Becoming the Heroine of Your Life

Catherine Danieli: 00:00:00

And that's the secret, you don't drag the boyfriend that doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore into being in relationship with you or or hustle, and because you'll never, you'll never be fulfilled. I mean, obviously, the truth is, you can force a lot of things to happen, unfortunately, but it's not going to feel good doing it and and this desire meets operating like you matter and you don't owe your life to anyone.

Kate Harlow: 00:00:32

Hi, you're listening to Kate and Catherine, and we're going to show you how to find your Prince Charming so that you can finally live happily ever after, forever and ever No, we are definitely not gonna do that.

Catherine Danieli: 00:00:50

We are sick of that story, and it's a lie. It is a lie. You're listening to the new truth, a modern Woman's Guide to extraordinary love.

Kate Harlow: 00:01:00

We are going to show you how the fairy tale love story stops you from experiencing the love you truly desire.

Catherine Danieli: 00:01:07

Listen to hear how to break free from sacrifice and struggle in relationship,

Kate Harlow: 00:01:12

and learn the new truth about love in a way that you've never heard it before. We're so

Catherine Danieli: 00:01:19

happy you're here. Keep listening.

Kate Harlow: 00:01:24

Hello, beautiful. Today's important topic about becoming the heroine of your life is obviously connected to my work in the world, the heroine helping women awaken the heroine within. But Catherine and I decided that this was going to be the topic today, as she we I mean, everyone's going through this right now, but we're obviously going through some big transitions in our own lives, personally and business wise, and so we're just going to let you in. We left you last week on a bit of a hit cliffhanger, but Catherine is becoming more and more of the heroine of her life by making really big, bold choices. And yeah, do you want to share more about that?

Catherine Danieli: 00:02:12

And that choice is to close the chapter of who I was before I gave birth to my daughter. So I'm closing my dating and relationship coaching business, and I'm closing my contribution and my part on the new truth podcast. And, you know, Kate and I think about this, about sovereignty and maturity a lot, and I was laughing. And we so hope you laughed with us in our celebration episode, because you can hear like changes in our voices, you know, like when I was thinking about who we were five years ago. I was so young and myself and you too, right? And we were so passionate and fiery, a little bit self righteous and and maturity like I think we're all on a path of maturity, hopefully, getting older does not automatically mean maturity, right? We all know that. But when you're in service to growth and healing and you're doing your work, of course, you're going to change right, having children or not like of course, as you become more and more clear on who you are, as you become more and more settled in to who you are, things reveal themselves. And I did have a mentor last year who I'll never forget this actually, for the rest of my life, she just said, you know, because I was going through it, I mean, I just was really going through it. And anyone who's made a decision to let go, you know, you've heard Kate's story about ending her relationship with Jeff, like very, very few people just like, wake up one day and are like, this relationship's over, you know, like, it's, it's little revelation, like, over time. So I know you all can appreciate that I didn't just, like, call Kate one day and was like, it's over, right? Like, we had been an active conversation and process, really, how this started, honestly, was starting to talk about the vision for the new truth, right, and where we wanted it to go, and then all of a sudden, my that was the revelation of No, like, I'm not a part of that, but I could see where you were going so freaking clearly. And and so this so my mentor Bree, she said Catherine, truths don't reveal themselves all at once, because very rarely can a person handle if like they all came through right at once, like they come through one by one. And the gift of season two is we totally expanded beyond dating and relationship, right? And we started talking about womanhood, and we had extraordinary. Conversations this past year extraordinary people that wouldn't have fit dating and relationship podcasts, right? And then we expand into these amazing women like Dr Sonia, right? And so when I think of becoming the heroine, it's like, are you devoted to listening? And you've heard us for five years talk about being the truth of who you are, and the remembrance that it's not like you just wake up one day and you are the truth. You are who you are, because we're always changing. It's, am I always saying what's true? And Bree and Bree, that's all of her prompts since hysterical. Now, of course, I chose her as my mentor when this is how she talks, right? Like every to every session is like, All right, what's true today, right? Is it true to do energy work or to talk today? Right? Is it true to go be with Madeline or not? Is it true to go to bed early or not? Like, is it true to be friends with that person or not? And it's just, you always have to be in that that conversation. And I, you know, I joked with you before we hit record that becoming the truth of who you are requires giving up everything they taught you to be around girlhood and womanhood. Like it's not just the like you have to let go of who you think you should be. It's like you have to let go of what they taught you about being a good girl. Because when I wrestled with leaving this, it was, Oh, my God. I went back and forth 1000 times, and it was an obli I mean, I felt obligation, not from this is something I created for five years, like, I don't want to let it go. Like, I have loved this. Like, this is really fun. People really like it. I wanted, okay, I want to do it, but, but my body's saying, No, I love Kate. I don't want to let go of Kate, you know, like, and so it's this, like, like everyone, and what, what most women do to themselves, and what we've been taught. And I said this in my motherhood episode, if you listened, is if you have doubt before you marry someone, the trope is, well, it must not be the one, right? We're not allowed to have many feelings. We're not allowed to grieve when we also know it's true. And this was a long time coming, and Kate and I actually voice noted about this for a long time. And let me tell you, when we recorded that celebration episode, I've been like grieving every day since, like, I've just been like in it every day since that episode, because now it's like, real and so just that, you know what's, oh, my God, what's that silly song from the 90s? Like, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. That song? Do you remember that song or that little band last time it was on Grey's Anatomy? It was like, the freaking song for Grey's Anatomy. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Anyways, that's how we're beginning becoming the heroine. And I feel God. I feel different every day. I feel different every day. But when I listen to my voice on the podcast five years ago, I'm just like, Wow. What a firecracker. Like, what a fire starter. And like now I feel like a drink of water, like the water has, like, soothed the fire, and I'm and I'm just entering water season, like a slow a slow river with my family and my baby and my body and and my community, because I'm also getting offline completely, so After a decade of being on Instagram, but but focused years with hiring someone to work with me on Instagram and push pumping out content like a machine, Instagram chapter is also closed.

Kate Harlow: 00:08:54

That's That's true for so many people right now. Everyone's closing Instagram Mark groves did so many people are not using Instagram anymore. It's a revolution. It's a revolution. And I love that you were totally fire when we started, and you're totally water now. And you know the we just go through seasons, and you know you

Catherine Danieli: 00:09:16

were air, and now you're Earth, oh yeah.

Kate Harlow: 00:09:19

And I'm triple triple Taurus, with a lot of Leo also. So I just got thinking

Catherine Danieli: 00:09:25

about the ships and elementally,

Kate Harlow: 00:09:30

yeah, so wild it is. I have so many things to say, like, how can I summarize them all?

Catherine Danieli: 00:09:38

Um, I interrupted you too. Sorry.

Kate Harlow: 00:09:41

No, I just, I can't remember what that point was, but there's so many points, so I'll just go to one of them. I'm feeling so much too, and I just think, like I this is a conversation I have with my clients over and over and over again when they have a decision that they're ready to make, and they. Feel so nervous about hurting other people, because women, of course, have been taught to consider everyone else's experiences, not our own, not even over our own. We have been taught to be loyal to other people at the expense of ourselves from a very young age, men have not been taught that in the same way. Not to say, none of them do that, but it's pretty rare. Women all do that, like every woman I've ever worked with does that and has a hard time really honoring especially with big decisions and worrying about her, you know, leaving a marriage or leaving a job or leaving a long term friendship or moving to another city, or there's so many big big life choices that we can be faced with. And the truth, the truth won't ever set you free. The truth won't let go, and it will set you free when you listen to it. But like, it won't stop knocking, and sometimes it'll get louder and louder and louder, but like, if something's out of alignment, you'll never stop feeling discord in your body. And I think that's why so many people experience anxiety, yeah, because they're just lying to themselves, constantly making decisions, going left instead of right, and their body's like no. And unfortunately, the body doesn't come with like captions. It doesn't tell you what, why it's a no. It's just a feeling and and when we don't listen to that feeling, we feel that discord like I, I like the metaphor of an out of tune guitar. And when we listen to the feeling we are, we come into harmony and resonance, and that's when we start to feel the the attunement to our body and the atonement and we we come into harmony inside of ourselves and in our lives when we're actually listening to our inner compass. But the thing about other people is we always sacrifice ourselves for other people's experience thinking that is like, it's almost like playing God, like thinking You are god or goddess or the universe, and you're like, I'm the universe, and I need to do this thing that's against my truth, because I don't want you to be hurt, I don't want you to be let down, I don't want you to be disappointed, I don't want you to be upset with me. And yet the reality is, when we follow our truth, we actually become in harmony with everything and everyone in our lives. Because whatever is in your highest, whatever is your deepest truth is always aligned with everyone else, and I certainly know this, but didn't feel it like when we first started having the conversation about you leaving, I was holding on. I was wanting to cling on and convince you to stay, and convince you why you needed to keep this part of you alive. And that was my initial response till my soul sister Mariana held the mirror up to my face, as she always does, and helped me look in it. And she actually said, we can share this part of the story. You hadn't even said. You hadn't even told me you want to leave the podcast. You just said, I'm done with my business. I'm ready to be a mom full time, and I'm not sure about the podcast, like you hadn't even fully said it yet. I think I could feel it, though, and I had sent you this long message saying, and it was a really lovely message. I felt like, I felt like it was from my heroine, but it was definitely there was a texture of control to it. So it wasn't actually my heroine. I just had convinced myself it was, which is also something to be aware of. The longer you're on the path, the sneakier your saboteur, your patterns will get. So my path, so I sent you this voice note, and I was like, you know, I think you should keep the podcast, because it's, it's gonna help you stay connected that part of yourself, and it's fun. We get see each other every week, and and I had all these reasons, and then I'd shared it with my friend Marianna, and Marianna was like, you know, okay, this is coming out of left field, but it's dropping in really strong. I think the podcast is yours, and it's meant to be just you now. And I was like, what? She's like, I don't know where it's coming from, but I was just in a meditation when you called, and I feel really plugged in right now, and I think it's meant to be yours. And then I shared the message I had sent you, and she's like, Yeah, that sounds like you're trying to, like, drag Catherine behind you. And so,

Catherine Danieli: 00:14:05

you know, it. Deleted that message. I never got to hear it. Yeah, you never

Kate Harlow: 00:14:09

got to hear it. I didn't drag her behind me. I deleted that message. I gave I gave it space for a day, and then you sent me a message. I This is the universe also guiding us. The universe is always guiding us. Because I left it a day. Just didn't respond. You sent me a message and said, Hey, I just talked to Janelle, who's a mutual friend of ours. We had her on the podcast in season one, and you said, she said, you know, maybe Kate's meant to take over the podcast now. And I and you were like, and that felt really good in my body. So I sent a message back, and was like, wait, what Mariana just said? The same thing, and it was so wild. We both had these angels come and plant the seed for us, and Marianna held me on the call. I mean, it was over the phone, but I cried, I resisted. I was like, Fuck, no, I don't want that. Like I went through the layers. But that thing is, is that even. When the feelings are there and the limited stories are there, I don't believe them, I face them, I move through them, and also simultaneously hold the trust in life and the longer you're on a path of self sovereignty, I'll call it the path of the heroine, when you are living from the truth of who you are, and you make choices you will and or life makes the choice for you, like something gets taken away from you, a relationship. You can't get on an airplane, you miss a conference, you miss your you lose your job, you lose your house, no matter what it is, if you can, this is a massive key in being your heroine, being able to be present with the feelings and what is there and and honor it. Honor the feelings. I honored the part of me that was afraid that was like, nobody's gonna listen anymore. People are gonna ditch me like everybody like, it's not the new truth anymore. I had all this material come up, and I felt it, and I wrote about it, and I cried, and I talked to Marianna about it, and I felt it fully, and the little girl at the bottom, and then I But simultaneously, I trust that like everything that's ever happened in my life has been divinely guided, and this is divine guidance coming in the form of Catherine and our friends telling us that It's time to transition. And since going through that journey with you, I just think of how much we try and control life constantly, and then we struggle and suffer, but when we can feel our feelings and honor what's there, but then also hold that higher perspective of knowing everything is divine. I mean the opportunities that are coming my way since we made this choice, the new energy I have, the power I feel, the excitement I feel for the new season, the clarity I have with the book, with everything is different, and it's like you had to it's, it almost feels like, with a river and metaphor, it feels like, um, what are those things called? Where the it blocks the river that it slows it down the dam. It feels like you were like, I'm going and just remove the dam, and all of a sudden, new water can come through. Because if we don't, if we're not willing to let go of who we were and how things were, we will not meet new parts of ourselves. We're missing out on that next level self because we're holding on to the old thing. Meanwhile, there's something new that you're meant to experience. So the gift of you having the courage to say, I'm done, and even though that fucking hurts and that's terrifying and it feels, you know, scary and sad and all the things also, it's, it's, it's propelling me into my next level, within myself and my work in the world. So thank you for having the courage and that could

Catherine Danieli: 00:17:45

see that like, like, the it was the vision conversation, where I could see where you were meant to go, and it's just I'm not, that's not where I want to go. And and when I, when I think about like, let's talk about the social conditioning of girlhood for a second. And I did make this comment in the motherhood episode, but I shared it with you too, and I feel like we can't say this enough. So there was a recent study of 1000 teenage girls were interviewed about their top questions around sexual health, and the number one question is, how do I say no without hurting someone's feelings? And I'm thinking about, you know, when you said about playing God right with other people, and how girls are actually socially conditioned to believe that someone else knows what's best for them. So then we think we know what's best for other people, and that's how it works, rather than when I when I just feel like sovereign woman, it's that, that true theme, like authority and most women give their power away, right to other people all the time, right? Someone else knows what's best for me. Well, well, I'm experiencing this symptom, but the doctor says it's normal, so I guess it's normal, rather than I'm having a really hard time or, you know, I had a coach I was working with once that several other people in a community that I was in also worked for, and they all loved her, but I was having this, like, really horrible experience in my body, and I second guessed myself for a while, just like, well, well, other people are having a really good experience, so she must be really good, you know, person. So I'm gonna, like, tough it out, even though I feel like sick every day, until eventually, right, I let go. But this, if you're, if we're socially conditioned to believe that we don't know what's best for us, so that we're not our own authority, right? Even with like, I don't want to sit on Santa's lap, right? I don't want to wear that, you know, outfit. I don't want to go to that place like I the place that I was being abused when I was a little girl. I would scream and. Cry and fight with my parents before getting in the car every single day, right? I was young. Was two to four years old, so I didn't have the language of like, I don't want you know something's hurting me there, but our bodies always know. And I think the reclamation of authority is how you know you are sovereign, right, that you're not waiting for someone else to tell you what to do or what's true for you. You're not gaslighting yourself and doubting any of your feelings, and you're not outsourcing your power. And how many episodes have we talked about that women are taught to look out first? Right? Everything is external for women, right? Do you think I got in my early coaching days around dating, I used to have people walk around their room right through on the phone, and I'd be like, Okay, walk around the room and just walk, pick up a book and be like, Do you think I'm worthy? And then pick up the doorknob? Do you think I'm worthy and pick up something else in your house and like, say, Do you think I'm worthy? Because I was like, that's what you're doing, right? Do you think I'm worthy? Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm enough? Do you think I'm smart? Do you think I'm I'm valuable, rather than the divine has already decided that all of that is true. Like you are more than enough, right? Hang out with a group of kids and see how brilliant and beautiful every unique. See how unbelievably unique they are. Not a single one is the same. And we forget, right, our essential truth. But for me, sovereignty really is about authority and and God, every aspect of a woman's life has an agenda, right, like, again, the amount of women. So I used to work as the last thing I'll say around this for a second, because I can feel you gearing, gearing up for all you want to say, can't wait. Am I moving? No, no, the energy, the energy, right? Because this is everything you're passionate about too, right? Like, this is what sovereignty is. But I worked, you know, so my past life, I have a master's in public health, or my focus was on reproductive and sexual health. And I worked at a nonprofit that focused on the sexual health of teens, and we would get questions right all the time. They would write in, write questions. And how many young girls right? Is it supposed to hurt? Right? Like, am I supposed to enjoy it? Like, like, nothing about our lives as women is ever for us like your life is for you, even as a mother, and I said this in my in my motherhood episode, that what my daughter needs is me, not me doing all the right things and saying all the right things and making her the center of my world. Because guess what? That's a lot of freaking pressure on my daughter that's not okay and not fair, right? It's am I modeling that I believe myself to be enough and worthy, and I don't have anything to perform for, nothing to prove no but nothing to perfect, and I can just be myself, and that's what gives permission for her to do the same. And for other women in my life, you do not have to justify or rationalize or explain any decision that you're making. And all of us have to unlearn that. The amount of times I thought I had to justify by or even explain any decision I made, to like, prove that I was allowed to make the decision right that I was making. We are, our bodies, our gifts, our feelings, our gifts. They know we are born with that innate K, N, O, W, knowing and and I really, I keep saying it is like, this is just the season I'm in right now. Like, knowing what is an N, O is the greatest truth of a woman's life, like, what am I? I mean, how many exercises I did like this in dating coaching, right? What am I tolerating? What am I not available for? Because only when you can say no are you available to what is a yes and and the authority piece really is everything, like, no one knows what's best for you, and you, My God, do not know what's best for other people. Like, check yourself, like you do not know what's best for other people. And that's the power trip so many women are doing in relationship, right? Like, Oh, I can't leave him, because without me, he'll, you know, not know what to do. And it's like, really, according to what and you,

Kate Harlow: 00:24:25

I always think, like, imagine he or your friend that you're still friends with, or whoever you're you've got this story about, like, oh, Kate, can't handle me. And leaving the podcast, it's like, can you imagine if they actually heard you say, Oh, I'm not leaving the podcast because you can't handle being by yourself, or I'm not leaving this relationship because you'll fall apart and you won't be able to function without me, like when you actually think of the audacity of our saboteurs and our patterns and how we perceive situations, because you're inside the little girl is so. Saying, feeling good enough, feeling worthy, feeling lovable, by being everything to everyone, by contorting herself, by squishing into small places, by saying yes when it what's a NO and NO when it's a yes and over functioning and taking on the responsibility of other people's feelings and experience like that little girl is sourcing something, but it's a bottomless pit, right? Like you talked about, like when we are living the scripted life and we're living the performative life, everything you do is for someone else's opinion, someone else's approval, someone else's validation, someone else's love, someone else's acceptance, someone else's belonging, and yet you'll never really feel any of those things. You don't ever feel accepted because you have to say yes when it's a no to you. So you'll never feel accepted because you're not being you. You're not being truthful until you're really honest with yourself in all of your choices in your life, you will never feel like you belong. You will never feel loved. You will never feel like you matter. You will never feel worthy. You only feel all of those things when you are in absolute reverence and devotion to your own inner truth. So as you're talking, I'm just kind of like visualizing so that the path it my my work is that I developed over eight years ago is the expanded love method, and it's all about expanding, expanding your ability to love, to receive love, to give love, to live a courageous life, to live a life that lights you up, to expand into corners of yourself that have been shut down and repressed. And there's two versions of yourself. Obviously, you've heard me talk about the saboteur a lot, that is your conditioned self. So everything you you're talking about is the the the woman you've been taught to be, and really it's a girl, but the disempowered girl that you've been taught to be, and we're all behaving as that, saying, Oh, it's just my personality. I'm really type A, I'm this, I'm I'm a, that I'm a, and it's not your personality, it's your Joe Dispenza would say, your personal reality that you created when you were young to survive childhood. And you needed that personal reality. You needed to develop this persona, this personality, the leading lady of your story, who's probably an extra, she's probably not even on the main camera ever, but you needed to develop her to survive your childhood, right? You needed to follow the script. Because children don't have choice. They don't have sovereignty. They they feel connected to it when they're little, but they don't have choice. The adults are in charge. But when you are an adult, when you become an adult now that that scripted self, that that scripted life is hurting you because, again, you're never gonna feel loved, worthy, belonging, any of those things. So I was thinking about like when you're really, truly living from your heroine. Actually, at my book launch party, I want Natasha Bedingfield. If anyone here knows Natasha Bedingfield personally, please reach out to me. I want her to sing. The rest is still unwritten, but I want her to sing unscripted, because it's really that the rest is still unwritten. So when you're living from your heroine, the saboteur has a planned life. The saboteurs life is already planned. She goes on a date. She's seeing her future with that guy, and what their house is going to look like, what kind of dog they're going to get. Everything's planned in the future. Everything's about the future. Nothing is about right now. It's regretting the past, or beating yourself up about the past, or hurting over the past, or holding on to the past and then projecting a timeline into the future of who, where you're going, when you're really living and it's all about forever. Everything's all about forever in the old paradigm, in the scripted saboteur world, it's like, okay, Catherine, you're, we're gonna do this podcast forever. You're gonna do this next thing forever. You're gonna do that. Everything's about forever. When you are living from your heroin, truly be aka the leading lady of your story. You also need to take over as the writer, the creative director, the director, the producer. You take on all those roles, but But you you operate in them from the present moment, because the rest is still unwritten. You have no idea where life is going to take you, who you're going to meet, why you are somewhere you are actually was on a mastermind call, not a mastermind like a business, Marla's program, and we were just talking about our intention for the next year, and I said getting a book publishing deal. And this guy wrote me right away. And was like, I know an amazing book publisher, dude. I'm going to connect you right away. And he the guy, I already have a meeting set up with him, and it like happened so instantaneously. And I wasn't going to that Zoom call for that reason, I had no idea it's like when you are living from your heroine, there is a blank script in front of you, and you and the universe are co creating a beautiful story together every single day and every single day, if something crazy happens and you get redirected into. From it to a different thing, like you get kicked out of your relationship, or you get or you get fired from a job, or something crazy happens, and you get redirected. Life is redirecting you, because there's something for you over there in this next place, it's unfolding as you go that's being in your heroin, being present with what is no matter what is happening. And that also means being present with what you're experiencing inside of what's happening. So if you're going through a massive loss in your life right now, feeling it, feeling the grief as it arises, feeling the pain, feeling the rage, feeling the frustration, and then coming back like when we feel our feelings, they they change. They're always, ever changing. And to be able to stay present to your life, present to who you are, like you said, every single day, we get to be new, and we will be new, and we do keep evolving, unless we keep painting that old story of who we've been onto ourselves and we keep ourselves in purgatory or prison, in all of these places that we no longer want to hang out.

Catherine Danieli: 00:31:07

I'm thinking about the power of movement, like the very real tangible. So many women are struggling because we have become sedentary, right? We're especially after COVID, right? People working from home, I would have clients in 2020 and it's like they they weren't leaving the house, you know, they weren't going outside. They weren't feeling the sun on their face. They weren't barefoot on the grass, like barefoot in the sand, you know. And if you don't move your body, like I'm thinking about how, you know, at least, when I think of where I used to be. I mean, I was always deeply feeling. I was always feeling so much all the time. But they would get stuck because I would feel it, but then I wouldn't move my body to then let it move, you know, through me and how they're like being sovereign and choosing, like, Okay, what do I do with all my feelings? It's like you move them through your body like you stand up and say, What does my grief move like? What does sadness move like? What does power move like? What does Joy move like? Right? Children are always moving their bodies. They're literally always moving their bodies. And of course, we can have a whole conversation about screen time and school and what's happening 20 minutes for recess for a five year old is insane. But as a woman, you are designed to move. We are nature. You can circle your hips when you're brushing your teeth, right? Go for a walk without your phone and your headphones. Don't take in information, right? Like go for a walk and listen to what emerges from inside you, and how all women need space. You know, I'm thinking about the human design reading and and some types need more space, but I just think women need space like women need an emptiness of not listening to other people's voices and other people's ideas and other people's thoughts, because we're inundated with that all day long anyway, that we can't hear ourselves without that and the difference between want and desire. And when I think of that epic, you didn't tell me that, so that's amazing. I'm not the book publisher,

Kate Harlow: 00:33:15

actually two two people on that call. Of

Catherine Danieli: 00:33:19

course you did crazy, of course, you did, right? Because Environment Matters. But I was thinking, you know, there's a for, like most women, when they think about something they want, right? I want a boyfriend. I want a baby. I want, you know, whatever they they do it with such force, right? This the sex about conceiving stops being fun. They fucking obsess about testing, and they're reading all the things, but they're never actually surrendered around the journey at all. So many women are struggling because of that, actually. And then a boyfriend, ready? You, dating apps suck, right? I'm spending hours on the dating apps like swiping, and I'm not enjoying anything and and that is different than I desire, and I accept responsibility for what it's going to ask of me. So I desire partnership. It changes you on a cellular level about who you have to become in order to receive the thing right that you want. Right? I desire a child. I have to actually become mature enough to recognize the spiritual evolution that taking care of another human being for 18 years is what that's going to ask of me, like, I want a business. You know, it was I saw I'm gonna butcher it so bad. But I saw a post about people just being like, I wanna make a million dollars right, like, I want, I want to be a coach. Like we've lost desire that's matched with intention and effort and and becoming right like you didn't just say, like, I want to write a book and then meditate and hope that it would come through through you. Like. Like you have been so it's been so spectacular to make me cry, like watching you get devoted to setting aside going to Africa. I'm going to set aside the time. I'm going to do this. I'm going to wrestle with all the resistance around sitting down and writing it, and then I'm just going to open and write. But you, you had to speak your desire in that group and like, that's what I want to focus on for a moment around sovereignty, that a woman takes responsibility for her desire. She's not just sitting in entitled want, right? She takes responsibility. And I have commented about this before, because this book changed my life. It was written by her. Name is Polly Eisen draft. She's a young an analyst, and it's called Women and desire. And the whole focus of the book is about how women are conditioned to be objects of desire, right? Like to see themselves through the eyes of other people, but that a woman must become the subject of her desires, and she actually very powerfully, goes on to say, women will not be fulfilled without a spiritual life, without nurturing their inner world and their inner life. And and when you're a mother or a business owner, how? I mean, how many women can find time to do everything except nurture their their inner world? And then the other component I was going to say about being the heroine, and you touched on it about reverence, but about really honoring ourselves, like walking through the world, like I matter and belong, even if no one else thinks so, like that's the sick the secret, and I'll never forget Amanda season one. We've had some pretty freaking incredible people on the podcast over five years, Amanda Renee, who I personally worked with for two years. She's the longest coach I've ever had. I've never worked with someone that long. She is unbelievably remarkable. And her I think the opening of her episode was like about her own meditation of sitting in a room and doing the like, if I never help anyone, if I never do anything worthwhile with my life, like if I if I never do anything to sit in this room, God loves me. I don't have to earn it. I don't have to perform for it. I don't have to make anything happen. Like I am worthy and I value and I am loved because I exist and like that, to me, is what the heroine is like. I claim my birthright, like my right to my life, whether you approve of it, whether you like it, whether you think it's great, whether you agree. And I think that's the thing that unlocks it all. Because I will say that's been the biggest thing around my decision to close everything it's actually just Ben, because this is my desire, and not because this is what I think all women should do and this is or because I don't think it's possible to run a business and be a mom, because millions do right. It's like it's, I don't have to get self righteous and listen, right? For how often this is the sneaky way that women justify, rationalize, explain, they have to make it about something else, right? And I think women feel guilt over all the choices they make because it's like has to be in service to something greater, right? Like, breastfeeding, right? Like, Oh, you don't want to breastfeed. Oh, you must not be a good mom, right? Or you're not willing to sacrifice yourself for your kid. And it's like, well, actually, maybe she it's it. What her truth is is she knows that it's not going to be good for her and her system and her body. She's allowed. You're allowed. And guess what? People, here's the bad news, right? We are. People are going to have opinions. Everyone's going to have an opinion about everything about your life, because that's how we're raised, too, right? Because no one knows what's best for women. Everyone knows or no everyone else knows what's best for women. Women don't know what's best for themselves. And I've you've shared so many countless stories about when your clients, if you haven't listened to the most recent episode, what was your client's name, Megan, if you haven't listened to the episode, you need to go run and listen to that episode of Kate's recent client, because so much of that was about how much backlash she experienced as she made choices in service to her truth. But my like this is just my desire, my deepest desire is to be with my baby. That's it. I don't need to give you a reason for it, and I didn't give my husband a reason for it. Like a woman is meant to just stand in the truth of her desire and then let life meet her there. And that's the secret. You don't drag the boyfriend that doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore, into being in relationship with you or or hustle, and because you'll never, you'll never be fulfilled. I mean, obviously, the truth is, you can force a lot of things to happen, unfortunately, but it's not going to feel good doing it and and this desire. Meets operating like you matter and you don't owe your life to anyone. You know, I like heroin when I even say that word, and I'm sure this is why you have this word, like there's a whole frequency in saying the word in my body, right? Like, what is a heroine. When you're listening to the story like she rises above, like the hero, the heroine of the story. We all love those stories, right? Where somebody comes out on top, right? They defeat the dragons, right? Whatever, and, and that's what it feels like. You defeat your own limiting beliefs and your own false identity and and and past stories about who you think you should be, because this is it, babes. You get one life. You get one and those future self visualizations really work. And honestly, that's what did it for me, like when I was wrestling for so long, like I closed my eyes and just imagined 45 year old Catherine, like I didn't even do it that many years, like I just did 45 year old Catherine. And it was like, oh, 45 year old Catherine spent all of her time with her babies. Like, that's what I saw. Like, I spent these years on focusing on my family, and then 45 I still got a lot of freaking life left to do anything I want when they're not in these early years. Life is long. My friends, life, life is long. If you're lucky,

Kate Harlow: 00:41:27

if you're lucky, life is long. And I'm like, 45 in a year. That's crazy, a year and a few months. But I love that you just said that, oh, I should have taken notes. I have so many things to say to everything you just said. It was all said. It was also beautiful. I love that you just said that I just did this practice with a client that I was wrapping up with, and we were imagining her future heroine like so her heroin now and then, who she's becoming in five years or so, and just the the importance of how your future self needs you to make really aligned choices now, right? Your choices now affect the woman you're becoming. So if you can't do it for you do it for her. Imagine who she is, where she is, what like if we had a magic wand and you were, you were, had a brand new life and a brand new way of being and way of walking through the world and and who does that woman? What choices does she need you to make in order for you to become her? And, yeah, so beautiful. And one of the things that I was thinking of when you were speaking earlier is I heard this epic metaphor on abraham hicks YouTube video this week that I love so much. She talks about how As humans, we want everything right now, which is why we're trying to control trying to control having a baby, trying to control getting a boyfriend, trying to control getting a raise, trying to control other people's perceptions of us, trying to control whatever for all from a wounded child that's trying to get her needs met backwards. And Abraham was like, Okay, So picture this. We're at a buffet, and the buffet is filled with all the food you're ever going to eat for the rest of your life. You have three hours go. You have to eat all the food you're going to eat for the rest of your life in three hours go. What would happen? You would combust, you would die, you would get so sick, you can't possibly physically do that. So she's like, do you think you can handle having everything you think you want? And often, what we think we want is coming from our conditioning. It's coming from the tape, the program of who you've been taught, what you've been taught to want as a woman, who you've been taught to be, and what you've been taught to want. So it's like we're trying so hard, spending all of our energy, anxious, restless, freaking out about trying to control something that you don't even know if that's what you truly want. Because the difference between a want and a desire is a desire. Is a feeling. Your whole body lights up. Your body relaxes. We desires are softer, like we can have a deep desire, and it doesn't need to come urgently, because it's like, there's a there's a there's a there's a beautiful calmness to a desire. It's It's sensual, it's soft, versus I need to get that thing, and I need to control that thing. You can't possibly eat everything now. You don't have the capacity for it yet. So I actually will share an experience I that I just thought of right in this moment when we were on with Aaron Claire Jones, my saboteur Regina, was like, Okay, we recorded an episode with Aaron Claire Jones, the amazing human design teacher. She just wrote a book. It's coming out in May, because it's coming out in alignment with her book launch. And she wrote a book. She has a big publishing deal. She's done. She's now doing her speaking tour. We were her very first interview that she recorded for her book, and. And I was sitting there like basking in this woman's energy. She is a projector in full alignment. She has the most buttery, beautiful, loving, easy, going, lovely energy. And I was inspired by her. And then at one point, Regina, my saboteur, was like, Oh, well, too bad you're not there yet. Like she has the publishing deal. She has the book. All the work's done, all the second draft, the third draft, all the hard work that you're not going to be able to do. Like, I mean, she wasn't super loud, but just a few little comments of like, Oh, I wish I was there already. Look where she is already. And then I heard that Abraham thing the next day, and I was like, Thank you, angels, because that metaphor I don't have the capacity to be where she is now. I'm not that woman. Yet. I'm becoming her by going through the process of writing the book and going to Africa and living in a tent again and letting the creative juices flow and meeting the perfectly aligned agent for me and the aligned editor and the aligned publishing house, not just anyone and anything and making, then forcing and controlling and trying. And I have spoken to so many people who've written a book that said they hated the process and it was horrible, and it is my intention to grow. I'm not going to love every moment. I'm sure it's a human experience. I'll feel feelings as I go, but my intention is to enjoy the process and to actually have myself like grow from the process. I am not the woman who's ready for that yet, and so this, like with the heroine, the whole unscripted thing, and that the rest is still unwritten, that you've got the page in front of you and it's not written because you're not ready for it yet. And we want everything. I mean, this comes also from the Western world. I mean, God, Amazon culture will call it like fuck now, now, now, now, now, I can't even believe it, you order Amazon and Greece, you get it, like, three weeks later. So it's very rare that I order Amazon, but the North American during COVID, I started ordering very often, and it becomes just this, like, instantaneous. Like, what do I need? Oh, I need this. Oh, I can have it immediately,

Catherine Danieli: 00:47:08

fast fashion, destroying the planet, exactly the planet. Oh,

Kate Harlow: 00:47:11

I just need to say, oh, I need that thing. I need another thing. I don't even know if I like it, but it doesn't matter. It's only $10 like, it's just everything is fast and and shallow, right? It's like you're, you're you're skimming the surface, and you feel you're wondering why you feel dead inside. Is because you're not going into the depth of the water. You're not going into the beauty and depth and breadth of who you are through having the experiences, through becoming the woman. Women so like you and I have been coaching for I've been coaching for almost 20 years in different capacities and teaching. And, you know, we've both been doing it for a very long time, and there's so many people on Instagram who've been doing it for five minutes, and they're like, I charge ten million whatever, because I have value. And it's like, your insides don't actually believe that yet. So like, you're out there, not, you know, whatever each to their own, but, but it's like, let yourself slowly be written day to day. Because when you are, when you are co creating your life by doing two things, following your own inner guidance, like we've been talking about those, those own deep desires, the feeling good, devotion to feeling good is what it is. My whole life, I feel so good in my life most of the time. My set point is deep satiation. That is most of the time in my life. Why? Because every fucking choice I make is for myself is every choice I've been thinking about this a lot lately, like every choice today, I was walking to go shop. Speaking of shopping, I had to get a few things before, before going to Africa, and I was walking to the shopping street, and I was gonna walk along the sidewalk, and I was like, Oh, I'm gonna walk through this little garden instead of the sidewalk. And then I was like, oh, there it did it again. The thing that felt good, like every choice I make, is what feels good inside of my own body, the restaurants I go to, the people I hang out with, the places I go, the places I travel, the seats I sit on, on the airplane, like everything. And that doesn't mean for I'm not playing first class, to be clear, that's like, you know, paying for the front row of the like, it's not, it doesn't have to be excessive, but it's devotion to feeling good. And when you are, when you're living in devotion to feeling good in the present moment, and which also means, if you're grieving, to actually feel put some music on, light some candles, set the container so you can hold yourself through what you're going through. Then you get to have the co creation with the universe. That's when life shows you where to go. That's when life redirects you. It's like Catherine, you go here now, Kate, you have to go over here. Okay, great redirection. This is where I'm going now. Now go get on this call. Okay, you meet this person, they're going to send you over that like life is orchestrating this beautiful orchestration of where we're meant to go, to evolve as women, as humans, as heroines, to live a life that actually matters. Matters to you, right? Not that matters to other people. Doesn't fucking matter. They got their own life. You're worried about your boyfriend, he's got his own life. You're worried about your mom, she's got her own we all were gifted with one who's driving your car, who's living your life. So we get to experience that beautiful co creation when we honor ourselves.

Catherine Danieli: 00:50:23

I am obsessed with this episode and, and just can't, I really can't stop having this beautiful experience of when I just say the word heroin in my body, you know, and, and how i You are absolutely the embodiment of everything you just said. And and I want to also reflect like I've watched you effort it like, like, it takes work to choose this and, and I think we chose this topic because we both wanted to talk about maturity, you know, and sovereignty and, and the immature feminine is I should have what I want just because I want it, right? I want a business. I want a baby. I want a boyfriend. I want a coach. Like, what? Like, that's, it doesn't get any more childish than that. Like, that's how my two year old behaves. Well, this is what I want, so I should have it now. Like, no baby, you can't have every unicorn on the aisle in the store. Like, when we go, like, No, you know, and, and she's gonna and she throws a fit, but, but, like, like, somehow, thanks to social media, I think we've gotten into this very devastating place of, just because I want it means I should have it, which then leads to, if I don't have it, that means I must be doing something wrong, right? Like, the amount of trainings I've gone to this has been very scary to me. The amount of trainings I've gone to where women would say, like, Oh, I'm I must not be manifesting correctly, because a bad thing happens. Like, you did not manifest a miscarriage, you did not manifest cancer, you did not manifest losing, losing someone to a car accident like you did not man, like life like here's the truth of life, my friends, life is gonna serve. I really love this about Abraham Hicks thing metaphor. But also I want to just say life is gonna serve all of it. Life is gonna serve horrible, devastating, tragic things, and it's going to serve exhilarating, beautiful, magical things. And heroin is the one who has her heart open to it all. Yes, heroin is the one who who's not in this immature, entitled demand that life give her what she wants just because she wants it, right? Ask anyone who's been struggling with infertility for a long time, right? And they had deep desire for it, and life has other plans. And her life isn't over because life has other plans, right? Like, I'm listening to my my beautiful best friend right now, who is just, I'm watching her have this, like, tremendous awakening around enjoying being single, gender 40s, enjoying being single for the first time in her life, and really saying she's, I mean, like, this is just midlife right now. I have all these conversations people about midlife, you know, like, where she's, like, I see now that I spent 20 years chasing the biological clock, right when, really, I've always been ambivalent about kids, and I'm not sure it's even something I wanted, right? And now I'm not even sure if I want a boyfriend, because this feels so fucking good to just love my life and have ease and and, and again, this is the journey right of maiden to muse. Right? The Catherine Daniele, new, new phrase, it's not. It's made in Muse Maven, rather than maiden mother Crone, because not everybody wants to be a mother, but the Muse is the Creatrix, right? She's the creator of her life and her experiences and and you know, you're in the creation of your own life when you no longer are reactive, and instead are responsive. And I think that's the core tenant of maturity, right, that something happens, and I'm immediately in like, urgency, panic, have to do something about it. And it's like, oh, let me like you. You started at the beginning of this episode, right? I send the message. You did have a reaction, right? Like, internally, but then you waited to respond, like, and then we had then we went back and forth, like, in conversation, you know, beautifully together. And I think that's, that's like, the last thing I want to say about how, you know you're a sovereign. You know, this is why we meditate, this is why I move our bodies. This is why we grow with spiritual life. This is why you nurture your inner world, so that you can stop being reactive. Just because everybody wants women, yeah, everybody wants something like, Well, maybe you don't want it right, like, and, and then you can feel who's a friend, right? If you listen to our celebration episode, don't have any friends like, the way I do with Kate Harlow, you know. And my friend circle is getting very small now in motherhood, and it's like, oh, because I don't need a lot, whoever who said I need a lot. I just need. Need a core group of people that really see me, affirm me, celebrate me, and then I feel totally myself with but that's that's it for me around heroin and just what maturity feels like, where you just get off the train that everybody else is on right, and you and you walk right, and you and you walk your path and your story, and you know that it's enough and beautiful, and you are not racing anywhere. There's nowhere to run. I never could have imagined this right now, at 37 years old, especially when I started my business. I mean, I started from my business, from the place of I am going to do this forever. Like, I totally was in that like, oh yeah, I'll be 60, like, still coaching, you know, and now I'm in this place of like, Wow. I wonder what will happen. Like, I wonder what will happen in this space with my family, right? And who I'm going to become and what will happen 10 years from now. And I hope everyone gets to live like that, from the magic of, I wonder what's going to happen. Rather than I wonder what's going to happen, I have to make sure that doesn't happen. And they, like, freak out about it. Like, wow. I wonder what's going to happen. I wonder what, what this year is going to bring. That's the magic.

Kate Harlow: 00:56:11

And then life is like Christmas like being like, three years old or five years old on Christmas morning, excited to open a present every day and like and and being able, like we talked about, when you're with yourself, you can you can handle whatever life brings, whatever storms come your way. You can handle them because you're with yourself like when that happened, I didn't react to you. An immature child would react to you. I felt my feelings. I had my sister hold space for me, to share my resistances, to share the stuff that was arising. And then I moved through that. Because when we just are in relationship with our feelings and what's going on, it alchemizes, it changes, and then we come back to that place of solidity inside, and that's that's the place we want to come to. So I was thinking,

Catherine Danieli: 00:57:01

but good, important clarity, because I have reactions, meaning feelings, like meaning flood feelings. Yeah,

Kate Harlow: 00:57:07

you're gonna have, but that's responding to your feelings versus, like, reacting to the world around you, like the little kid is always reacting to the world around us and and freaking out, versus actually being able to be present with what's happening inside. That's the most important thing. And I was thinking of the metaphor that I'll that I'll leave this. This is a fun episode, really amazing episode. The metaphor that I want to leave last that came up just the other day. I'm surprised. It took me this long to come up with this one. I it came up in a session with a client. It's like when you're living from your patterns, you are a heroin addict, heroin with the knee. No. E he heroin the drug, right? You're a heroin addict. You're one another hit, another hit, another hit, another hit. More validation, more love from the outside, more approval from the outside. Everyone has to agree with you. Everyone has to like you. Everyone has to whatever the be intimidated by you, whatever, patterns you've got going on, you're seeking hits of validation outside of yourself because you are not plugged into you. You're just not plugged in. That's it. You're not connected to the source and the truth of who you are when you're operating from heroin addiction, and all the ways we numb our heroin addiction too, like that. That's all external validation, the external world, but when you are plugged into your source, yourself, the truth of who you are, you, that's when you live from the heroin within, become the leading lady and take full responsibility and sovereignty for your life, and then you no longer need drugs. I mean, truly, like, actually, I think of all the women I've worked with who like, even speaking of drugs and alcohol, with people who take drugs and alcohol to numb even if it's one glass of wine, like one glass of wine every day. I used to do when I was in my early 30s and late 20s, I would have a glass. It was so romanticized. I'd have a glass of wine every day after work, and I'd fantasize about it, and I realized, in retrospect, I had chronic anxiety, and every day I'd get home from work and I'd be all amped up, and I would have that glass of wine, and it would soothe my anxiety. So very smart, I didn't even though I was, at the time, a business coach, and I was, I, you know, was already on the path. I didn't realize, because everyone else was doing it, that that actually was, was just an anxiety numbing tool, but it didn't help me. What helped me shift the anxiety is living a life that's aligned with who I really am, what I really want. Then the anxiety went away, and then I no longer need to self medicate every day, right? I did. And so now if I have a glass of wine, it's once in a while at dinner to go with my beautiful meal, like it's because I'm choosing to, not because I need it to numb this thing, but at the time, because everyone else around me was doing it, I didn't know so that, like that, that's it. When you're operating from the heroin, or when you're addicted to heroin, you're trying to find everything to numb how you feel inside. And then we've just. Got a bunch of numb people walking around wondering, what's the point of life, and why are we here, and why, what is going on, and why is life and crazy shit happening in the world? And we just question it all that when, actually, you can create a beautiful life in a beautiful world, even when there's crazy things happening in the world, which will always be, yeah, you can create whatever life you desire, but not instantly over time when you honor yourself and learn to live from this new place within yourself. So the rest is still unwritten. Go play that song. Dance around your living room staring at the blade blank page before you. The rest is unwritten, and if you listen to the truth of your heart, it will be so fucking good. I promise you that

Catherine Danieli: 01:00:41

we love you, and I feel like this has just been building up. So we will say the last episode with us together will be the next episode.

Kate Harlow: 01:00:52

No, next episode is Valentine's Day.

Catherine Danieli: 01:00:56

Okay, the next episode is Valentine's Day with Marianna. Really incredible episode. He needs to listen to that. But the next episode, called The Power of letting go, will be the final episode with Kate and I, because now, now we're saying it is out, and this, this one, just felt really, really important. I just actually, I mean, talk about our voices being different, the frequency of what we just did today is like a freaking light year difference than five years ago, and I love it all, and I love who we were five years ago, you know, and but like, I'm so, I guess I'm just so present right now to who we've become, yeah, and God bless all of you that have been with us for five years. But it felt important to say, you know, the power of letting go will be the last episode together, and then Kate will reveal the direct the new direction of the new truth in an episode. And if you didn't listen to my motherhood episode, I will put a link below where, essentially the only way to connect with me and my work will be on a platform, a newsletter called The mother sphere, where I will just share my journey in motherhood, my beliefs about feminine maturity and consciousness and parenting and healing, I've been doing re parenting work for 13 years prior to this. So it is important to me, if you want to stay connected to me in my work, that you know how you can do that. Because right now that'll be the only way with no guarantees of how often I write or what it looks like, but just know I do have, still have a lot to share, but that's what I want to talk about now. You know, that's what I want to talk about now, so it'll be my new newsletter, which is called the mother sphere. So thank you, Kate.

Kate Harlow: 01:02:39

I'm so proud of you. And I also think in the modern world, because everyone's a fucking Instagram influencer Now, everyone's like, Fauci. It's become like celebrity culture has become the mainstream, whereas people are behaved like celebrities, even on Instagram, even if they have five followers, it's like, oh, look at me, and look what I have to tell you, what I have to share. And I was saying

Catherine Danieli: 01:03:00

they want to be that now, when they grow up, yeah, that's what I wanted to say. Like, kids are saying, I want to be an influencer. Yeah,

Kate Harlow: 01:03:06

yeah. It's, it's tragic, and the it's only tragic because if, where it's coming from, right? It's one thing. If, like, you have a message and it's pouring through you and you can't stop it, and that's your soul, but when it's coming from, I want to be this thing. Why? What does that even me like, that's, you know, like someone saying I want to be famous, versus like, I love performing, you know, love music. I love writing music, whatever the whatever the thing is. But I was just thinking with you, I'm really celebrating you and proud of you, because in a day and age where everyone wants to be famous, it's really cool to watch you be like, You know what? I'm actually quite famous on Instagram. Like, you're you're known. You have a big, much bigger reach than I do on Instagram. And hey, if you're not following me, follow me. But you you are doing the opposite. You're like, I'm coming more into myself. I'm coming more into my quietness. I'm coming more into my family. And it's a season. It could change. You know, you might write a mother sphere book that's going to be a New York Times bestseller, and like, God knows where you're going. It doesn't matter, because we don't need to know that's unwritten. But right now, it takes so much courage to walk away from everything you've built, everything you've created, everything you've stood for, and just honor your truth. That is a true heroine. Heroin doesn't mean you're on a stage performing, you know, Broadway show tunes, unless you're me, but not all like every heroine is different, right? And this is like, it just means following your own compass, and you're doing that, and takes so much courage, and I'm so proud of you, and I I have a feeling you'll come back for a pop up episode every once in a while, which would be amazing, but we'll see, because the rest is still unwritten.

Catherine Danieli: 01:04:48

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Now, one more episode together. Enjoy the Valentine's Day episode, and we'll talk to you soon.

Unknown: 01:04:55

See you zoom.

Kate Harlow: 01:05:01

Hi, It's Kate. Thanks so much for listening to the new truth podcast. For more of Katherine and I, come hang out with us in the new truth movement Facebook group we are in there. That's where we're sharing all about our programs and our free workshops that we do. You can come join us there and ask as many questions as you want about the podcast episodes about dating relationships, any struggles you're having out there, we would love to support you, so come hang out with us in the new troop movement Facebook group, and we will see you soon. You.