to come along
Speaker:and make her feel beautiful and chosen amongst all
Speaker:the other women for the prince to make her feel worthy and
Speaker:lovable. And then they live happily ever after.
Speaker:So nowhere in that story is there anything to do with
Speaker:getting to know you. And if you are
Speaker:getting into a relationship from that place, you
Speaker:100% are getting into a saboteur relationship.
Speaker:And you know, we, we can easily look around on
Speaker:Instagram or you can look around to your friends and family and think that
Speaker:so many people around you have the most amazing love. Actually, I'll tell a story.
Speaker:This even happened to me a few years ago. I
Speaker:had this couple that this woman I knew and I had met
Speaker:her partner a few times and they ended up getting married and they
Speaker:had such a beautiful relationship and they. From the outside and they were both
Speaker:really spiritual and they did all these amazing things together. And I
Speaker:saw their posts and I was so, so sparked by them
Speaker:that there was so much energy in the photos. And both of them
Speaker:had really beautiful energy when I met them in person.
Speaker:And so I used to, back when I used to manifest.
Speaker:So this would have been like. It was back when I was in Vancouver.
Speaker:So it was at least over five, six years ago probably
Speaker:I was inside of a relationship that was out of alignment and I, it
Speaker:was, it was already coming to an end. And I. I
Speaker:suppose my saboteur, which I didn't even realize at the time
Speaker:was my saboteur, was looking around going, okay,
Speaker:who are expander couples that I can. That I can look to?
Speaker:And, you know, that's what I want. Like, they have emotional intimacy, they
Speaker:have spiritual practices together, they have fun together. Like, and this
Speaker:was. These were people I knew, but they didn't live in the same place as
Speaker:me. So I wasn't witnessing their relationship. I just was
Speaker:witnessing it online. You know, I had seen so many photos and. And
Speaker:stories and them post things about each other. So I was witnessing their
Speaker:dynamic online. And I was so. I was like,
Speaker:so sparked by them. And I called them my expander couple. There's a woman
Speaker:named Lacey Phillips who does. She has these. This amazing
Speaker:library of meditations and manifestation, and that's her thing.
Speaker:And I had done some manifestation
Speaker:meditations with her, and she used the word expander, and she said,
Speaker:look for expanders. So I would call them my
Speaker:expander couple. And then turns out
Speaker:about a year or two later, I find out
Speaker:that they are divorced, that he was a
Speaker:toxic narcissist, and that they had a really
Speaker:painful relationship inside of that relationship that I saw
Speaker:online. So what I learned from that experience
Speaker:is even me, I've been teaching this for so long,
Speaker:and, you know, I broke free, I'd say from fairy tale thinking around
Speaker:love in my early 30s, when I left my perfect on
Speaker:paper relationship with Charlie, who I thought I was going to marry,
Speaker:but I was not feeling. It was not feeling right because I didn't know
Speaker:my own soul, because I was doing it from the little girl. I didn't know
Speaker:that at the time, but I thought I'd totally broken free.
Speaker:And here I am. You know, this is. This would have been,
Speaker:gosh, like 12 years later. Or not, maybe not
Speaker:12, eight years later after leaving Charlie, that I had
Speaker:this expander couple in mind and I knew nothing about their
Speaker:relationship. So it just goes to show, you know, you can
Speaker:look around you and think, wow, that I. I
Speaker:want what they have, even your closest friends.
Speaker:But let me tell you, my loves, unless the people inside
Speaker:of the relationship, and. And even these people I'm talking about, they were like
Speaker:coaches and healers and somatic practitioners. Like, they
Speaker:had done a lot of healing. So even then,
Speaker:there's still so much fantasy, right? And
Speaker:we consume so much fantasy every single day.
Speaker:So Catherine and I have talked about this before, kind of the fairy tale went
Speaker:from being like, I want a knight in shining armor to
Speaker:I want A conscious man who does breath work and ayahuasca
Speaker:ceremonies in Peru. With me, like, it became this like new
Speaker:fairy tale, new fantasy. And the reality is
Speaker:that wounded little girl is always going to be looking for that
Speaker:thing to rescue her. She's always going to.
Speaker:And that wounded little girl, no matter how much healing you do,
Speaker:the beauty of the expanded love method, which is my work that I
Speaker:do with women, which is uncovering and identifying, learning about your
Speaker:saboteur, who's protecting the wounded little girl and your heroine.
Speaker:The beauty of it is you have such self awareness
Speaker:that you can see and you learn that your saboteur and the
Speaker:wounded little girl are always going to be there. I've been on this
Speaker:journey for 20 years, still here to a degree.
Speaker:However, my heroine is a lot stronger than
Speaker:the wounded little girl and my saboteur. And for the most part, except
Speaker:for that little sneaky experience with that couple, for the most part,
Speaker:my heroine leads. And when the wounded little girl and saboteur show up,
Speaker:I have practices, I have ways to connect, I have ways to work through it,
Speaker:but I don't stay stuck in it for too long. That's the thing to
Speaker:look forward to. Someone said to me the other day, oh, I hate that the
Speaker:journey never ends. And it's like, no, it's such a good thing. You get to
Speaker:discover more parts of yourself. You get to unlock more,
Speaker:more desires and more, more aspects of you, more
Speaker:gifts. We just keep growing in the most beautiful ways.
Speaker:But the more, the deeper you go into your heroine, into your
Speaker:sovereignty, into your soul, the stronger that part of you
Speaker:gets. But in the beginning, that, this is where it's a little
Speaker:bit uncomfortable. In the beginning, your saboteur is simply
Speaker:just stronger, right? Your saboteur and the wounded little girl have just been
Speaker:running the show for way longer. So in order
Speaker:to let your heroine take charge, it takes a whole
Speaker:lot of presence, consciousness, devotion
Speaker:and commitment. In the beginning, I'd say in the first, like, gosh, for
Speaker:me it was at least the first five, 10 years. It took so much like
Speaker:practice, practice, practice, practice, practice. Until one day the heroine
Speaker:becomes stronger and she starts to take the lead. Sometimes it's sooner.
Speaker:I mean, in the work I do with women, quite often within
Speaker:the first six months of us working together, their heroin becomes incredibly strong
Speaker:and the saboteur becomes less strong.
Speaker:So it's so powerful because you can then go
Speaker:on dates, you know, get to know men or women
Speaker:or whoever you're dating. You can, you can get into relationships, you can even
Speaker:get married from your heroin and you can see clearly when it's
Speaker:not your heroin because you know the difference in your body.
Speaker:So. But most women are choosing love from this feeling, from
Speaker:this story we've been fed. I just want the story. They
Speaker:say, like, I just want the happily ever after. I just
Speaker:want the beautiful wedding. I just want to have
Speaker:that day to celebrate with all my friends and family. Okay, so for
Speaker:really, like let's go back to the wedding. Why is it such a big production
Speaker:then? Why do people spend so much money if it's really
Speaker:about the love? Why is it such a big production where
Speaker:everything has to be perfect and everything goes in the same
Speaker:order at every wedding? And everything's so like it's scripted. That
Speaker:is part of, and everyone says it was the best day of my life at
Speaker:the end of the day and at the end of the wedding. And then what
Speaker:happens if we look inside of their relationship for five, maybe 10 years down the
Speaker:road, sometimes one year down the road, either they're divorced or they're not
Speaker:having sex anymore, or they are having sex but
Speaker:the woman is saying yes when it's actually a no just because she wants to
Speaker:keep her husband, or they deeply resent each other
Speaker:or they sweep things under the rug or someone's having an affair.
Speaker:Like for so many relationships, that's what's happening. And
Speaker:I'm just, I just listed a few problems, a few challenges that
Speaker:occur. And the problem is not relationship. Like I hear people
Speaker:say all the time, relationships are work, relationships are hard. It's
Speaker:like the problem isn't the relationship. The problem is how we enter the relationship and
Speaker:what part of us is in the relationship. If you do not
Speaker:have a deep relationship with your wounded little girl and your saboteur
Speaker:and you don't know how to let your heroine lead. And
Speaker:it doesn't have to be like you can use the language of your soul, your
Speaker:sovereignty. If you don't have that level of self
Speaker:awareness, there will be a wounded child leading a relationship and that's where
Speaker:your relationship's going to go. And then so many women wake up
Speaker:because we feel way more like men. Well, first of all, there's countless
Speaker:studies that men are happier married because usually women take care of them, take care
Speaker:of everything and they, they feel more relaxed and taken care of. Whereas
Speaker:women are burnt out and miserable and resentful because they're doing too much
Speaker:self sacrificing and over functioning. So they're happier single. These are the
Speaker:studies. But so many women,
Speaker:because we are Way more attuned to our feelings. We
Speaker:feel everything. So we're the ones crying in the closet five years
Speaker:after the wedding or five minutes after the wedding, going, what
Speaker:the fuck? I have everything I ever wanted. Why am
Speaker:I not happy? This is the most common phrase I hear women
Speaker:say in my work. Like, that's how they get to me,
Speaker:is like, I have it all and I'm still not happy. And I share this
Speaker:with the young, younger women who haven't married yet, who
Speaker:are still in the fantasy story, who are still in the but where is
Speaker:he? But I still want that. I want the picket fence. I want the whatever.
Speaker:It's like you. The. The. The conditioning
Speaker:runs so deep. You almost can't even tell a young woman that,
Speaker:like, she has to walk through the fire, think, that's
Speaker:the thing, wake up one day crying in her closet to realize
Speaker:that's not the thing, that's not the answer. The answer is not outside of
Speaker:herself. I think that's it. It's like trying to tell a teenager
Speaker:to not, you know, try smoking or to not,
Speaker:you know, whatever. Like trying to tell a teenager to not do
Speaker:something that's bad, to not do drugs, to not party.
Speaker:They have to go through the experience of partying their ass off and barfing
Speaker:all night long and feeling horrible the next day to actually
Speaker:learn the consequences of that. And unfortunately,
Speaker:teenagers don't feel hangovers like adults do. So I think it takes
Speaker:them a while to, like, really, really feel the
Speaker:consequences. But that, like
Speaker:telling a fantasy addict saboteur to stop
Speaker:being in fantasy and to that. That that script
Speaker:isn't real is so. So if you're a younger woman and you
Speaker:haven't been married yet and you're still attached, that's why. Because
Speaker:your teenage saboteur has to walk through it in order to
Speaker:really get it. And that's okay. Like, there. There's no mistakes.
Speaker:This isn't about, you know, the. The new truth journey isn't about doing anything
Speaker:perfectly. I just am here to plant seeds, to share new
Speaker:perspectives to help you see. And then one day you will. Even if it's
Speaker:like a week before your wedding and you're like, oh, is that. Is this the
Speaker:feeling where my anxiety's so high my gut is screaming
Speaker:no. Is this the time where I say, where even though
Speaker:we've, you know, so many people are involved, even though I'm going to let people
Speaker:down, even though I'm going to lose a lot of money, even though people are
Speaker:going to waste their gifts, their Time and their energy. I'm still going to
Speaker:have the courage to say, this isn't for me. I'm calling this
Speaker:wedding off. Like, maybe that was your initiation
Speaker:into the queen that you are, right? Maybe that's your first step into coming
Speaker:into your true power and sovereignty. So I'm not
Speaker:here to stop you from quote unquote, making mistakes because there's no such thing.
Speaker:Right? You're going to take a step and you're going to learn. And so often
Speaker:the women I work with don't fully get something I'm teaching them and
Speaker:then a year later they're like, oh my gosh, I get it, because I just
Speaker:went through this experience and everything you said happened
Speaker:and then I got it on a deeper level. So we do, we have to
Speaker:learn through experience. So this is not to try and protect
Speaker:you from making this mistake or choice, but just for you
Speaker:to know. You know, the more you can be connected with your
Speaker:sovereignty, the more you can be connected with your soul
Speaker:and have a deeper, deep, loving relationship with the
Speaker:wounded little girl and your saboteur. The more
Speaker:likely or the more, the more you'll be set up for a
Speaker:healthy, thriving relationship. So the first thing the fairy tale
Speaker:didn't consider is you is any of that, right? Your
Speaker:relationship with all of you. Your little girl, your
Speaker:saboteur and your heroine, your sovereign woman
Speaker:soul. So the second thing the fairy tale
Speaker:didn't consider is the passivity that comes with
Speaker:thinking that once I have that thing, then I'll be happy.
Speaker:Right? So then they lived happily ever after.
Speaker:We've heard that story a million times. You've heard that phrase a million
Speaker:times. Then they lived happily ever after. And I hear women even say
Speaker:it, oh, I'm not affected by the fairy tale story. And then, like, I just
Speaker:want my happily ever after. Like, I just
Speaker:want my happily ever after. There's no such thing.
Speaker:There's no such thing as being happily ever after.
Speaker:In fact, I feel sad when I hear that
Speaker:phrase because it infers that there's
Speaker:some destination for us to get to where we're just going to be happy in
Speaker:every moment forever. Amen. And I think of the
Speaker:absolute contrast
Speaker:that we will experience in this human experience. Like, you can't
Speaker:not, first of all, you cannot stick to even self aware,
Speaker:conscious people who are sovereign and know their
Speaker:saboteurs and know their heroines and heroes. You still
Speaker:can't have two people living in a home together,
Speaker:doing a relationship together, raising children together without
Speaker:having conflict and challenge come up. It's not possible.
Speaker:So it's not going to happen in a relationship ever,
Speaker:because your stuff will get activated in relationship.
Speaker:In fact, I think relationships are one of the greatest places to grow
Speaker:because it's a mirror. I mean, even when I have a crush on someone,
Speaker:it's. I love it because it's like, ooh, look at all
Speaker:the patterns that just came up. Wow. Look at
Speaker:the part of me that just wants to get. Get smaller and be sweet or
Speaker:wants to people please or wants to control
Speaker:the situation and make something happen. Like the
Speaker:moment I have a crush on someone. And even though I'm so
Speaker:much in my heroine now in my life, the moment I have a crush on
Speaker:someone, all the patterns come up. It's like, whoa, so cool.
Speaker:And I actually love seeing my patterns now.
Speaker:And they don't, you know, it's, it's. They don't hijack me, but I can
Speaker:see them. And I'm like, ooh, thank you for revealing yourself so I can grow
Speaker:even more from this experience. So it's always an opportunity to
Speaker:grow, but there is no relationship that's just going to be happily ever after. This
Speaker:just not possible. You come from two different, you know, maybe
Speaker:cultures, two different family systems with different traumas. You
Speaker:come from different neighborhoods. You come from different social circles. You come from different
Speaker:maybe age brackets. You come from like different sexes.
Speaker:There's so many factors that will
Speaker:cause two people to activate each other. And I
Speaker:believe that's kind of the purpose of relationship is this
Speaker:person activates our pleasure and our pain, which allows us
Speaker:to grow so much more, even the pleasure, right? I can see where my
Speaker:pleasure walls are. I can see where I'm uncomfortable fully
Speaker:receiving and fully surrendering into this moment. And
Speaker:a way that women are uncomfortable receiving is when your
Speaker:fantasy addict, part of your saboteur is always in the future, that means you're
Speaker:uncomfort receiving. Like, if we can't be present
Speaker:fully with this experience and let it organically unfold,
Speaker:there's a part of us that actually won't receive it. You're going to miss
Speaker:it, right? And you're probably on some level,
Speaker:whether it's probably unconscious, you're probably on
Speaker:some level waiting,
Speaker:wanting to receive this thing. But maybe you're afraid to
Speaker:receive, right? Because if it's the little girl, if
Speaker:it's the wounded little princess who's in this relationship wanting
Speaker:this man to choose her, wanting this love, well, underneath
Speaker:that, she doesn't believe she's worthy of love. That's why she's wanting a Man to
Speaker:give her love or a woman, whoever you're into. It's like you
Speaker:are waiting for that person to make you feel worthy, to make you feel
Speaker:lovable, to make you feel chosen, to make you feel good enough. And if that
Speaker:is where it's coming from, you will never feel it.
Speaker:I remember being in a relationship in my early 20s. I had never
Speaker:felt love like this. I'd never experienced a man love me so much. I was
Speaker:living in Australia. I don't know if it's because I was foreign, I
Speaker:was from a different country. He was so enamored by me
Speaker:and it was such a beautiful experience. I still love and
Speaker:adore him to this day. And I remember
Speaker:feeling so special and so seen and so loved,
Speaker:and yet still it never felt like enough. And the
Speaker:reason it didn't feel like enough is because I didn't believe I was
Speaker:enough. So even though he adored me, it never.
Speaker:It was like a bottomless pit. Nothing he could ever give me would be
Speaker:enough because I was trying to fill my not
Speaker:enoughness from him. That's underneath the fairy tale
Speaker:story. All of us trying to get the. To meet
Speaker:the one. To meet our one great love. To meet like this
Speaker:grandiose love story that we've been painted,
Speaker:thinking once that love comes along, loneliness will not be
Speaker:their. There are a lot of women lonely in relationships. As
Speaker:I said earlier, that sadness won't be their bullshit. Anxiety won't be
Speaker:their bullshit. Fear won't be their bullshit. Like all the things like the
Speaker:story is, the safety is in this man coming and rescuing us on a
Speaker:horse and sweeping us off our feet. But the reality is
Speaker:we never feel safe. None of that ever goes away from
Speaker:the love. And the love, we never feel safe with the love,
Speaker:it's never enough because it's a little girl who
Speaker:doesn't believe she's enough trying to get the love.
Speaker:Here's the difference, my loves. When you are in your sovereignty,
Speaker:when you are in your heroine, you do not need this
Speaker:relationship. You do not need this marriage.
Speaker:You do not need the big fancy wedding. You do not
Speaker:need him to give you words. You don't need him to like, pour his love
Speaker:language into you and make sure it's the right love language so you can receive
Speaker:it. I mean, even that I'm. Maybe I'll do an episode on that.
Speaker:Like, I think it's all, it's all we're all trying to
Speaker:control. Like, okay, it's nice to know the words feel nice, but it's like,
Speaker:what part of Me, I used to be obsessed with the love languages. I've never
Speaker:said this out loud before. This is just coming through right now. I used to
Speaker:be obsessed with the love languages, but when I was obsessed with
Speaker:them, I was still very insecure, needing validation, needing words,
Speaker:needing love. And now that I don't need them, I get
Speaker:them all the time, but I don't need them. So it's like
Speaker:there's. I. It's such a different feeling. And I'll get to it on the
Speaker:last, the last point for what the fairy tale didn't consider.
Speaker:But when you're in your sovereignty and you're dating, your
Speaker:life is already full of love. You are full of
Speaker:love, you are worthy. You have a life that lights
Speaker:you up. You're connected to your gifts, you're confident, you know who you are, you're
Speaker:fully expressed. This is the heroine. If you do not feel this
Speaker:way, come work with me. I have amazing, amazing programs
Speaker:both online and offline, one on one, and the
Speaker:immersion and all sorts of things. But like, this is the most
Speaker:important journey you could go on is getting a master's degree. That's what
Speaker:it's equivalent to in your relationship with yourself. Because
Speaker:when you're living from sovereignty, there is a fullness
Speaker:inside of you already. So you can go on dates
Speaker:and it's not so painful. It's only painful to date
Speaker:because the little girl is dating and the saboteur. And the saboteur is like, well,
Speaker:that guy's not the one. That guy's not the one. This guy's potential. But he's
Speaker:not texting you back. It must mean you're too fat or you're not smart enough,
Speaker:or you're not beautiful enough. Like your saboteur takes
Speaker:over only because the wounded little girl is trying to get love from dating,
Speaker:right? So dating is not painful when you're in your heroine. Nor is
Speaker:marriage, nor is being in a long term relationship, nor is being
Speaker:single. You actually just are you everywhere you
Speaker:go. And when activations arise, you look in
Speaker:the mirror and you work through them and you love yourself through them till you
Speaker:come back to that sovereign place. And then you have
Speaker:a conversation with your partner and then you grow and then you
Speaker:deepen. It's a very, very different experience. I experienced it
Speaker:in my last relationship that also lovingly ended with so
Speaker:much love and consciousness. I mean, we talk all the time, we're still very dear
Speaker:friends. But so much more is possible when you're in your
Speaker:sovereignty, because you're not. You're not wound. It's not a wounded part of
Speaker:you. And you know, I think of the weekend,
Speaker:the weekend with the women I just did starting over.
Speaker:When we're talking about sovereignty, so many women are like, but how do I find
Speaker:my heroine? It's like the beauty of this journey is you don't
Speaker:have to find her. She's already inside. She's the one that's
Speaker:screamed no on your wedding day when your saboteur's like, we gotta go through with
Speaker:it because look at all those people and they're gonna be disappointed and we're gonna
Speaker:waste money and people will be mad at us, so we gotta go through with
Speaker:with it. Like, do you know how common that story
Speaker:is? That is insane. Like, we must
Speaker:absolutely lie to everyone in our lives and lie to every.
Speaker:Like lie everywhere so that we don't get found
Speaker:out. So that people don't get mad at us, people don't judge us.
Speaker:It's like everybody else has their own life. Let
Speaker:people judge you, let people be mad at you, Let people think
Speaker:you're crazy. Their life is not your life. Your life is
Speaker:your own. And to make decisions, going against
Speaker:your heroine, she's always inside of you. So if you have anxiety
Speaker:on a regular basis, chances are most likely you're going
Speaker:against your truth in many ways. Probably in many ways.
Speaker:Most women are doing it in so many ways. Like you're eating food that don't
Speaker:feel good to your body. You're saying yes to things that don't feel good. You're
Speaker:in friendships that you're, that you've totally outgrown, that are no longer aligned. You're in
Speaker:a job that sucks the life out of your soul. You're treated like shit in
Speaker:different relational dynamics and it's the wounded little girl still stuck in them.
Speaker:You're like, it's endless, right? But most people
Speaker:are loving from this place, are in relationship, are
Speaker:living from this place. So number one, the fairy tale didn't consider
Speaker:you, your relationship with yourself, your sovereignty and how to
Speaker:actually have a healthy relationship is to have be living from that
Speaker:rooted self worth, sovereign place that most women
Speaker:aren't. Number two is destination. Thinking
Speaker:like I. Happily ever after is what I talked about because it's
Speaker:passive. If I think I'm just going to get to a destination and be good,
Speaker:like, first of all, that's not possible. Second of all, it's
Speaker:passive. Like how passive? I'm just going to arrive. That's
Speaker:why people become so passive in relationship. They sign the contract,
Speaker:they sign the Marriage contract. They do the thing, they do the song and
Speaker:dance, whatever, and they're like, okay, now that. That area of my life
Speaker:sorted. I've heard women say this so many times. That tick that box,
Speaker:that sorted. Now I'm going to focus on my career. I'm sorry. Life is not
Speaker:so compartmentalized. If your life is compartmentalized like that, you're living from a
Speaker:script. You're not actually experiencing your life
Speaker:because there is no destination
Speaker:and nothing is just sorted. Your relationship is a
Speaker:living, breathing thing. You are a living, breathing
Speaker:thing. And if you don't know how to tend to both, your
Speaker:own heart, your own truths, your own feelings, your partner's heart, their
Speaker:truths, their feelings, your. Your relationship, the union, how to feed
Speaker:it, how to have honest conversations, how to keep
Speaker:staying connected, how to keep deepening in intimacy and
Speaker:growing through challenge and conflict. If you don't know how to do that,
Speaker:then your relationship will be dead. And this is why people stop having sex.
Speaker:That's why people stop having sex in relationship or stop having good
Speaker:sex or. It's, like, so good in the beginning because you're all high on fantasy,
Speaker:and then later you're, like, loathing the person because you have
Speaker:all this animosity, all this resentment, all this stuff between
Speaker:you because you thought you were going to live happily ever after and check a
Speaker:box and your relationship would be good. That is what kills a
Speaker:relationship. Your relationship is a living, breathing thing. You have
Speaker:to tend to it, and you have to tend to your relationship with yourself first
Speaker:and foremost. So the last thing the
Speaker:fairy tale didn't consider, and this is, this one is so
Speaker:important, is Soul
Speaker:Expansive Love. The Expanded
Speaker:Love method is my work in the world. And,
Speaker:you know, I think when I started this podcast, I don't even know
Speaker:if I believed in love to the degree that I do now.
Speaker:But I think a lot of women hear
Speaker:this message and they think it means they have to give up on love
Speaker:and that, you know, okay, so then I just have to be an independent woman
Speaker:who takes care of herself and loves herself, and then I won't need love. And
Speaker:then I'm just, like, giving up on that dream altogether. This is so common that
Speaker:I hear this, and that's actually quite the opposite of what this
Speaker:is. When you are loving from your saboteur and
Speaker:your little girl, you are going to attract toxic relational patterns and
Speaker:dynamics that match your saboteur. Right? Like
Speaker:all the women that are like, I'm breaking free from a narcissistic, abusive
Speaker:relationship, which is one of the most common things talked about right now
Speaker:in the relational space. The only reason
Speaker:anyone is in a relationship with a narcissist is because they are a fantasy
Speaker:addict and a self sacrificer and a shapeshifter. If you
Speaker:did not, if you were not in your saboteur and you were in your
Speaker:sovereign woman, in your heroine, you would not attract
Speaker:that, not even for a second, you would not be compatible with that.
Speaker:So either you're dating from your saboteur and your little girl, which
Speaker:means you're going to be compatible with someone else's saboteur and their little boy
Speaker:or little girl, or you are dating
Speaker:from the sovereign woman, from the heroine, and then you are going to be
Speaker:compatible with someone who's also sovereign. A
Speaker:sovereign king, I would like to call it. So it's
Speaker:not that love doesn't exist and you have to give up on love. In
Speaker:fact, I believe the love you'll experience is far greater
Speaker:than any love you could fathom. But here's the
Speaker:difference. When you are in your heroine, when you are
Speaker:in your sovereign woman, you will
Speaker:attract a partner who meets you with the woman that
Speaker:you are and where you're coming from in yourself.
Speaker:So I think of the men that I meet now in my life match
Speaker:the heroine that I am, not my saboteur. And I feel
Speaker:so met and I feel so seen. And there's
Speaker:no part of me that's like, I need you. Well, okay, that's not true. That's.
Speaker:There's a little part, like I said, when I have a crush on someone, like,
Speaker:the little girl might be there and I can tend to her and love her.
Speaker:She's not the one dating. She's not the one getting to know the person.
Speaker:The expanded love that you get to experience far
Speaker:surpasses any, any little girl. Princess,
Speaker:rescue me in the tower. Let's get married. Let's rush through this
Speaker:whole thing, sweep me off my feet, save me, and let's rush to the
Speaker:finish line together. Like, that is
Speaker:empty. You know, you might get like hits of high. It's like dopamine
Speaker:hits, right? It's like doing drugs versus meditating.
Speaker:Like, you do drugs, you get, okay, sure, you get dopamine hits, but then you
Speaker:feel like you want to die after versus, like years of meditating and going
Speaker:deeper and deeper and deep into that space inside of yourself. I
Speaker:have psychedelic experiences meditating all the time, but it
Speaker:only expands me, it doesn't deplete me. That's expanded
Speaker:love. And, you know, I think of my life there's so much expanded
Speaker:love everywhere. I have love everywhere. I'm. I have the most meaningful,
Speaker:deep, intimate relationships. I meet the most expansive people.
Speaker:And every day in Kenya, I can't even believe the souls that I'm meeting.
Speaker:That so amazing. And there's such a beautiful
Speaker:connection, and it's so different to what I used to
Speaker:attract when I was in my saboteur. But the soul
Speaker:love, of course we have soul mates. In fact, I
Speaker:believe when you're a mate to your own soul, meaning your
Speaker:devotion is to you and to living from your heart and living from your
Speaker:soul and honoring yourself and loving yourself and treating
Speaker:yourself with. With love and surrounding yourself with people
Speaker:and places and experiences that feel so nourishing to be around.
Speaker:When that is your path, you will attract all of your
Speaker:soulmates. And I don't think there's just one. And I'm not talking romantic,
Speaker:but of course we're meant to experience soulmate love.
Speaker:But soulmate love is not graspy. It's not
Speaker:needy. It's not, oh, my God, I feel so good when you're here and so
Speaker:bad when you're not. That's a drug addiction. Soulmate
Speaker:love is just. I'm living and
Speaker:breathing and being and expressing from my soul.
Speaker:And now I'm looking at someone who's a man
Speaker:who is living or a woman. Like, again, fill in the blank,
Speaker:who is living and breathing and expressing from
Speaker:their soul. And wow, our souls are a match. And
Speaker:wow, this feels amazing. It's the feeling of being
Speaker:met by someone. It's like you're.
Speaker:There's an equalness. And I don't mean like in the traditional sense of like the
Speaker:word equality. It's energy. There's an
Speaker:energy match because neither of you are vampires trying
Speaker:to siphon something from each other. Neither of you are in a
Speaker:fantasy thinking somebody else is responsible for how I feel.
Speaker:I need to get this thing from them. And the moment they stop being my
Speaker:source, I'm going to get mad at them and I'm going to be resentful and
Speaker:bitter that they're no longer my source. That's saboteur love.
Speaker:That's little girl extractive love. Real
Speaker:soul love is the feeling of being met. And when you're a
Speaker:soulmate, when you're a mate to your own soul, we get to experience that in
Speaker:so many forms. So when the romantic one comes along,
Speaker:it's less jarring,
Speaker:it's not so dramatic. It's just beautiful.
Speaker:And, you know, I have experienced it, and it's like the most beautiful
Speaker:thing and the most satiating feeling and the most
Speaker:incredible energy. But it's not.
Speaker:It's not something that you need to have to feel good, because you already feel
Speaker:good from this place. You have
Speaker:way more potential to have a healthy, thriving relationship
Speaker:because there's two sovereign souls who are connected to their souls,
Speaker:who are fully alive, who are fully responsible for themselves.
Speaker:And then they come together and they relate. And when the mirror comes up and
Speaker:all your stuff arises, it's your job to know how to be in
Speaker:relationship with all of your pain and all of your insecurities that
Speaker:arise when the relationship mirrors
Speaker:that to you, because it always does. Whether you're dating, you have a crush
Speaker:on someone, or that you're friends with them and you're getting to know them, or
Speaker:you're in a relationship or you're married. Like you will. Your stuff
Speaker:will arise. But just know if you're in relationship to your
Speaker:feelings, to that little wounded little girl, if you know how to hold her and
Speaker:love her through it. Now those triggers become
Speaker:a massive opportunity to deepen more into your heroine, to
Speaker:expand your life more, and to deepen an intimacy with your partner.
Speaker:So it's not that love is impossible. Expanded love is. Is so
Speaker:possible. Soul expansive soulmate love
Speaker:is so possible, but it doesn't come from the wounded little girl
Speaker:in the fantasy story of being swept off your feet, having one person forever and
Speaker:ever, and you just get the picket fence and then you're good. You have the
Speaker:big production of a wedding and then you're good. It's so much deeper than that.
Speaker:So hopefully this episode served you. Please
Speaker:share it with every woman you know who needs to hear this message
Speaker:and give us a okay again us.
Speaker:Give me the New Truth. A review that helps
Speaker:grow the podcast so, so much. It would mean the world to me if you
Speaker:could give us a Me us. Maybe it's me and you, me
Speaker:and all of you. Does feel like it's a. It's a huge community, the New
Speaker:Truth community. So would love it if you could give the New Truth a five
Speaker:star review and just share how much impact it's had on your life
Speaker:and always love to hear from you. Send me a message on Instagram, social
Speaker:media and yeah, love you so much and I'll see
Speaker:you next week.
