How to Not Lose Yourself in Relationship, Especially When Your Partner is Struggling

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Like, okay, I need to sacrifice myself right now

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because he's going through a hard time, so I'm just going to

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shape shift and sacrifice, and I'm going to be there over

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function, and I'm going to be his therapist, and I'm going to

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be his mom, and I'm going to be his everything, because he can't

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do laundry now and he can't cook dinner now, and he can't do this

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and he can't do that, so I'm going to do everything to make

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him feel better. But what that actually does is it enables the

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pattern, and it enables him to stay stuck. So that's the irony

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of our patterns. Your saboteur, 100% of the time thinks she's

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solving something, but 100% of the time she's actually creating

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the very thing that she's trying to solve. She thinks she's she

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thinks she's fixing it, but she's actually creating it.

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Because you're not seeing this person in their sovereignty,

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right? If you're not coming from that anchored, solid, whole

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place inside of yourself where you're only responsible for you

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and you're taking the deepest, most impeccable care of you, so

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you can be a better partner and a better human in the world. If

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you're not in that place, you're going to get hooked into

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rescuing them, thinking that's helping them, but that's not

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helping them. That's hurting them, and more importantly, it's

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hurting you.

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Hello, beautiful. Welcome back to the new truth podcast. Kate

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here. Hope you're having a great summer wherever in the world you

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are, or maybe it's winter where you are, because either you're

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listening to this six months later or you're in the southern

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hemisphere, but I hope you're having a beautiful time wherever

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you are, even amidst all the world chaos right now. Don't

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spend your time talking about it. Me and Mariana have a mantra

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that we say to each other. I think I've said it on the

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podcast before. I'm having her on really soon. My my love of my

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life, Mariana, I talk about her a lot. She's been on the podcast

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a few times, but one of our favorite mantras is, Don't take

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the bait. Don't take the bait. There's endless bait out there

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to take, to stress about, to worry about, to focus on. And,

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you know, the best gift we can give the world is to be a an

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aligned human that's walking through it, that's actually

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present and connected and, you know, happy and and on purpose,

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and making an impact and giving from a place of overflow and

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able to like, serve the world in all the ways, from your heart,

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not from your fear. So I guess that's where I'm starting. I

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didn't plan on saying, Well, I don't really plan anything. So

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here we are. But I just wanted to say too, if you have anything

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going on in your relationships, in your life right now that you

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want me to talk about, send me a message and let me know. Hey,

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I'd love to hear an episode on this or on that, because there's

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obviously endless perspectives to take, endless things to

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unpack here every week. So but today we are going to dive into

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how to not lose yourself in relationship, especially when

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your partner is struggling. And so there was someone actually in

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the Facebook group. I apologize for my absence in the Facebook

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group. If you want to ask about episodes in the Facebook group

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or request episodes, I will be more present. Just tag me,

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because I'm not really on social media very much. So Catherine

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was on there a whole lot more than me. But I went in there

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today. It's been a very long time, and I saw a really

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beautiful question someone was asking, when your partner's

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going through job loss or loss in their life, or mental health

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issues or their own stuff? How do you not take it on? So that's

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what inspired this message, and I wanted to expand it to how to

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not lose ourselves in relationship, because that is

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the case for so many women. Yeah, oh my gosh. I just have so

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much to say about that. But I think if we go back to where,

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where, like, the Institute of marriage and relationship came

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from, it used to be a business arrangement. And I think about

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it, it's like, really, this idea that men would women would just

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serve men. So men could go out and do things in the world

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right? Men could go out and fight for a war. Men could go

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out and not that that was a pleasant thing for them to do,

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but men could go out and provide for the family. Men could could

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go and do their thing, and women would stay home and take care of

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everything for them. So sounds really romantic. Sign me up? No,

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I'm just kidding, but it's true, right? It used to be a business

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arrangement, and having a family was like a business, and it

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still is. And yet in the modern world, we also have plastered

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all over the relationship like, your man has to be your Prince

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Charming. He has to be the one. He has to be super romantic. He

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has to make you feel beautiful and make you feel special. And

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he has to be, you know, conscious now, and he has to be

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a Superior Man. And blah, blah, blah. And it goes on and on and

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on. And we essentially in the old paradigm of relationship,

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whether it's the, you know, spiritually conscious version or

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or not, the fairy tale relationship of being rescued by

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love, by a relationship, we essentially make our partners

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God, and then what happens? We become like a servant to them, a

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servant to God, inside of the relational dynamic. So the old

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paradigm is so co dependent, right? It's our. Our nervous

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system and our emotional stability is dependent on what's

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happening inside our relationship, what our partners

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bringing or not bringing to the table. And there's so much

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effect that we have when we're in these co dependent,

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structured relationships. So even you know the idea that we

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when you're in a relationship, you need to rush towards living

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together and sharing a space and sharing a bed every single night

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of your life, and sharing dinner every night if you have normal

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nine to five jobs, and how much time do you spend with your

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partner sharing weekends together? I find most women fall

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on one side or the other. They either spend no time with their

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partner because they're so independent and their partner's

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so independent, but they don't have a lot of intimacy between

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them, or they spend too much time together, and that where

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it's just like you go to work all day, and then you're home

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and your partner's there, and you're just together all the

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time. So that type of relationship is really

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suffocating to the soul, because, of course, we need

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intimacy, we need love. We need connection. We need

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relationships. And relationships are so important. I believe

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they're one of the greatest opportunities to grow. And if we

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aren't rooted in ourselves, and we aren't able to see the

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relationship through the new paradigm lens, which is, let the

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relationship surprise you let the relationship unfold, but

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don't, don't let it become everything, right? The old

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paradigm is like, my relationship is everything.

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People speak in the we, when you get like that, talk about

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codependency, when you speak in the we, like, oh, we would love

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to do that. Oh, we had a great time. We, we, we, we, that would

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actually be the first place to look it's like, are you still an

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individual inside of your relationship? Right? Do you do?

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Is your partner an individual inside of your relationship? And

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I've unpacked so many relationships over the years of

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working with women, especially the last 10 years, I've been

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coaching, as you know, for like, gosh, almost 20 years. But I

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started as a business coach, and now I'm obviously helping women

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with their relationship with themselves, but I've unpacked

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many, many, many relational dynamics with my clients over

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the years, and what I noticed after the first few years of

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doing it, that in every single relational dynamic, and when I

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say dynamic, I'm talking about like the patterns that are

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Playing out inside of the relationship in every relational

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dynamic, one person is the adult, mom or dad, and the other

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person is the Wounded Child, child or teenager, and that's

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how they fit together. And this might in your relationship. This

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might change you might have in different areas of the

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relationship. For example, your your partner might be dad when

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it comes to money, and you might be the little girl that doesn't

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know how to do money, or maybe the I've heard a lot of recent

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stories of the other way around, where you're the sovereign and

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independent woman who makes all the money, but your partner's

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the teenage boy who it just does whatever he wants and doesn't

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care, doesn't have a job and doesn't care, doesn't have

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purpose. There. That is the, an example of the dynamic that

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plays out. And then you might have emotionally the woman's

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like the mom and the the the I was gonna say, Son, yeah, the

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man is the son. The man is the child, right? The child that

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that can't quite express how he feels, or that needs to be

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coddled, or whatever the thing might be. So you the first place

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you want to look is, what role are you playing inside of this

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relationship, right? Are you mom? Are you dad? Are you

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teenager? Are you child? Because all relationship relational

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dynamics have that playing out. And if you are coming from that

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place in your relationship, you you cannot have intimacy from

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that place. No wonder people stop having sex with each other,

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right? Because usually what happens because of the old

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paradigm, because of the fairy tale story that, oh, you're just

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going to have love one day, and it's just going to answer all

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your prayers and it's going to sweep you off your feet, and

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it's going to make you feel happy for the rest of your life,

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and you're just going to sign a contract, and then you have that

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thing, and it's complete. I've talked about this recently in an

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episode that makes you complacent, right? So most

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people think, okay, my relationship's good. And then

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our patterns creep in. Usually, our patterns creep in right at

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the beginning, if you especially if you do not know your

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patterns, and you're not rooted in your sovereignty. Most

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people's patterns probably kick in before that, but they really

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set in when we get to that place of complacency, where we just

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start to play roles inside of the relationship, instead of

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really stay rooted in who I am and let every day be new. So you

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want to first look at what what am I bringing to the table? What

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is my pattern? Right? If I'm in a relational dynamic where I'm

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my pattern is to,

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I mean, even choose partners who are fixer uppers. Maybe your

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partner is going through a hard time right now, or maybe they're

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always going through a hard time. And are you actually

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paying attention? Right? Did you choose someone who needed

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rescuing, and that was the foundation in which you started

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your relationship, versus you going through a hard time where

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your partner suddenly lost a loved one or there, and I've

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heard this so much, where and then they change because they're

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going through deep grief and deep pain. That might have been

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the case, but really look at where, where did this relational

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dynamic start? Because sovereignty is essential on both

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ends, right? And the more rooted you are in your sovereignty, the

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more you will actually attract people who are also rooted in

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theirs, people who don't expect you to rescue them or don't want

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you to take on their pain, people that know how to handle

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their own pain and what to do with it, and that have their own

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support system outside of you, because even if you are married

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to this person, you are not responsible for their feelings.

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You are not responsible for their pain. That doesn't mean

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that you can't be really loving and really supportive when

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they've got something harsh going on. And guess what? The

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more rooted in your own sovereignty and in your own

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heart frequency you are and in your own like, the more you come

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from that place where you're filled up within yourself and

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you're still honoring and loving yourself, the more likely

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there's going to be a shift for them, right? So your saboteur

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pattern, your saboteur thinks, Okay, I need to sacrifice myself

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right now because he's going through a hard time, so I'm just

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going to shape shift and sacrifice, and I'm going to be

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there over function, and I'm going to be his therapist, and

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I'm going to be his mom, and I'm going to be his everything,

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because he can't do laundry now and he can't cook dinner now,

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and he can't do this, and he can't do that, so I'm going to

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do everything to make him feel better. But what that actually

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does is it enables the pattern, and it enables him to stay

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stuck. So that's the irony of our patterns. Your saboteur 100%

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of the time thinks she's solving something, but 100% of the time

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she's actually creating the very thing that she's trying to

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solve. She thinks she's she thinks she's fixing it, but

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she's actually creating it because you're not seeing this

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person in their sovereignty, right? If you're not coming from

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that anchored, solid, whole place inside of yourself where

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you're only responsible for you and you're taking the deepest,

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most impeccable care of you, so you can be a better partner and

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a better human in the world. If you're not in that place, you're

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going to get hooked into rescuing them, thinking that's

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helping them, but that's not helping them. That's hurting

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them, and, more importantly, it's hurting you. So this is the

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thing about relationship, I said in the episode, if you heard it

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a couple of weeks ago, where I was talking about fantasy love

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or real love. I was talking about this, and what I just

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mentioned, the complacency of relationships once we just think

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it's a done deal, and how we see our partners as who they've

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been, and we see ourselves as who we've been, that is the most

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harmful thing you could do to yourself, and literally,

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everyone's doing it. I can't even tell you how many times a

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day I hear, Oh, it's just who I am. Oh, yeah, this is who I am.

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This is who I am. Oh, it's my anxious attachment style. It's

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just who I am. No, it's not. That's not who you are. That's

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who you learned how to be to protect yourself when you're a

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child. You are on this journey now of learning how to come home

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to the sovereign woman inside of you and become the heroine of

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your own life and your own story. Because that is not who

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you are. You are not the perfectionist, you are not the

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shape shifter, you are not the self sacrifice, or you're not

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the people pleaser. That's who you learn to be for survival as

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a child. And now you're still being that, right, and you're

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thinking, you're believing, on some level, it's who you are,

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and it's what's going to keep you safe, and it's what's going

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to solve the problems, but it's actually not solving anything.

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It's creating the problems. It's keeping you trapped in

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relationships that feel unsatiating to your soul,

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relationships that feel siphoning and exhausting

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depleting. You get to have love that meets you where you are. So

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where are you in yourself? It's easy to look at your partner and

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be like, well, he's struggling, and I keep getting swept into

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it. Well, if you keep getting swept into it, my love, you're

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struggling too, right? Because your that means your pattern

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currently has more strength, or has more gravitas, I'll say,

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than your heroine, than your sovereignty, right? It means

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that that part of you is leading and in any given moment, and

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whether you've been on a on a heroin journey with me or not, I

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mean, I'd say everyone listening to this podcast is on some sort

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of a heroin journey with me. But whether you've worked with me or

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not, you have inside of you at any given moment a little

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wounded girl who has her little sidekick, your saboteur

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protector, that's actually her hurt. She's hurting her, right?

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She's, in some cases, her abuser. Because, like, think

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about the thoughts you have about yourself internally. Would

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you if if someone talked to you like that out loud? Would you

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call it emotional abuse? So some saboteurs are even a.

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Emotionally abusive, and I don't say that to make them wrong and

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bad. They think they're doing an important job, and we needed

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them when we were young. So I always say when I'm working with

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women that you want to build a loving relationship with that

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part of you. You just don't want to let her lead your life,

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right? So let's look at what patterns are playing out in your

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relationship that are keeping you stuck in the other person's

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world, and whether it's a painful world that you're stuck

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in or a pleasurable world, like fantasy love, where you're

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getting like, you're getting into the world and all of a

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sudden, you're doing all these things that you didn't do

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before, but like, do you actually enjoy them? Is it

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really aligned with your body? Does it feel good for you? Are

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you just doing these things because you want to be the girl

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that's a match for that guy, right? So you want to look at

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what are your patterns. We talk we've talked so many times about

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the saboteur archetypes. Are you in fantasy? Are you in fantasy

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about the idea of this relationship and this person

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rather than actually listening to your compass. How do you feel

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when you're around them? How do you feel in your body? Your body

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knows, your body will tell you over and over and over again.

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But if you're just swept by the idea of this person, if you're

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swept by the idea of love, if you're so concerned about the

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timeline or what your life looks like, or you don't want to be

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single, so you're just staying in a relationship, or you're

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terrified of hurting them, or you're like, then you're in the

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fantasy addict, right? The Self sacrificer is the one who's

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sacrificing herself and her own life to try and save the other

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person, the rescuer, the people pleaser, the one who who just

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goes along with things, who gets sucked into someone else's

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emotional world. And I would say that's a little bit of shape

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shifter, too. If you take on other people's emotions, we call

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it empathy, or not empathy the empath, right? If you're an

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empath, you and you're highly sensitive, you can feel other

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people's feelings, but what's your relationship with your

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feelings? Right? Often empaths use that as an excuse too. It's

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like, oh, I'm an empath, so I just feel horrible all the time.

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Well, are you going into your body and are you releasing your

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feelings? Are you moving the feelings? Do you have a

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relationship with your feelings? Are you just feeding the story?

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The Shape Shifter is the one who becomes something else. So if

Kate Harlow: 00:17:15

you lose yourself in relationship, most likely it's

Kate Harlow: 00:17:18

the shape shifter and the self sacrificer, because she becomes

Kate Harlow: 00:17:22

something else to be liked and approved of. And this happens a

Kate Harlow: 00:17:26

lot in the beginning. I'd say almost everyone shape shifts in

Kate Harlow: 00:17:29

the beginning. There's some version, unless you're like, one

Kate Harlow: 00:17:32

of those really stubborn controller women who's like,

Kate Harlow: 00:17:35

I'll be who I am, and I'm gonna push you away by being so

Kate Harlow: 00:17:37

intense, not not that you know that I'm saying, if it's coming

Kate Harlow: 00:17:41

from the pattern you, you are more than welcome to push people

Kate Harlow: 00:17:43

away when you're being all of who you are and they don't like

Kate Harlow: 00:17:45

you, they don't like that. That's okay too, but, but shape

Kate Harlow: 00:17:50

shifting is so common in the beginning, right? Because what

Kate Harlow: 00:17:53

what we're taught to, like, woo the person and win them over. So

Kate Harlow: 00:17:57

we're taught to just show all the good things, or, like, even

Kate Harlow: 00:18:00

fake things so that this person chooses you, right? So if you

Kate Harlow: 00:18:05

feel like you lost yourself in relationship, I'm pretty sure

Kate Harlow: 00:18:08

you lost yourself earlier on, and I've said this before, but I

Kate Harlow: 00:18:11

would say if you lose yourself in relationship, you never had

Kate Harlow: 00:18:14

yourself to begin with, because when you're sovereign, you're

Kate Harlow: 00:18:17

solid in yourself, you don't I don't get swept away and lose

Kate Harlow: 00:18:20

myself in other people's worlds now at this point in my journey,

Kate Harlow: 00:18:24

and if you do that's okay, it just means that pattern is still

Kate Harlow: 00:18:27

playing out for you. So the shape shifter is one the

Kate Harlow: 00:18:32

isolator that is probably also playing out and losing yourself.

Kate Harlow: 00:18:35

Because if you're not sharing your own feelings, and you're

Kate Harlow: 00:18:38

not tending to your own feelings, and you're not

Kate Harlow: 00:18:40

expressing your own feelings and being supported in your

Kate Harlow: 00:18:42

feelings, probably you're just swept it by their world. And

Kate Harlow: 00:18:46

then the controller is the one who's trying to control the

Kate Harlow: 00:18:49

relationship. Keep it together. Hold like holding on to the

Kate Harlow: 00:18:53

banks of the river, rather than just letting the boat take you

Kate Harlow: 00:18:56

or letting the the river carry you. So the I mean, there's so

Kate Harlow: 00:19:01

much more to each one. And I always link the saboteur mini

Kate Harlow: 00:19:05

course, discover your saboteur before, but below, if you want

Kate Harlow: 00:19:08

to learn more about it, but you really want to take a hard look

Kate Harlow: 00:19:11

at what are your patterns? What role are you playing inside of

Kate Harlow: 00:19:17

this dynamic, right? Which parent are you playing? Are you

Kate Harlow: 00:19:21

the child? And just know. So circling back to what I said

Kate Harlow: 00:19:25

about these two parts, you have that wounded little girl in your

Kate Harlow: 00:19:28

saboteur sidekick, and then you also have that sovereign woman

Kate Harlow: 00:19:32

that you can re you can connect with and come from in any given

Kate Harlow: 00:19:37

moment, right? The Sovereign woman is the one who's really

Kate Harlow: 00:19:39

clear, who's like, oh, this actually doesn't feel aligned.

Kate Harlow: 00:19:43

This. We've been in the same pattern over and over and over

Kate Harlow: 00:19:45

again, and this is just a no for me. When I close my eyes and

Kate Harlow: 00:19:48

feel into my heart, you want to know what your standards are.

Kate Harlow: 00:19:53

You want to know what your non negotiables are, so you can

Kate Harlow: 00:19:56

actually feel in your heart if it feels aligned like. For me,

Kate Harlow: 00:20:01

you know, obviously changes happen. People go through

Kate Harlow: 00:20:03

transition, but I need to be in a relationship with someone who,

Kate Harlow: 00:20:07

who's on purpose, who cares about what they're doing in the

Kate Harlow: 00:20:10

world, who he's making an impact. Now, my last partner was

Kate Harlow: 00:20:14

a football is a football coach, and he is so in love with what

Kate Harlow: 00:20:20

he does, football like soccer. For those of you that are from

Kate Harlow: 00:20:23

North America, he's a football coach, and he absolutely is

Kate Harlow: 00:20:28

obsessed with what he does. He's always studying, he's always

Kate Harlow: 00:20:30

researching, he's always growing, he's always getting

Kate Harlow: 00:20:32

better. He just got hired by an even better team in Athens this

Kate Harlow: 00:20:35

year, and which is really exciting. And he is so

Kate Harlow: 00:20:39

passionate about what he does that matters to me. And really,

Kate Harlow: 00:20:43

what this is about is not about me being like, Okay, what is

Kate Harlow: 00:20:47

that guy good enough for me? Or am I good enough for them? We're

Kate Harlow: 00:20:50

not looking outside of ourselves to see when you're home and

Kate Harlow: 00:20:53

you're anchored in your sovereignty. Relationship is a

Kate Harlow: 00:20:55

match to who you are. It's a match. So I attracted him

Kate Harlow: 00:20:58

because I am that right. I'm driven. I'm and not driven in a

Kate Harlow: 00:21:03

like, masculine, ambitious, like, I want to be successful

Kate Harlow: 00:21:05

way. I'm I'm deeply inspired by what I do. I love my work in the

Kate Harlow: 00:21:10

world. He's the same. I attracted that because I am,

Kate Harlow: 00:21:14

that he's also incredibly healthy. I attracted that

Kate Harlow: 00:21:18

because I'm am, that he takes care of his body. He doesn't

Kate Harlow: 00:21:20

drink very much alcohol. He exercises every day. He cares

Kate Harlow: 00:21:24

about what he eats. He's super devoted to his health. He's also

Kate Harlow: 00:21:28

emotionally intelligent. So all of these things that I attracted

Kate Harlow: 00:21:32

in that relationship were because I am that. So in your

Kate Harlow: 00:21:35

relationship, when you start to identify what patterns you're

Kate Harlow: 00:21:38

bringing to the table, and then you start to identify, what are

Kate Harlow: 00:21:41

your standards, what are your non negotiables and and how am I

Kate Harlow: 00:21:45

not embodying those?

Kate Harlow: 00:21:48

Because if you're not embodying those, you're not going to

Kate Harlow: 00:21:51

attract it. Because even if someone you know, your partner,

Kate Harlow: 00:21:55

is going through a hard time, if they are sovereign, they will do

Kate Harlow: 00:21:58

everything they can to heal, to grow, to get support, to evolve

Kate Harlow: 00:22:04

beyond this and use this as a catalyst. If you're in a

Kate Harlow: 00:22:06

relationship with someone who's just struggling all the time,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:09

and they're not they're not motivated, they're not driven,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:11

and they're just going down, they're pro they might not be a

Kate Harlow: 00:22:14

match for who you are in the world. So that's also something

Kate Harlow: 00:22:18

to look at, but we can't really know, and I think that you're in

Kate Harlow: 00:22:21

such a such a more powerful place, inside of the

Kate Harlow: 00:22:25

relationship, inside of your decisions about the

Kate Harlow: 00:22:28

relationship, when you know you're bringing all of you to

Kate Harlow: 00:22:31

the table, and not your patterns. So start to look at,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:34

where am I shape shifting? Where am I sacrificing? Where am I

Kate Harlow: 00:22:38

trying to rescue him? Okay, if I'm rescuing him. I'm like,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:42

trying to save the saboteur that's not, not actually

Kate Harlow: 00:22:47

savable, and the Wounded Little child. I'm trying to save his

Kate Harlow: 00:22:51

wounded little child, meanwhile abandoning my own in those

Kate Harlow: 00:22:54

moments, right? So I have to know that, that I can't actually

Kate Harlow: 00:22:58

save him, because then I'm operating for my Wounded Child,

Kate Harlow: 00:23:01

right? If I'm in my pattern and I'm trying to rescue someone

Kate Harlow: 00:23:05

from their pattern, I'm in Wounded Child. So I just think,

Kate Harlow: 00:23:08

imagine, actually there's at the immersion. Every time some women

Kate Harlow: 00:23:15

ask me, like Kate, you hear so many crazy, traumatic stories

Kate Harlow: 00:23:19

from your clients, and like, so much deep stuff comes up at the

Kate Harlow: 00:23:22

immersion, how do you not fall apart? Like, how do you not take

Kate Harlow: 00:23:26

that on? And I'm like, can you imagine you came to the

Kate Harlow: 00:23:30

immersion to awaken all of who you are and to heal that Wounded

Kate Harlow: 00:23:33

Little Girl and to learn how to love yourself in a new way. And

Kate Harlow: 00:23:37

every time you shared a story, I fell apart. Every time you

Kate Harlow: 00:23:41

shared something hard, you went through, I fell apart. Can you

Kate Harlow: 00:23:43

imagine? I mean, okay, maybe the little girl would be like, Well,

Kate Harlow: 00:23:47

that's nice. You care because you're crying and you're but

Kate Harlow: 00:23:50

like, I wouldn't actually be able to help anyone, right? If

Kate Harlow: 00:23:53

I'm not standing in my own sovereignty, I can't help

Kate Harlow: 00:23:56

anyone. I can't actually guide you back home to who you are. If

Kate Harlow: 00:24:01

I'm it's this is sympathy versus empathy. If I'm jumping in the

Kate Harlow: 00:24:04

pit with you, that's sympathy. Now we're both in the pit. What

Kate Harlow: 00:24:07

are we going to do from there? So if you're doing that with

Kate Harlow: 00:24:09

your partner, you can't actually help them from that place. But

Kate Harlow: 00:24:13

if you're sitting in the seat of sovereignty, and you're taking

Kate Harlow: 00:24:17

full responsibility for yourself, and you're loving up

Kate Harlow: 00:24:19

your Wounded Little girl, when she arises about your partner,

Kate Harlow: 00:24:23

and you you heal her, and you love her, and you talk to her,

Kate Harlow: 00:24:25

and you sit with her, and you be with her, and you let her feel.

Kate Harlow: 00:24:29

And then you come back to that, that solid place inside of

Kate Harlow: 00:24:32

yourself, and focus on you and your world, and you keep doing

Kate Harlow: 00:24:36

the things to feed your own soul so you stay expanded now you can

Kate Harlow: 00:24:41

help so much more so the immersion, for example, every

Kate Harlow: 00:24:45

single morning, I'm up at 5am and I'm meditating and I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:24:51

moving and I'm dancing and I'm writing. Sometimes I write

Kate Harlow: 00:24:55

poetry. Sometimes I write raps, and it's like just whatever

Kate Harlow: 00:24:58

comes out, and then sometimes I read. Them in the session.

Kate Harlow: 00:25:01

Sometimes a brand new segment comes through that wasn't even

Kate Harlow: 00:25:04

there before, because I'm so plugged in to the My Divinity

Kate Harlow: 00:25:07

and that channel, the new stuff comes through for every group,

Kate Harlow: 00:25:10

because I'm taking all that time for myself in the morning, and

Kate Harlow: 00:25:14

that's how I start the day, right? If something was intense

Kate Harlow: 00:25:18

the day before, I get to move through it when I do those

Kate Harlow: 00:25:21

practices in the morning, and I'll do it before bed too if

Kate Harlow: 00:25:23

needed, but that's how I have the capacity. And those of you

Kate Harlow: 00:25:26

who haven't been to the immersion Don't, don't know how

Kate Harlow: 00:25:29

intense it is, but it's, it's, it's an intense experience

Kate Harlow: 00:25:32

because we're breaking through lifetimes of conditioning and

Kate Harlow: 00:25:36

and limitation and chains that are invisible, prison cell

Kate Harlow: 00:25:40

prison walls and chains that bind you and keep you in your

Kate Harlow: 00:25:43

small self. So it is an intense experience in the most

Kate Harlow: 00:25:47

beautiful, playful, magical, emotional, wild way. It's so

Kate Harlow: 00:25:53

beautiful, but it's a lot. So thank goodness I know how to

Kate Harlow: 00:25:57

plug into my sovereignty, and I live from that place, and you

Kate Harlow: 00:26:01

can too. So I just gave you a little bit of a clue by painting

Kate Harlow: 00:26:04

the picture of my mornings. So if you are losing yourself in

Kate Harlow: 00:26:08

relationships, that means you don't really have yourself, you

Kate Harlow: 00:26:12

don't you don't really have your own back. You're not really

Kate Harlow: 00:26:14

solid in yourself yet, and that's okay. It's a journey,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:17

right? It took me a long time to get here. I'm I'm, I live from

Kate Harlow: 00:26:20

this place most of the time, and I have all the tools and

Kate Harlow: 00:26:23

awareness and practices when I am in contraction and when my

Kate Harlow: 00:26:26

small self arises I am I know how to tend to her, right? I

Kate Harlow: 00:26:30

know how to move through that so you get to too. And again, it's

Kate Harlow: 00:26:35

a practice. That's why I say it's not work, but it's a

Kate Harlow: 00:26:38

practice. If you pick up a musical instrument and you've

Kate Harlow: 00:26:42

never played it before. You're good. It's going to be really

Kate Harlow: 00:26:44

hard in the beginning, and it's gonna be hard to commit to

Kate Harlow: 00:26:46

practicing. It's gonna be hard to read the music at first.

Kate Harlow: 00:26:49

There's gonna be a part of you that doesn't believe in you,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:51

that doesn't believe it's possible. That's your saboteur,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:54

because your sabotage like, no, no, don't try something new.

Kate Harlow: 00:26:56

You're gonna be bad at this. What if you're bad? What if you

Kate Harlow: 00:26:58

fail? What if you embarrass yourself? What if? What if? What

Kate Harlow: 00:27:00

if? What if? That part's always going to be there. And your job

Kate Harlow: 00:27:03

is to keep coming back to the practice and say, You know what?

Kate Harlow: 00:27:06

Something about this feels really good my body, even though

Kate Harlow: 00:27:09

I suck at it, even though I'm terrible when I listen to a

Kate Harlow: 00:27:12

French horn, something happens in my body, and I need to

Kate Harlow: 00:27:16

explore that. I need to trust that. And the practice your

Kate Harlow: 00:27:19

french horn every single day for the next 20 years, and you will

Kate Harlow: 00:27:23

be a masterful French horn player. Perhaps you will be in a

Kate Harlow: 00:27:26

symphony somewhere in magical in the world, at the Sydney Opera

Kate Harlow: 00:27:29

House. Let's say so that is what's available to you when

Kate Harlow: 00:27:34

you're devoted. So the first thing is, identify your

Kate Harlow: 00:27:37

patterns, identify what role you're playing, mommy, daddy,

Kate Harlow: 00:27:39

rescuer. I mean, mommy's the rescuer, daddy, Daddy's the

Kate Harlow: 00:27:43

provider. Like, what role are you playing? Are you the

Kate Harlow: 00:27:46

teenager? Are you the baby, the little girl, and and then step

Kate Harlow: 00:27:50

two is, is, is really developing and growing your sovereignty,

Kate Harlow: 00:27:56

rooting into your sovereignty, and rooting into the the

Kate Harlow: 00:28:00

agreement with yourself that I choose to no longer have co

Kate Harlow: 00:28:03

dependent relationships. I choose because if I'm sovereign,

Kate Harlow: 00:28:06

I'm not going to make my partner responsible for my pain, and I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:28:11

not going to make myself responsible for his pain. I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:28:14

also not going to make him and I say him or her, whoever I'm also

Kate Harlow: 00:28:18

or they, whatever. I'm not going to make him responsible for my

Kate Harlow: 00:28:23

pleasure either, and I'm not going to make myself responsible

Kate Harlow: 00:28:26

for his pleasure, right? If you're just self, if you're just

Kate Harlow: 00:28:29

pleasuring him because you think you're supposed to, versus being

Kate Harlow: 00:28:32

in your own pleasure and then desiring it very different. So

Kate Harlow: 00:28:36

sovereignty means I am responsible for everything

Kate Harlow: 00:28:40

that's happening inside of me, and that's where I keep my

Kate Harlow: 00:28:43

attention, and that's where my relationship is. And when my

Kate Harlow: 00:28:46

saboteur shows up and the patterns want to take over, I

Kate Harlow: 00:28:50

use that as an indicator that I get to go deeper into myself,

Kate Harlow: 00:28:55

like cool. My saboteur is loud. It's a portal. Now I can do sit

Kate Harlow: 00:29:00

with her. Have plan a little date night. Let, like, light

Kate Harlow: 00:29:04

some candles, put up some music. Create an experience for

Kate Harlow: 00:29:07

yourself. Do some reflecting. What does my saboteur have to

Kate Harlow: 00:29:10

say? Oh, I feel responsible for him. Like, what if something bad

Kate Harlow: 00:29:12

happens? Only, like, he can't handle his feelings? Blah, blah,

Kate Harlow: 00:29:15

blah, story, story, story, story. Okay, then close your

Kate Harlow: 00:29:18

eyes. Put your hands on your heart. What am I feeling

Kate Harlow: 00:29:20

underneath? What's a little girl feeling or believing? I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:29:23

feeling responsible for them. I'm feeling

Kate Harlow: 00:29:26

and maybe if you feel responsible for your partner in

Kate Harlow: 00:29:29

relationship, you could also look at, did I have to be

Kate Harlow: 00:29:32

responsible for my parents or for my siblings when I actually

Kate Harlow: 00:29:35

wasn't? That wasn't my job as a child, right? Children are

Kate Harlow: 00:29:38

supposed to be children, but many, many, many, many, many,

Kate Harlow: 00:29:42

many, many children, because parents, God, it's not an easy

Kate Harlow: 00:29:45

feat being a parent. And you know, all the things our parents

Kate Harlow: 00:29:48

went through and they were going through and trying to, trying

Kate Harlow: 00:29:51

to, to do, trying to do, while trying to raise children and

Kate Harlow: 00:29:55

have jobs and have traumas and have so much stuff like. Just

Kate Harlow: 00:30:00

humans are have so much going on. So parenting is one of the

Kate Harlow: 00:30:04

biggest, hardest I'd say it's the biggest, hardest job in the

Kate Harlow: 00:30:06

world. And hats off to all those mamas out there. But so if you

Kate Harlow: 00:30:12

if your parents, you know, if you were the one who was made

Kate Harlow: 00:30:15

responsible as a child for your mom's feelings or for your dad

Kate Harlow: 00:30:19

or for your siblings, because your parents were too busy to

Kate Harlow: 00:30:22

take care of your siblings, so that was on you. This is

Kate Harlow: 00:30:25

probably why you lose yourself in relationship, and why you

Kate Harlow: 00:30:28

take on other people's stuff. So that's something to reflect on

Kate Harlow: 00:30:31

too, not to blame your parents, but to look as it like a

Kate Harlow: 00:30:34

detective. This is what I do when I'm working with women. We

Kate Harlow: 00:30:37

start to understand the pattern like, Hmm, where did this come

Kate Harlow: 00:30:40

from? And we're looking at it through the lens of a detective,

Kate Harlow: 00:30:42

not blaming anyone, not shaming anyone, not it really, because

Kate Harlow: 00:30:48

it allows you to actually make new choices, right? It was their

Kate Harlow: 00:30:51

responsibility when you were a kid, but your parents didn't

Kate Harlow: 00:30:54

know what they didn't know, and they were doing their best, but

Kate Harlow: 00:30:57

now you know what they didn't know, so now it's not their

Kate Harlow: 00:31:01

responsibility, even though a lot of adults would like to get

Kate Harlow: 00:31:04

it from their parents, still, but it's yours. It's actually

Kate Harlow: 00:31:06

your responsibility to take care of that little part of you,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:12

right? It's your responsibility to listen to your heart. It's

Kate Harlow: 00:31:15

your responsibility to clean up your side of the street. So make

Kate Harlow: 00:31:19

a choice to yourself that you are going to live from

Kate Harlow: 00:31:22

sovereignty. You're going to take responsibility for your

Kate Harlow: 00:31:25

feelings if you don't know how work with me, work with someone

Kate Harlow: 00:31:27

like me, start to get a support system around you so you can

Kate Harlow: 00:31:31

learn how to be in an empowered relationship inside of yourself.

Kate Harlow: 00:31:34

It is a practice, and like I said, it's a lifelong journey,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:37

but it does get easier as you go, because you know how to

Kate Harlow: 00:31:41

navigate the challenges that life brings. So when you come

Kate Harlow: 00:31:44

from that place and you're solid in yourself, and you clean up

Kate Harlow: 00:31:47

codependency, right? You clean up giving up that girls weekend

Kate Harlow: 00:31:50

because your partner is going through a hard time. You going

Kate Harlow: 00:31:54

on the girls weekend is you filling your own cup, which is

Kate Harlow: 00:31:56

actually the third thing I was going to suggest. The third step

Kate Harlow: 00:31:59

is fill your own cup. Keep pouring into your own cup. So

Kate Harlow: 00:32:03

you giving up going on that girls weekend or going on that

Kate Harlow: 00:32:05

retreat you've always wanted to go to because you're afraid of

Kate Harlow: 00:32:09

your your kids can't handle you being away from them, or your

Kate Harlow: 00:32:12

partner is is going to be upset if you leave for that long. If

Kate Harlow: 00:32:17

you have that's codependency, right? If there's something on

Kate Harlow: 00:32:20

your heart that you are like, I have to do this. This is a yes

Kate Harlow: 00:32:24

or it feels so alive, but you're you've been siphoning that.

Kate Harlow: 00:32:28

That's what you have to clean up, right? Clean up all the

Kate Harlow: 00:32:31

places in which you're sacrificing yourself for the

Kate Harlow: 00:32:34

other person, knowing it's not helping either of you. The only

Kate Harlow: 00:32:38

thing that actually is giving your relationship energy and the

Kate Harlow: 00:32:43

the the only thing that's going to actually help your

Kate Harlow: 00:32:47

relationship shift, if it's meant to, is you being sovereign

Kate Harlow: 00:32:52

and you filling your own cup, and you coming from that place

Kate Harlow: 00:32:55

of wholeness and fullness, so that when you come to your

Kate Harlow: 00:32:58

partner, you actually have capacity to Hear them, and you

Kate Harlow: 00:33:01

can love them and hold space for them without taking it on,

Kate Harlow: 00:33:05

because their feelings aren't yours. And the more you can do

Kate Harlow: 00:33:08

that, the more you also teach them that they can just have

Kate Harlow: 00:33:11

feelings without having to take themselves out, or they can have

Kate Harlow: 00:33:15

feelings without having to get stuck in the story. Like if

Kate Harlow: 00:33:17

you're if you're helping yourself not get stuck in the

Kate Harlow: 00:33:19

story, why don't you do that with your partner? Sit with

Kate Harlow: 00:33:22

them, listen to them, hear them, let them vent, and call it event

Kate Harlow: 00:33:26

session, and then say, you know I hear you. Thank you so much

Kate Harlow: 00:33:29

for sharing. I understand why that would feel frustrating. I

Kate Harlow: 00:33:32

understand how scary it feels right now to not have a job. And

Kate Harlow: 00:33:35

I also see the man that you are. I know the man that you are, and

Kate Harlow: 00:33:38

I see what's possible for you, and I know that something

Kate Harlow: 00:33:42

amazing is coming and that this is all divine, like, share your

Kate Harlow: 00:33:45

perspectives like that, where you're actually holding them,

Kate Harlow: 00:33:48

your partner to their highest you're seeing them in their

Kate Harlow: 00:33:51

sovereignty. You're seeing them in their heroin or hero, as

Kate Harlow: 00:33:55

opposed to seeing the Wounded Child and be like, Oh, you're

Kate Harlow: 00:33:58

wounded. I'm gonna get wounded and small too, because, like,

Kate Harlow: 00:34:01

that's not going to help anyone. If you jump in the pit, who's

Kate Harlow: 00:34:04

going to save you, that's not going to help anyone, right? So

Kate Harlow: 00:34:08

sovereignty, identifying your patterns, coming back to your

Kate Harlow: 00:34:12

sovereignty, and starting to untether from all of the CO

Kate Harlow: 00:34:14

dependency, all the places in which you give up you for other

Kate Harlow: 00:34:18

people. And if it's happening in your romantic relationship,

Kate Harlow: 00:34:21

definitely, it's happening many other places. So look everywhere

Kate Harlow: 00:34:25

for codependency, and then keep pouring into you. Keep exploring

Kate Harlow: 00:34:31

that which lights you up. Your body will tell you what

Kate Harlow: 00:34:35

resonates. And every time you feel a body, yes, just know your

Kate Harlow: 00:34:40

saboteur is going to be right behind you being like, no, no,

Kate Harlow: 00:34:42

don't do that thing because it feels like a yes and yeses are

Kate Harlow: 00:34:45

bad. Your saboteur believes yeses are bad because, you know,

Kate Harlow: 00:34:48

expansion was once upon a time, not the thing that we were shut

Kate Harlow: 00:34:52

down from. So let yourself, like, really listen to those

Kate Harlow: 00:34:56

yeses and do things that are nourishing and nurturing to your

Kate Harlow: 00:34:59

own heart. So that you you're a more solid everything in the

Kate Harlow: 00:35:03

world, but you will be a much better partner when you're

Kate Harlow: 00:35:06

coming from this place. And if you're not in a relationship,

Kate Harlow: 00:35:09

this is the time. I mean, you can do it when you're in a

Kate Harlow: 00:35:11

relationship too, but definitely when you're not in a

Kate Harlow: 00:35:13

relationship, use this time to build a solid relationship with

Kate Harlow: 00:35:17

you. There is nothing more important than that, and then

Kate Harlow: 00:35:20

you were set up to have solid relationships in every facet of

Kate Harlow: 00:35:25

your life, and also a much more magical life. Trust me, your

Kate Harlow: 00:35:29

life's gonna get a lot better when you have a solid

Kate Harlow: 00:35:31

relationship within and you're coming and making choices from

Kate Harlow: 00:35:34

that sovereignty and from that heart centered place, it's gonna

Kate Harlow: 00:35:37

get a lot better, and so will your relationship. So I'll

Kate Harlow: 00:35:42

circle back to the parent child thing, that that dynamic that

Kate Harlow: 00:35:45

plays out in relationship is not sexy nobody. That's why we then

Kate Harlow: 00:35:49

have fantasies about other people or like leaving our

Kate Harlow: 00:35:52

relationship or running. But if you clean up your side of the

Kate Harlow: 00:35:55

street there, it's way more likely, because that pattern

Kate Harlow: 00:35:58

can't exist if you're not participating in it. So if

Kate Harlow: 00:36:01

you're currently playing the role of your partner's mother,

Kate Harlow: 00:36:03

and you stop playing his mother, he has to become empowered to do

Kate Harlow: 00:36:07

things himself. Right? He cannot be in that teenage place for

Kate Harlow: 00:36:13

very long, because either nothing will get done, He'll

Kate Harlow: 00:36:16

starve, like if you're not making him food, or whatever the

Kate Harlow: 00:36:19

role is that you're playing, he'll have to figure it out

Kate Harlow: 00:36:22

himself, or you'll get clear that this relationship is not

Kate Harlow: 00:36:25

aligned, like, hey, if I'm not playing this pattern and he's

Kate Harlow: 00:36:27

still not showing up for himself, perhaps it's not a

Kate Harlow: 00:36:30

match for who I am and who I'm becoming. Because your

Kate Harlow: 00:36:33

relationship has to match who you are, right? If you are

Kate Harlow: 00:36:36

coming down to save someone that's not matching who you are,

Kate Harlow: 00:36:41

you are vibrating and and I mean, it's matching your

Kate Harlow: 00:36:44

pattern, but it's not matching who you really are. So the more

Kate Harlow: 00:36:48

you you build that loving relationship within, the more

Kate Harlow: 00:36:52

you vibrate at a higher frequency, and then you become

Kate Harlow: 00:36:56

aligned for relationships that are matched to that, and not

Kate Harlow: 00:37:00

just romantic relationships. All your relationships will be a

Kate Harlow: 00:37:02

match to who you've become when you become her, rather than

Kate Harlow: 00:37:05

thinking, Okay, no, I need a man that's more like this. I need a

Kate Harlow: 00:37:08

I need friends that are more like this. And you look out

Kate Harlow: 00:37:10

there and what needs to change out there, change it inside,

Kate Harlow: 00:37:13

become what you need, become her, and then everything that

Kate Harlow: 00:37:16

you desire to experience will, will, will manifest and will be

Kate Harlow: 00:37:20

attracted to you because it's coming from that sovereign place

Kate Harlow: 00:37:23

inside and you are it your life is a reflection of who you are

Kate Harlow: 00:37:28

and where you're coming from within yourself. So if you're

Kate Harlow: 00:37:30

struggling in your relationship, look in the mirror. It's all a

Kate Harlow: 00:37:33

reflection of where you're coming from in you. That's why

Kate Harlow: 00:37:35

it hurts. It doesn't hurt because of what's going on over

Kate Harlow: 00:37:39

there. It hurts because of who you become in when you're around

Kate Harlow: 00:37:42

someone who's going through a hard time, or when you're around

Kate Harlow: 00:37:45

someone that doesn't feel aligned. So come home like every

Kate Harlow: 00:37:49

episode That's it, keep pouring into you. My loves keep pouring

Kate Harlow: 00:37:53

into you. So hopefully that was helpful, and I would love to

Kate Harlow: 00:37:56

hear from you. Let me know, what else you want me to talk about?

Kate Harlow: 00:37:59

What? What? What kind of episodes you want to hear,

Kate Harlow: 00:38:02

conversations you want me to have, and as always, spread this

Kate Harlow: 00:38:06

episode to all the women you know need to hear it. And I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:38:09

sending you all the love in the world for your journey, and I'll

Kate Harlow: 00:38:12

see you next week.